Ruminator

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography I am a slave to my fears but now I am working toward my freedom. I recently had a conversation with a friend who both complimented me on my blog and praised my ability to be open and honest about who I am.  At the same time, this person commented that they are too private and could never do that.  My question is why? I admit a good portion of my early adult life I was very trusting and open and honest with people about how I felt about things.  I was not a completely open book, but it was easy to read and pretty transparent.  Throughout this time I slowly was hurt time after time, which eventually lead me to become a person at almost the opposite end of the spectrum.  I became very callous, extremely distrusting, and very skeptical about people. As with any self-reflection, I have begun to ask why I have turned out the way I have and come to realize it was because of the image I wanted to portray to others.  I have decided to change, at least in part.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography Today I am going on a bit of a rant.  I apologize in advance. I went after work today to pick up a 35lb bag of dog food and a 5lb bag of dog bones for my dog.  The food obviously weighs 35lbs and is fairly bulky.  I normally grab this, throw it on my shoulder and head to the checkout counter.  Today was no different.  I arrived noticing a woman completing her transaction, another couple behind her and then me.  No big deal.  The first lady completed her transaction and then began to strike up a conversation both with the checkout girl and the lady behind her.  I watched as not only did the checkout girl continue conversing with the first customer, but she made no attempt to progress the line forward to the couple in front of me.  All three customers had looked in my direction a few times but continued on with their conversation.  Next, I noticed another employee walk up to the same register I was waiting on, type something on the computer, and join the

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography I recently read my friend’s latest blog post regarding two personality tests and decided to take one of them myself, continuing my journey of self-discovery.  I highly suggest you check out his blog  here .  The results didn’t surprise me at all. In this blog post, Michael talks about two different tests.  First is the Myers-Briggs test and second is the Enneagram test.  I took the Enneagram test found  here .  So what were my results? Per the test, which I agree with the results, I fall very closely into two types of personalities.  The first personality I fall into is  THE LOYALIST , closely followed by  THE INDIVIDUALIST .  You can read more in-depth on the links provided, but I will let you know why I feel these both fit my personality. The Loyalist (type 6) is most known for being conflicted between trusted and distrusted people. Loyalists are in a constant state of worry, fear, and anxiety which describes me to a tee.  Type six people relentlessl

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography Today all my senses experienced the first signs of spring. As I moved from my car down the concrete path toward the lake I could hear chatter off in the distance.  As Sunday mornings here are normally a place of solitude I was surprised to hear others out here.  I left the path cutting across the field toward a familiar wooden bridge when I saw across the lake six young men running in a single formation with their legs moving as much as their mouths as their voices echoed throughout the area.  I crossed the wooden bridge, turned right and began my trek on the dirt path.  To the right of me, I could see these young men closing the distance and knew they would soon be in front of me.  I traversed the path quietly and was able to snap a shot of two ducks on the lake before they quickly flew away, disturbed by the joggers approaching me.  I stepped off the trail, let them pass, and then continued.  It would not be the last time I saw them today. The air ha

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography My heart and head have all-out wars daily. My heart looks for peace and happiness and longs to see the good in people, yet my head or logical part of me sees a lot of hate, distrust, anger, and selfishness.  We live in a fast-food culture of the here and now, expecting and deserving things that are not earned.  I admit for years I fell into that mentality as well.  I wanted ‘stuff’, I needed ‘stuff’, I deserved ‘stuff’, to justify my existence.  As I am driven by chaos and uncertainty I am forcing myself to try what’s left of my life to find goodness and meaning in my life. I have a successful job, a beautiful loving wife, a great dog, and a wonderful son.  I have a select few lifelong friends, and a few more friends I have picked up in recent years.  This however for me cannot sometimes outweigh the meteor shower of negativity, hate, and anger that bombards me every day.  This is what causes me great stress, anxiety and sometimes depression.  As Steve

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography I have recently started a journey of self-discovery.  I began with looking at friends, family, and activities I like to do and eliminated or minimized what I feel is not helping me grow as a person or taking up my time.  This blog is very personal and allows me to safely share some of my thoughts and feelings without the risk of judgment or expect an immediate reply. “The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand.  We listen to reply.” – Stephen R Covey.  I am guilty of this, and I know many people that are.  This weekend I spent some time with extended family members and realized that this quote fits them to a tee.  I am not judging them, but it was in listening to them fill any dead air or fill in gaps in conversations that I realized this is a big fault of mine as well.  So what does Stephen mean in the quote above?  My interpretation is this.  We as a human race do not listen when people talk, we wait for a break in the conver

I had to make a tough decision today.  I had to put my dog to sleep.  He has been with us for over ten years and the pain I am feeling will not heal for a while. I was on a business trip for work when I got the call from my wife that my four-year-old son was on his way with his grandparents to look at a dog.  I was being asked if it was okay to get one, but only one answer would suffice.  I arrived home late from my flight and made my way from the airport to Corydon, arriving home after 10 pm.  As I entered the house the main floor bathroom door was shut but the light was peering from below the door.  I sat my bag down and slowly opened the door.  Staring back at me was a set of big brown eyes from a fluff ball on the floor.  I saw many wee-wee pads scattered about the floor, which I had imagined were neatly placed there at one time but now were an organized mess.  I was greeted by Copper, our new Australian Shepherd. Copper like most dogs had his puppy stage and high energy stage but

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography Today I was surrounded by death and I was at peace.  With inherent storms forecasted for the weekend, I seized the opportunity to use a vacation day and head out for a hike.  Today’s location is one of my favorites, but not a typical destination one would think of for a hike.  I went to a very large, and very famous cemetery.  I spent some time alone on Friday the 13 th  at Cave Hill Cemetery. As I entered the main gate I drove to the end of a tree line road feeling the excitement as I would be able to explore this place in relative solitude.  I have been here many times, but I am usually with someone, like my family, who find the place interesting but do not want to stay long.  I pulled to the end of the road at the stop sign and parked.  I got out of my car, grabbed my camera and a water bottle and locked my car up.  I started my GPS and headed west toward an older section of the cemetery.  As I walked the wind was blowing quite forcefully but at hig

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography I recently decided to print a few of my pictures with plans to hang them in my house.  As I announced this on Facebook and mentioned it to a few people, the message was met with lots of joy from some, approval from others, and praises for yet others.  The prints arrived the other day.  I decided to print one of my shots in a very large format, and the other two in a more conventional 8×10 format.  As I opened the box, I first decided to look at the smaller prints and frame them as I had some frames lying around.  The larger print (my favorite shot thus far), I slowly removed from the package with my plan to take it and have it professionally framed as a birthday gift to me. I scanned all the shots with a critical eye, a trait I learned by taking pictures and found flaws in each shot.  My wife looked at them and said: “they are great, quit being so negative”.  So my dilemma is this.  We are taught from an early age to practice, improve and get better at

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography I was unable to hike on Saturday this week due to a long night dealing with a slowly dying dog.  Sunday I was able to get out for a while and clear my head. Today’s hike felt different.  The air smelled and tasted different than it had before.  Though the air was crisp and refreshing, it was obvious spring was coming.  I made my way from my car toward the lake I could hear the geese and ducks making their presence known.  At this point, they could not see me so my assumption was this was their way of welcoming a new day.  I was as well. The sun was breaking through the trees casting long shadows over the sidewalk and the lake I was quickly approaching.  I moved from the concrete path onto the frosted grass leaving a set of footprints behind to show where I had been.  I made my way toward the first path noticing for the first time in quite a while that there was no mud.  As the gentle thud of my boots echoed on the wooden bridge, I felt my body slowly b

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography I, like most people, require some level of affirmation or validation in various aspects of my life.  As I dive deeper into the creative passions of my life, I often ask for validation from my wife and close friends.  As I delve back into photography, I looked for approval from fellow photographer friends, whose opinions I respected.  In a few cases, I got constructive feedback, but in most examples, I would get a simple “looks good”, or “cool”, and even sarcastic responses.  Not exactly the feedback I was wanting.  I feel my photography in most cases is average at best, but I strive to improve every time I go out.  I still have not found my niche when it comes to what I love shooting.  My passion drives me to shoot as often as I can. My blog is something else altogether.  I am not a good writer and have no real agenda when it comes to what I post.  It is more the flavor or thought of the day that drives the subject.  I asked some friends about the rece

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography On March 31, 1993, Brandon Lee died.  Brandon was the son of the famous Bruce Lee, and like his father Brandon was more than just a martial artist and an actor, he was also a deep thinker.  When Brandon died filming the movie The Crow, he was performing interviews promoting the movie.  During one such interview, Brandon shared his thoughts on time, which ironically he had none left.  He said in this interview “ Because we do not know when we are going to die, we begin to think of life as an inexhaustible well, and yet everything happens only a certain number of times and a very small number.  How many times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood?  An afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you cannot conceive of your life without it?  Perhaps four or five times more.  Perhaps not even that.  How many times will you watch the full moon rise?  Perhaps twenty, and yet it all seems limitless .”  This interview and quotes have

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography “Image is everything.”  This was a slogan used by the professional tennis player Andre Agassi in the late 80’s early 90’s for a Canon commercial.  How ironic that this seems to be the mantra of society today. I recently had a correspondence with someone about this very topic and more specifically how it impacts one’s goals.  My perception is the person has the drive and desire to reach a certain role status at work, live in a certain type house (both cost-based and location-based), and maintains a physical appearance to portray a certain image.  Now, this is 100% speculation but I know it to be true for many people.  I recently told this person to re-examine their goals and truly decide why they are striving towards them.  Is it to satisfy family, is to satisfy a significant other, or to prove something to society?  If any of these are the case, then those dreams/goals are being pursued the wrong reason. Today is Easter Sunday.  As I head out for my no