Skip to main content

Slave.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

I am a slave to my fears but now I am working toward my freedom.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who both complimented me on my blog and praised my ability to be open and honest about who I am.  At the same time, this person commented that they are too private and could never do that.  My question is why?

I admit a good portion of my early adult life I was very trusting and open and honest with people about how I felt about things.  I was not a completely open book, but it was easy to read and pretty transparent.  Throughout this time I slowly was hurt time after time, which eventually lead me to become a person at almost the opposite end of the spectrum.  I became very callous, extremely distrusting, and very skeptical about people.

As with any self-reflection, I have begun to ask why I have turned out the way I have and come to realize it was because of the image I wanted to portray to others.  I have decided to change, at least in part.  I am going to be more honest with people, and within reason try not to hold back due to fear of offending or hurting others’ feelings.  Now I will not force my thoughts, beliefs, or ways of thinking of others, but I will if asked gladly give my opinion no matter the consequences.  I am young by most standards but I have realized that I am who I am, and there is no point trying to walk on eggshells or pretend to follow someone or something just to please.  I know this may rub people the wrong way, and I may lose people in my life because of that, but for the sake of my happiness, it is worth it.

Moving forward, I plan to be more open on how I feel and think (in person, not on Facebook), but know that I will not be 100% transparent.  Parts of my life are still private and will always be.  I do not feel anyone should have to hide in fear based on how they think or feel.  Again my intention is not to force anything on anyone, actually just the opposite.  However, if asked I will politely give my perspective on the subject being asked.  I only ask that if you ask me for my perspective do not argue with my answer (pet peeve).  You asked and I’m going to tell you what I think, right or wrong.  It will be my honest opinion.

Today’s hike was as usual peaceful for me and allowed me to clear my head.  My mind began to drift to my past today.  Thoughts of past choices and the impact of those choices flowed in and out of my brain like the many brooks I crossed on today’s trek.  I have lived my life to the best of my abilities, and know I have made bad choices and mistakes along the way.  The choices I have made have gotten me to where I am today.  Every one of us has done something we have to live with.  That we are trying to make up for.  Sometimes life is unfair. Sometimes we lose things.  Sometimes we make mistakes.  These things can never be fixed.  Some things just are. Everyone has to live with that.

I do not know if I would change anything I have experienced in my life because I know I would be different than I am now (better or worse).  I will always reflect on my past but am learning to not live there.  I have purchased a book called ‘Are you my type, am I yours?’ by Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele.  With this book as a guide, I am diving deeper into my personality type of The Questioner as I learned from taking the Enneagram test.  I know one test and one book will not sum everything up for me, but both have helped to verify and clarify some traits that I feel fit my personality like a glove.

One of the personality traits of The Questioner or The Loyalist is that of confronting my fears.  These are fears of my emotions and thinking only.  I will always be afraid of spiders!  The one I am tackling now is the fear of being exposed and criticized as mentioned above.  I hope my new plan to be more open and honest will allow me some inner peace.  Time will tell.

Until next time,

Tim

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Mentor

  When my photography journey rekindled back in 2015 with a trip to Maine, I never knew how far I would come and how important pushing a button on a camera would be. I have come a long way, but still have so much more to learn. A mentor is described as an experienced and trusted adviser (noun) . Also, as someone who will advise or train (someone, especially a younger  colleague ) (verb). Wikipedia also states mentorship is the patronage, influence, guidance, or direction given by a mentor. A mentor is someone who teaches or gives help and advice to a less experienced and often younger person.  Since I have gotten more serious about my photography, I have been looking for a mentor that fits these categories listed above. Seeking guidance, I reached out to a handful of “professional” photographers to inquire about mentorship. I received no response from one person, another person casually mentioned that they rarely mentor, and a third person kindly explained that they ...

Nobody's Listening

  I recently had conversations with two people I know that had experienced a sudden rash of acute anxiety. One was medication related, the other was situational. Both stated that they now had a better understanding of what I have been dealing with. With the recent changes to my medication, Although I still feel anxiety, it no longer takes control of my emotions like it did in the past. However, I know acutely that it still lurks on the fringes, patiently awaiting its chance to pounce on me. During my recent visit to Dr. Erin, she assigned me an exercise where I had to jot down three things each day that I felt I excelled at. This is proving to be difficult for me. The parameters are straightforward and easy to understand. “Anything I do well that day,” she said. As I continued with this exercise, I began thinking of a song by Linkin Par called Nobody’s Listening. I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress Handful of anger held in my chest And everything left’s a wast...

Tested

  Life is a series of tests, pushing us to our limits and forcing us to grow. All blessings originate from a God, yet they manifest through different circumstances, encounters, and individuals. Throughout the past six weeks, I have encountered a myriad of these tests. This is part of the reason I have not written in a while - the constant distractions that have consumed my time and focus. Balancing my mental state and warding off anxiety has consumed my attention, leaving no room to articulate my thoughts through writing. My journey began recently when, with the advice of a medical professional, I began taking Trintellix at its lowest dose of 5mg per day. Gradually I increased to 10mg a day and now am at 20mg a day. During this time, my anxiety has lessened quite a bit, but recent events have put this medication to the test. Our initial challenge was to carefully research vans, searching for ones that would be ideal for safely transporting our furry companions. The cramped spac...