I recently had conversations with two people I know that had
experienced a sudden rash of acute anxiety. One was medication related, the
other was situational. Both stated that they now had a better understanding of
what I have been dealing with.
With the recent changes to my medication, Although I still
feel anxiety, it no longer takes control of my emotions like it did in the
past. However, I know acutely that it still lurks on the fringes, patiently
awaiting its chance to pounce on me.
During my recent visit to Dr. Erin, she assigned me an
exercise where I had to jot down three things each day that I felt I excelled
at. This is proving to be difficult for me. The parameters are straightforward
and easy to understand. “Anything I do well that day,” she said.
As I continued with this exercise, I began thinking of a
song by Linkin Par called Nobody’s Listening.
I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
Handful of anger held in my chest
And everything left’s a waste of time
I hate my rhymes but hate everyone else’s more
I’m ridin’ on the back of this pressure
Guessin’ that it’s better I can’t keep myself together
Because all of this stress gave me somethin’ to write on
The pain gave me somethin’ I could set my sights on
You never forget the blood, sweat, and tears
The uphill struggle over years, the fear
And trash-talkin’ and the people it was to
And the people that started it, just like you
While on the higher dose of medication, I confided in Erin
that writing was the last thing on my mind. Honestly, it was a strangely numb
experience, devoid of any discernible emotions. It was at that moment that
doubt crept into my mind. Can one find solace within the confines of agony? It
wasn’t exactly pain, but a strange sense of comfort amidst the discomfort.
“Because all of this stress gave me somethin’ to write
on
The pain gave me somethin’ I could set my sights on”
Uneasiness and discomfort have woven themselves into the
fabric of my existence. Having endured countless unsettling experiences in
their past, the next disturbing incident feels strangely routine, almost
familiar, regardless of its actual nature. The trials and challenges I’ve
endured have toughened me, making me more resilient than the average person.
It is like sitting in cold water. The moment you enter it,
you hesitate. But later you are ok with it. And now I don’t feel like coming
out of it.
Pain exhausts you, it drains your energy and leaves you in a
numb state. It leaves you in a condition where you cannot feel anything except
for the exhaustion of mind because of which you cannot focus on the sole reason
for the pain itself.
I can already imagine the interesting discussion that will
arise when I see Erin again. I want to bask in the warmth of happiness, rather
than be burdened by discomfort. I don’t want to constantly anticipate that
every positive aspect of my life will be countered by something negative.
Until next time,
Tim
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