Limitless.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

On March 31, 1993, Brandon Lee died.  Brandon was the son of the famous Bruce Lee, and like his father Brandon was more than just a martial artist and an actor, he was also a deep thinker.  When Brandon died filming the movie The Crow, he was performing interviews promoting the movie.  During one such interview, Brandon shared his thoughts on time, which ironically he had none left.  He said in this interview “Because we do not know when we are going to die, we begin to think of life as an inexhaustible well, and yet everything happens only a certain number of times and a very small number.  How many times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood?  An afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you cannot conceive of your life without it?  Perhaps four or five times more.  Perhaps not even that.  How many times will you watch the full moon rise?  Perhaps twenty, and yet it all seems limitless.”  This interview and quotes have always stuck with me since I heard it.

I spend a lot of my life analyzing things.  Whether it is questioning a decision, stressing over what might be coming, or looking back at certain moments in my life that have changed me forever.   I like many take time for granted.  I feel there will always be a tomorrow, that my friends will always be there for me to contact, and that the sun will always come up.  I know they won’t, but I am now contemplating the results of those things not happening.  I have lost people in my life.  Some have died, others have just drifted away, and still, others I know will soon be gone (either drifting away or dying).  My mortality is something I think of quite often.  As a child and young man these were fleeting thoughts, as I grow older the realization is setting in and these thoughts seem to occupy more of my time.  As a child, a teenager, and even in my twenties, the age of fifty not only seemed so far away, but it also seemed old.  Throughout my life, I have had a type of premonition when it comes to events in my life.  One thing that has been consistent in this sense that I would only live to the age of fifty or fifty-five.  As mentioned before it was not a big concern as fifty was so far away when I was younger.  My goal is to live to a ripe old age, whatever that may be, and I hope my intuition is wrong, but I know God has a plan for me whatever, and whenever it is.

As mentioned in a previous post I have three men that influenced my life and made me who I am.  They are my dad, my cousin Tom and Prince.  My dad was a wonderful man.  Everyone loved him and he never had a bad word to say about anyone, nor did anyone say anything bad about him.  My dad had an enviable trait to take the time to sit and listen to others.  He would listen intently to anything anyone had to say.  He would not judge, he would not make excuses to get away, he would sit or stand and listen, for however how long it took.  As a counselor, I felt it was part of the therapy he learned in school and also at the Seminary he attended.  He would listen and help guide people but never tell them what to do, judge them or berate them.  I learned some of these skills but not all of them.  Dad died in 2007 of lung cancer, and I realized after he passed how much he meant to me.  I was and still am not the best child, that title falls to my sister, but I tried to take some of the things he taught me and weave them into my life.  Watching dad die of cancer over a six-month process was very hard, but it was not until the funeral that I got kicked in the gut.  While at the visitation I was approached by a long-time family friend.  In my immediate family, there is me and my younger sister, no other kids.  This family friend walked up to me and whispered to me “you know you are now the man of the family.  You are the leader.”  Though I was 38 years old, at that moment I became a child.  I was not ready and am still not ready for that responsibility.  Mr. Bindner is and always will be my dad, I am Tim.

My second cousin Tom died two years later of lung cancer in 2009.  Tom moved into an apartment above our garage when I was six years old.  He lived there until we moved at age sixteen.  Tom was the world to me.  He was a big brother, good friend, idol and even another father figure.  As a young male, I never felt comfortable asking certain questions of my parents, with fear of over-analysis, or criticism.  Tom was that sounding board I could use with no repercussions.  I found out much later whatever I asked or told him in secret would be shared with my parents, and much of his advice was only channeled through him but came from dad.  When dad died the first person I went to was Tom.  Without him, for those first few months, I am not sure I would have survived.  So many of my deepest memories are of conversations with Tom.  His sarcasm was passed onto me, his love of music was passed on to me, his love of photography was passed on to me, his respect for the military, and his values were all passed on to me.  I was raised by two fathers, both of who loved me more than anyone person could.  Like, dad, I watch Tom slowly die.  His body deteriorated, and eventually, his passion for life flickered out before he passed.  Two years and two days after dad died, I lost my other father.  I do not think I ever fully recovered.

Prince was another influence for me.  I never met him, nor saw him in concert, but his music was one of my counselors during the hardest part of any teenage boy’s life.  Like most music I listen to, I can tie a memory, place, time and emotion to each of his songs.  His albums of Dirty Mind, Controversy, 1999, Purple Rain and Around the World In a Day got me through some depressing times growing up, and also was the sparks for my happiness during those years.  As I lost relatives, had fights with friends or family, got rejected by girls, questioned religion, and tried to find an identity, all those things Prince seemed to have an answer in a song or lyric.  He was my priest, counselor, and therapist all in one.  Even years later, certain songs that I listen to by him will bring back a flood of memories and emotions.  Prince died in 2016 and like with my dad and Tom, I found myself fatherless again.

I am a father, and try and draw my actions, decisions, and advice from the three most influential men in my life.  I more often than not feel I am failing at being a good father and role model for my son.  Our interests are so different, our ways of thinking and reactions to issues are so different, and I must compete with video games and social media.  I am losing that battle.  My son has his grandfather (my wife’s father) that he can learn from, as well as a step-uncle.  Their influence is much stronger and more respected than mine.  I hope my son will someday have at least some of what I received from dad, Tom, and Prince.  If the influence is not from me hopefully it will come from his grandfather or uncle.

Life is short and as Brandon pointed out it is not limitless.  I struggle daily to block the negative influences of media, social media and politics.  I also fight the negativity of my mind.  By photographing I hope to reflect on these times and remember all the good I have.  I am blessed in so many ways; I am just learning to not take for granted the simpler things in life.  Stopping to enjoy my favorite smells like vanilla, freshly cut grass, lavender, pumpkin cake, and the leaves decaying in autumn.  Paying attention to the breeze blowing through a screen window, the distant sound of a mower off when someone cuts the grass, the hush after a snowfall, the sounds of steady rain, the creaking of trees in the woods, or the babbling of a brook while hiking.  And moments.  Dinner with friends, taking in a sunrise, walks in the woods, spending time with my wife and son.  All these are not limitless as they appear, and I am learning not to take advantage of any of them.

Until next time,

Tim