Listen.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

I have recently started a journey of self-discovery.  I began with looking at friends, family, and activities I like to do and eliminated or minimized what I feel is not helping me grow as a person or taking up my time.  This blog is very personal and allows me to safely share some of my thoughts and feelings without the risk of judgment or expect an immediate reply.

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand.  We listen to reply.” – Stephen R Covey.  I am guilty of this, and I know many people that are.  This weekend I spent some time with extended family members and realized that this quote fits them to a tee.  I am not judging them, but it was in listening to them fill any dead air or fill in gaps in conversations that I realized this is a big fault of mine as well.  So what does Stephen mean in the quote above?  My interpretation is this.  We as a human race do not listen when people talk, we wait for a break in the conversation to either reply with our version of the topic, support or attack what was said, or offer our own opinion on the subject.  Let me provide an example of a reply.  Someone comes to you and says “I had a rough weekend.”  The response might be “Me too, I had my microwave die, I had a flat tire…”  This case was one of reply and completely skipping over what the original person said.  I see this and do this all the time.  Let me provide the same example using understanding.  Someone says “I had a rough weekend.”  The response should be. “I’m sorry.  What made it a rough weekend?  Are things better now?  Anything I can do to help?”  All these responses not only show understanding but hopefully reveal a genuine concern for the other person.  This is something I want to strive to be better at.  I will admit however in an attempt to be transparent I sometimes don’t care to hear things from certain people due to their negativity, drama, or what I perceive as the individual not being a good or genuine person in my opinion.  I know that sounds mean or cruel but I just want to be honest.

I learned early in life that there are two things that all relationships need to survive.  It does not matter if it is spouses, mother/daughter, boss/employee, brother/sister, friends if either of these two breaks down the relationship WILL fail.  These things are honest trust and communication.  Throughout my life I have offered my trust and been hurt, I also tend to communicate way too much and consequently been hurt.  Even in my close relationships when trying to communicate my thoughts or feelings about something or someone, the receiver sometimes turns the blame or anger back on me.  For that reason, I have become a bit more reserved when it comes to my opinion and especially with advice.  I have often been asked for advice which I freely gave, but it seems like more often than not that advice either falls on deaf ears or is debated (a pet peeve of mine).  If you are going to argue with my answer to a question you ask me …. Don’t ask!

I heard from a former coworker today.  She said “Tim I am so glad I ‘met’ you.  You keep things real and share so much with those around you.  A great friend.”  That means more to me than she will ever know.  This comes from someone I talk to quite a bit but have never met in person.  Through our frequent conversations and her reading this blog, I feel a great joy that I can provide her and others some insight into my thoughts and feelings.  I have heard from others that what I express in these posts are some of the same thoughts and feelings they have. Her message to me today helps to heal my recently broken heart.

My newest challenge is to start truly listening and trying to understand what people are trying to tell me.  My dad had this gift naturally, I do not.  Again being honest, this will not apply to everyone, but to those that I hold close to my heart.  Everyone has an inner circle of people they trust and rely on and I feel my ever-shrinking inner circle of confidants is getting smaller but much better.  My circle is shrinking by choice.  I want and need to listen, and not fill the gaps with an un-needed conversation.  My ultimate, yet unachievable goal is to have the conversations with my circle that I do with God.  He listens to me and communicates back to me only when I need it not just to fill the silence or gaps in the conversation.

Go sit in a room alone with no distractions, sit in a park alone, or take a hike in the woods alone (be careful please).  When you are there with your thoughts and have no reason to fill dead air, you might be amazed at how refreshing it is.  The woods are my confessional and there I listen and understand what I am being told.  I now need to learn to do that with the rest of the world, especially people.

Until next time,

Tim