Waiting for the End to Come

 

I have been in a funk lately. I am adjusting to my anxiety medicine, and I feel it is working, but maybe too well.

Last week I met with Dr. Erin. She, of course, asked me how I was feeling and honestly, I told her I was not really feeling anything. We dug deeper, and she explained that my anxiety prior to the medicine was like a roller coaster. I had extreme highs and extreme lows. Now with the medicine it is more of a flatter track. I am not hitting the lows; Like I was before (which is good), but also not hitting the highs either. I feel like I am purely existing. Little desire to do much of anything.

It’s true my passions are hiking and photography, which I do little of in the summer because of ticks, heat, and snakes. I know fall is approaching and I hope that helps me get out of this funk somewhat. I will also speak to my psychiatrist about lowering my dosage to see if that helps.

Even my writing has been affected. I have not had the desire to write. Music, however, has sparked an idea and got my creative juices flowing. Before anyone calls Marcie, please read the rest of this post. I want to state I am NOT suicidal and, though a little depressed; I am not planning on harming myself. I just identify with the lyrics of this song. Songs often say what I am feeling, but I cannot put into words.

The song is Waiting for the End to Come by Linkin Park. From the title, some may assume it means the end of life, but for me it means the end of this funk I am going through.

At the beginning of the song, Mike Shinoda begins with “This is not the end; this is not the beginning. Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision. But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm. And though the words sound steady, something’s empty within ‘em.” This touched a nerve. I have mentioned in the past I run through a ton of scenarios in my head for every decision I make. Those voices have been very loud and all-consuming at times. “Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision. But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm.” Erin mentioned to me last week that I always appear so calm and together after discussing my spirit animal blog post. I said the appearance may be that way but inside I am often a spinning tornado. “And though the words sound steady, something’s empty within ‘em.”

The next verse by Mike continues with “We say, yeah, with fists flying up in the air. Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there. ‘Cause we’re living at the mercy of the pain and fear

Until we are dead it, forget it, let it all disappear.” Again, with those various scenarios I hold on to, 99% of the scenarios I imagine are invisible and never happen. I also live in the pain and fear of those perceived outcomes until the result is finally revealed of the particular situation I am ruminating on. I have often said I will not truly be at peace until I die. I believe that. “Until we are dead it, forget it, let it all disappear.”

Chester Bennington’s angelic voice begins with “Waiting for the end to come. Wishing I had strength to stand. This is not what I had planned. It’s out of my control.” He continues, “Flying at the speed of light. Thoughts were spinning in my head. So many things were left unsaid. It’s hard to let you go.” I often wonder how I can muster up the strength to fight these thoughts in my head. The medicine I take has lowered my anxiety, but the thoughts are still there. I just don’t seem to care about them, or much of anything these days.

The chorus builds with, “I know what it takes to move on. I know how it feels to lie. All I wanna do is trade this life for something new. Holding on to what I haven’t got.” I am happy with my life and where I am. The only change I wish for is peace. Peace within my brain. Dr. Erin has told me how to “move on” just I am fighting a 56-year habit and battle that I cannot seem to break. I am truly “Holding on to what I haven’t got.”

These next lyrics hit me hard. “What was left when that fire was gone? I thought it felt right, but that right was wrong. All caught up in the eye of the storm. And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on.” Right now, my fire is gone. I thought this medicine was helping but it may be overkill. I seem to be caught up on this storm of wishing part of the old me was back, but glad part of it is also quieted. I am trying to figure out what it will be like moving on.

Finally, “And I don’t even know what kind of things I’ve said. My mouth kept moving, and my mind went dead. So, I’m picking up the pieces now where to begin. The hardest part of ending is starting again.” I often feel I am not me. That I hear and say things since starting this high dosage of meds that sound like they are coming from someone else. I will work with my professionals to regulate my medicine (I guess) and start this all over again until I can get to where I need to be. I hope it is simply lower my dosage a bit.

This is a journey and things I hope will eventually work out. Right now, I am numb (which is another Linkin Park song). I hope I can bring back my passions and squash my lows. But hey, I’m writing again!

Please check out the video below.

https://youtu.be/5qF_qbaWt3Q?si=5LLH8h4eHbbhbwTh

Until next time,

Tim