Relax

Photo by: Tim Bindner

Recently I had a friend’s post on Facebook. “Some of you need to chill out. Most of life is not that urgent. Breathe, relax, and enjoy the moment.” They did not direct this at me, but it got me thinking, as usual.

The person who posted the message is retired. I have heard people with lots of money say things like money is not important. I have heard others that are secure in certain aspects of their life (love, finances, job, etc.) to not worry so much about something they are already secure in. It is easy to tell others to chill, don’t worry, or relax, but for people like me, it is not so easy to do.

My in-laws (retired) decide to do things at the last minute, or just have tasks they do whenever they decide to. Not an issue usually, but they are often trying to do things they cannot do on their own, because of their age and physical ability. When they decide to do certain tasks, my wife runs to help them. This means if I am not working, I will help too. I do not mind helping. However, this often means (with no planning) I may not be dressed properly for the chores I am headed to help with. Like carrying heavy objects in slides or cutting grass in a black shirt and nice shorts.

I have another friend that has retired from a government job and when I stressed about Marcie losing her job at Humana; he told me don’t worry about it. “You paid your house off, you got money. Don’t worry. I told him that those things are true. But he doesn’t know that my paycheck is small after I pay for health insurance for us three. I also contribute a lot to my HSA to pay for my many medical expenses. Finally, I contribute almost 25% to my 401K, which leaves little left over on my net pay.

We live off Marcie’s check. Now that her employment is over, the advice I received from him was “cut down or stop contributing to your 401K and HSA.” This person has free insurance for life, a pension for life (with raises). My retirement will rely 100% on my 401K monies (and Marcie’s). We cannot retire until we have enough to support us for the rest of our life. We also must pay for our own health insurance even after we retire. Our financial advisor told us “Expect $800-$1200 a month for medical expenses until Medicare kicks in“. My friend understood I must continue doing what I am currently eventually doing to retire after I explained it to him.

My brain is in a constant state of flux. I am ALWAYS thinking, planning, and preparing. I cannot turn that off. I can try to slow it down, but that rarely happens. Therapy has helped me identify those traits, but nothing can stop these thoughts. When I say always. I am not exaggerating. The flow of thoughts, worry, and anticipation is often worse between 2a and 6am. Not a great recipe for restful sleep.

I appreciate the sentiment of “don’t worry, relax, chill, and even it’ll be okay“. However, my brain will not comply as I continue to navigate the murky and deep waters of my mind.

My physical therapist and massage therapist say my neck and shoulders are very tense and tight. I have learned that is how my body deals with the stresses of my mind.

So those of you that know me and tease me about my planning. I plan for consequences that my mind makes up. I plan to lessen the stress of alterations to the plan. I plan to ease the uncertainty of what ‘might happen’. I plan to put my mind at ease (even if it is only slightly). I plan for my own mental sanity.

I live in a world of friends who do NOT plan. Most of my friends are spontaneous, late to get together, or do little to no planning at all. Opposite of me. I don’t expect my friends to change, but the ones that read this hopefully will understand why I plan so much, and not see me as being a nag.

I have often told people I cannot relax until I die, and I mean that. This body and brain will not get rest either until I die. It is exhausting. It is painful. Over the past 8+ months, my body has shown results of this stress. To break down. To fight back. A battle between my body and my mind. My soul and spirit stuck in the middle.

You don’t know pain until you’re staring at yourself in the mirror with the tears in your eyes, begging yourself to just hold on and be strong. That is pain.

There are two types of tiredness: one that requires rest. The other that requires peace. I hope to achieve both someday.

Until next time,

Tim