War.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

My heart and head have all-out wars daily. My heart looks for peace and happiness and longs to see the good in people, yet my head or logical part of me sees a lot of hate, distrust, anger, and selfishness.  We live in a fast-food culture of the here and now, expecting and deserving things that are not earned.  I admit for years I fell into that mentality as well.  I wanted ‘stuff’, I needed ‘stuff’, I deserved ‘stuff’, to justify my existence.  As I am driven by chaos and uncertainty I am forcing myself to try what’s left of my life to find goodness and meaning in my life.

I have a successful job, a beautiful loving wife, a great dog, and a wonderful son.  I have a select few lifelong friends, and a few more friends I have picked up in recent years.  This however for me cannot sometimes outweigh the meteor shower of negativity, hate, and anger that bombards me every day.  This is what causes me great stress, anxiety and sometimes depression.  As Steve Maraboli once said “People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear, and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivity and let that fuel propel you into positive action.”  I am on a new journey.

I rarely watch the news, turn a deaf ear to politics, and am trying to limit my social media. As best I can I try to cut negative people out of my life (some I am stuck with).  I want to train my brain to be more like my friends Wendi, Tesa, Al, and Kenny. They can mostly be patient and positive, a trait I tend to fail at. My wife is also great at this. I know others that are great at looking at the positive side of things, and I need to utilize them to teach me, due to my inability to do so.  As mentioned it is a journey and will take me time, but I hope I can reach the end.

This week I printed, framed and hung nine pictures in my house.  These are to date nine of my favorite shots I have taken.  Initially, I saw the errors in those shots while examining them with a photographer’s eye. I mentally made note of what I could have done better. Now that they are hung I focus (pun intended) on the beauty of each shot.  I feel fortunate that God allowed me to capture the moments I have displayed on my wall.  I realize now I was just a conduit for this beauty, I had very little to do with it, but am glad I was able to capture these moments.  I guess that is why I love nature, photography, and music so much.  All three touch my spirit and emotions so deeply, unlike anything else. Yes, there is anger, rage, negativity in all three, but in those venues, I only see the good and try to hold on to it.

My nature will still be to want, but my focus will change.  The things I want to involve long-lasting emotions and memories.  Since I am now beginning to document, both in writing and in photographs, I think I soon will start my bucket list.  I encourage you to do the same.  I may share it upon its completion and may not.  I am quite sure my eventual bucket list will be one made up of very different things than the one my younger self that wanted/needed/deserved ‘stuff’ would have made.  I hope that the needy guy is dead, and a new more positive and patient Tim emerges.

Until next time,

Tim