Ruminator

Let me take you back a little to give some context to what I am about to tell you. I receive massages every two weeks to loosen myself up. It helps slightly but does not last long. I hold all my stress and tension in my neck and shoulders. My massage therapist describes me as “concrete” often. On December 3rd of 2021, I had a session with her and had her dig into my neck to loosen the knot I feel. What happened that evening has transformed me. I do not blame her one bit; I blame myself. That evening, I began having vision problems. I didn’t lose vision but saw everything stacked. My left eye sees something and my right sees the same, but the right side was slightly higher than the left. This, of course, caused me headaches and nausea. I got in to see my eye doctor on that Monday who checked my eyes and said my vision was fine, but was going to refer me to his friend, who was a specialist. I went there the next morning. After multiple eye drops and vision tests, not to mention a light b...

On Tuesday of this week I went to visit my new doctor (well nurse practitioner), as my previous doctor took a new role as CEO of our local hospital. I arrived, waited, was taken to the examination room, waited again, and then she arrived. We went over recent lab work and her serious concerns and recommendation for further tests and additional medication. I will not go into specifics about what was discussed, but the news was not great and of course only added to the pressure and anxiety I was feeling from my last post. As mentioned in my last post, I do NOT want pity. I returned home, finished my workday, then received a text from a different friend I have known all my life. I have known this person all my life, and she had read my blogs recently. She had texted me to tell me she had just finished this one and that it provided her clear insight into my state of mind and who I was. I asked her if we could talk later that evening. We did. She called, we exchanged pleasantries, asked how ...

This week has been very challenging for me. I am not writing this to receive pity. In fact, I actually hate pity. It is more of an exercise to process what is going on and how my brain deals with it. Over the weekend, I had lunch with a dear and lifelong friend. We shared some positive conversation, but much of it dealt with his current mood and situation. He is currently dealing with a daughter and wife who are battling substance abuse (both deny it) and he has a close family member who died when he was in his twenties of the same substance abuse. I watched him and listened to him and saw the pain in his eyes. If this had been 5 or more years ago, I would have jumped in and gave him advice, but I have learned not to do that anymore. Nothing he has done but what have others have done with my advice in the past. As he is telling me his situation, my brain runs through all the scenarios I think he is going through and begins solving them in my mind. I don’t share this with him, but in fa...

Photo by: Tim Bindner I have emailed a few of you about my recent ‘big’ decision, but wanted to go into more detail here. Remember, this is my decision and while some of you will have opinions on why I should or should not have done this, I decided for myself. I have been on an off Facebook for years now. I am also on Instagram, Tiktok, YouTube and listen to podcasts and read/write blogs. I decided today to eliminate a few of these social media accounts. I began with Facebook. Like I mentioned, I have been on and off of that for a while. I mainly stayed with it because of photography groups I followed. I also deleted my Instagram account Tiktok will not be far behind. I will keep my blog and YouTube. So why did I decide to cut the cord? I am not sure it is one singular reason but a multitude. First, I would point out that it to me appears to be a big time waster. Next is the toxicity of comments and messages I see on there. These have been mostly directed at others, but I have gotten s...

Photo by: Tim Bindner Today I want to talk about motivation. Motivation pushes us on every aspect of our life, but with only two driving factors. We as individuals are driven or motivated toward something good or away from something bad. What do I mean by that? The best way I can explain this is through examples. As children, we were told early to do our best and get good grades. We soon learned and chose a path of motivation for that. For some, it was good. To learn, to be acknowledged or praised, to achieve, to grow. For others, such as myself, I was motivated by the bad. I was scared to get poor grades (which I got plenty) due to ridicule from classmates, having conferences with my teachers and parents, and discipline for those poor grades from the school and/or parents. Another example may be home, car, or career title. Excellent motivation would live in a house that was designed and built to meet your needs, or driving a dream car that has specific meaning to you, or climbing the ...