Slave.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

I am a slave to my fears but now I am working toward my freedom.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who both complimented me on my blog and praised my ability to be open and honest about who I am.  At the same time, this person commented that they are too private and could never do that.  My question is why?

I admit a good portion of my early adult life I was very trusting and open and honest with people about how I felt about things.  I was not a completely open book, but it was easy to read and pretty transparent.  Throughout this time I slowly was hurt time after time, which eventually lead me to become a person at almost the opposite end of the spectrum.  I became very callous, extremely distrusting, and very skeptical about people.

As with any self-reflection, I have begun to ask why I have turned out the way I have and come to realize it was because of the image I wanted to portray to others.  I have decided to change, at least in part.  I am going to be more honest with people, and within reason try not to hold back due to fear of offending or hurting others’ feelings.  Now I will not force my thoughts, beliefs, or ways of thinking of others, but I will if asked gladly give my opinion no matter the consequences.  I am young by most standards but I have realized that I am who I am, and there is no point trying to walk on eggshells or pretend to follow someone or something just to please.  I know this may rub people the wrong way, and I may lose people in my life because of that, but for the sake of my happiness, it is worth it.

Moving forward, I plan to be more open on how I feel and think (in person, not on Facebook), but know that I will not be 100% transparent.  Parts of my life are still private and will always be.  I do not feel anyone should have to hide in fear based on how they think or feel.  Again my intention is not to force anything on anyone, actually just the opposite.  However, if asked I will politely give my perspective on the subject being asked.  I only ask that if you ask me for my perspective do not argue with my answer (pet peeve).  You asked and I’m going to tell you what I think, right or wrong.  It will be my honest opinion.

Today’s hike was as usual peaceful for me and allowed me to clear my head.  My mind began to drift to my past today.  Thoughts of past choices and the impact of those choices flowed in and out of my brain like the many brooks I crossed on today’s trek.  I have lived my life to the best of my abilities, and know I have made bad choices and mistakes along the way.  The choices I have made have gotten me to where I am today.  Every one of us has done something we have to live with.  That we are trying to make up for.  Sometimes life is unfair. Sometimes we lose things.  Sometimes we make mistakes.  These things can never be fixed.  Some things just are. Everyone has to live with that.

I do not know if I would change anything I have experienced in my life because I know I would be different than I am now (better or worse).  I will always reflect on my past but am learning to not live there.  I have purchased a book called ‘Are you my type, am I yours?’ by Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele.  With this book as a guide, I am diving deeper into my personality type of The Questioner as I learned from taking the Enneagram test.  I know one test and one book will not sum everything up for me, but both have helped to verify and clarify some traits that I feel fit my personality like a glove.

One of the personality traits of The Questioner or The Loyalist is that of confronting my fears.  These are fears of my emotions and thinking only.  I will always be afraid of spiders!  The one I am tackling now is the fear of being exposed and criticized as mentioned above.  I hope my new plan to be more open and honest will allow me some inner peace.  Time will tell.

Until next time,

Tim