Ruminator

  I have been in a funk lately. I am adjusting to my anxiety medicine, and I feel it is working, but maybe too well. Last week I met with Dr. Erin. She, of course, asked me how I was feeling and honestly, I told her I was not really feeling anything. We dug deeper, and she explained that my anxiety prior to the medicine was like a roller coaster. I had extreme highs and extreme lows. Now with the medicine it is more of a flatter track. I am not hitting the lows; Like I was before (which is good), but also not hitting the highs either. I feel like I am purely existing. Little desire to do much of anything. It’s true my passions are hiking and photography, which I do little of in the summer because of ticks, heat, and snakes. I know fall is approaching and I hope that helps me get out of this funk somewhat. I will also speak to my psychiatrist about lowering my dosage to see if that helps. Even my writing has been affected. I have not had the desire to write. Music, however, ha...

  I recently watched the movie Couples Retreat, which I have seen many times. It is a comfort movie for me. Part of the movie has each couple being presented with their ‘spirit animal’ and that, of course, got me thinking. There have been studies done, cultures that believe, and even people who identify with spirit animals. If you Google spirit animal, you will find many ‘quizzes’ that will help you identify ‘your’ spirit animal. Google also defines this subject as a spirit animal refers to a spirit which helps guide or protect a person on a journey and whose characteristics that person shares or embodies. People have chosen many majestic animals such as the wolf, eagle, bear, lion, and cougar, to mention a few. I began thinking of who best identifies with me and my personality and I came up with a cartoon character based on a real animal. The Tasmanian Devil. Also referred to as Taz in the Looney Toons universe. Taz is generally portrayed as a ferocious, albeit dim-wit...

  I realized something today. That I have stopped living life. I am literally just trying to get to the next day. Just living in the thought of tomorrow. I’m not living. I’m waiting. And the trouble is. I have no idea what it is exactly I am waiting for. To tell you the truth, I’m kind of scared for what that might be. Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure, but not having no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything and then caring about nothing. It is feeling everything at once and then all the sudden feeling paralyzingly numb. It’s like drowning beneath the waves but your dying of thirst. I don’t think people realize how much strength it takes to pull your own self out of a dark place mentally. Until next time, Tim

  Life is a series of tests, pushing us to our limits and forcing us to grow. All blessings originate from a God, yet they manifest through different circumstances, encounters, and individuals. Throughout the past six weeks, I have encountered a myriad of these tests. This is part of the reason I have not written in a while - the constant distractions that have consumed my time and focus. Balancing my mental state and warding off anxiety has consumed my attention, leaving no room to articulate my thoughts through writing. My journey began recently when, with the advice of a medical professional, I began taking Trintellix at its lowest dose of 5mg per day. Gradually I increased to 10mg a day and now am at 20mg a day. During this time, my anxiety has lessened quite a bit, but recent events have put this medication to the test. Our initial challenge was to carefully research vans, searching for ones that would be ideal for safely transporting our furry companions. The cramped spac...

 Life asked Death.  "Why does everyone love you and hate me?" Death replied.  "Because you are a beautiful lie, and I am the ugly truth!"