Part 1 - Substance Abuse

This week has been very challenging for me. I am not writing this to receive pity. In fact, I actually hate pity. It is more of an exercise to process what is going on and how my brain deals with it.

Over the weekend, I had lunch with a dear and lifelong friend. We shared some positive conversation, but much of it dealt with his current mood and situation. He is currently dealing with a daughter and wife who are battling substance abuse (both deny it) and he has a close family member who died when he was in his twenties of the same substance abuse.

I watched him and listened to him and saw the pain in his eyes. If this had been 5 or more years ago, I would have jumped in and gave him advice, but I have learned not to do that anymore. Nothing he has done but what have others have done with my advice in the past.

As he is telling me his situation, my brain runs through all the scenarios I think he is going through and begins solving them in my mind. I don’t share this with him, but in fact take the problem on myself as if it was happening to me.

We finished our lunch, shared a hug and “love you bud” and off I went. I came home later and received a text from him that reads in part “I always knew in my heart that no matter what, if I needed you would be there for me.” He pointed out, “I always have known you are a true friend that loves me unconditionally.”

The rest of the text is private but weighed heavy on my heart.

Stay tuned for the next two things that also impacted me this week in the next two posts.

Until next time,

Tim (Kilmer)

Comments

Nobody's Listening

I recently had conversations with two people I know that had experienced a sudden rash of acute anxiety. One was medication related, the other was situational. Both stated that they now had a better understanding of what I have been dealing with. With the recent changes to my medication, Although I still feel anxiety, it no longer takes control of my emotions like it did in the past. However, I know acutely that it still lurks on the fringes, patiently awaiting its chance to pounce on me. During my recent visit to Dr. Erin, she assigned me an exercise where I had to jot down three things each day that I felt I excelled at. This is proving to be difficult for me. The parameters are straightforward and easy to understand. “Anything I do well that day,” she said. As I continued with this exercise, I began thinking of a song by Linkin Par called Nobody’s Listening. I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress Handful of anger held in my chest And everything left’s a wast...

Waiting for the End to Come

I have been in a funk lately. I am adjusting to my anxiety medicine, and I feel it is working, but maybe too well. Last week I met with Dr. Erin. She, of course, asked me how I was feeling and honestly, I told her I was not really feeling anything. We dug deeper, and she explained that my anxiety prior to the medicine was like a roller coaster. I had extreme highs and extreme lows. Now with the medicine it is more of a flatter track. I am not hitting the lows; Like I was before (which is good), but also not hitting the highs either. I feel like I am purely existing. Little desire to do much of anything. It’s true my passions are hiking and photography, which I do little of in the summer because of ticks, heat, and snakes. I know fall is approaching and I hope that helps me get out of this funk somewhat. I will also speak to my psychiatrist about lowering my dosage to see if that helps. Even my writing has been affected. I have not had the desire to write. Music, however, ha...

Rumination

I've found myself stuck in a loop lately. It's like my mind is on a hamster wheel, endlessly circling the same thoughts. I can't seem to shake them. It's exhausting. I've been there. That place where thoughts loop around and around, like a broken record stuck on the same groove. It's like my mind is a haunted house, and these persistent thoughts are the ghosts haunting me. I'll be thinking about something, maybe a conversation I had earlier in the day, and then suddenly, I'm spiraling. I'm replaying every word, every gesture, analyzing every detail. It's like a broken record, playing the same tune repeatedly. It's not just conversations, either. I can ruminate about my to-do list, my relationships, or even the weather. It's as if my brain is determined to find a problem, no matter how small. Rumination, as it's called, can be a real drain. It's like trying to go against the flow of a strong current. No matter how hard I ...

Ruminator

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