Skip to main content

Slave.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

I am a slave to my fears but now I am working toward my freedom.

I recently had a conversation with a friend who both complimented me on my blog and praised my ability to be open and honest about who I am.  At the same time, this person commented that they are too private and could never do that.  My question is why?

I admit a good portion of my early adult life I was very trusting and open and honest with people about how I felt about things.  I was not a completely open book, but it was easy to read and pretty transparent.  Throughout this time I slowly was hurt time after time, which eventually lead me to become a person at almost the opposite end of the spectrum.  I became very callous, extremely distrusting, and very skeptical about people.

As with any self-reflection, I have begun to ask why I have turned out the way I have and come to realize it was because of the image I wanted to portray to others.  I have decided to change, at least in part.  I am going to be more honest with people, and within reason try not to hold back due to fear of offending or hurting others’ feelings.  Now I will not force my thoughts, beliefs, or ways of thinking of others, but I will if asked gladly give my opinion no matter the consequences.  I am young by most standards but I have realized that I am who I am, and there is no point trying to walk on eggshells or pretend to follow someone or something just to please.  I know this may rub people the wrong way, and I may lose people in my life because of that, but for the sake of my happiness, it is worth it.

Moving forward, I plan to be more open on how I feel and think (in person, not on Facebook), but know that I will not be 100% transparent.  Parts of my life are still private and will always be.  I do not feel anyone should have to hide in fear based on how they think or feel.  Again my intention is not to force anything on anyone, actually just the opposite.  However, if asked I will politely give my perspective on the subject being asked.  I only ask that if you ask me for my perspective do not argue with my answer (pet peeve).  You asked and I’m going to tell you what I think, right or wrong.  It will be my honest opinion.

Today’s hike was as usual peaceful for me and allowed me to clear my head.  My mind began to drift to my past today.  Thoughts of past choices and the impact of those choices flowed in and out of my brain like the many brooks I crossed on today’s trek.  I have lived my life to the best of my abilities, and know I have made bad choices and mistakes along the way.  The choices I have made have gotten me to where I am today.  Every one of us has done something we have to live with.  That we are trying to make up for.  Sometimes life is unfair. Sometimes we lose things.  Sometimes we make mistakes.  These things can never be fixed.  Some things just are. Everyone has to live with that.

I do not know if I would change anything I have experienced in my life because I know I would be different than I am now (better or worse).  I will always reflect on my past but am learning to not live there.  I have purchased a book called ‘Are you my type, am I yours?’ by Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele.  With this book as a guide, I am diving deeper into my personality type of The Questioner as I learned from taking the Enneagram test.  I know one test and one book will not sum everything up for me, but both have helped to verify and clarify some traits that I feel fit my personality like a glove.

One of the personality traits of The Questioner or The Loyalist is that of confronting my fears.  These are fears of my emotions and thinking only.  I will always be afraid of spiders!  The one I am tackling now is the fear of being exposed and criticized as mentioned above.  I hope my new plan to be more open and honest will allow me some inner peace.  Time will tell.

Until next time,

Tim

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Love to get your feedback on what you read!

Popular posts from this blog

A gift from a friend

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography Recently I received a gift from a friend.  It was unexpected but it meant so much.  A simple gesture, an act of kindness, a show of love and friendship. I met Miranda via Instagram based on a recommendation from my buddy Mark.  Like most things, he recommends I seriously consider and highly respect his suggestions.  This was true to form.  I began following Miranda on Instagram, Facebook and even viewing her website.  I stuck up a few online conversations and got the nerve to ask her for an interview.  I wrote about that here . Eventually, text and online correspondence led to a few phone calls.  I admired her work and even discussed creating a book of my own and she admitted wanting to do one as well.  Specifically, I saw two pictures that I loved.  My passion for nature, especially trees is well known.  When I saw this photo (single tree) I was floored.  I even asked her if I could buy a copy.  Nothing really came of that.  I then saw another photo ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Over Think?

Photo by: Mark Wilcoxson Last Friday I met with my Psychologist and as usual we had a great conversation about what things were troubling me as well as the things that were going great. One such topic I plan to discuss here. After a very emotional week for me, I discussed the three main impacts this past week held for me. While discussing the details with her, I mentioned two specific conversations I had recently. I was told by some “friends” that I am an over thinker. During our conversation, I provided the detail and the label I was given. She disagreed with that statement and diagnosis. As she described it (or I interpreted it) an over thinker is someone who harbors on a subject to where it affects them so much that it debilitates them. They will focus on a particular subject or issue and that exercise will affect other areas of their life. They may change their behavior, actions or lives because of it. She said if anything I ruminate. The definition of ruminate is ‘think deeply abo...
Post a Comment
Read more

Martin-Hogan-Long Cemetery

Photo by: Tim Bindner Today’s journey was to a seldom visited cemetery call Martin-Hogan-Long Cemetery (N38°06.621 W86°14.238). It is in Harrison-Crawford State Forest, but by the looks of the road to get there, few have traveled this way, or at least not traveled there in a long while. The bright sun made the 30° temperature feel warmer than it was. Something I would soon discover upon entering the thicker part of the forest ahead. Today’s hike was one mile one way, and I had a friend named Amanda join me upon this adventure. After grabbing our gear, we scurried around the locked gate at the end of a gravel road. By crossing the gate, we moved from a public road to the State Forest property. I was armed with a GPS and printed map showing “ overgrown, barely discernable fire lanes ” as given to me by my contact, a local Indiana DNR–Division of Forestry Resource Specialist. Amanda and I made our way downhill on the fire lane that quickly changed pitch and had us g...
Post a Comment
Read more