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Good intentions.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

Memorial Day I was surprised with a party at my house in honor of my latest birthday.  It fell under the category of good intention.  My wife planned what I thought was a small get together at our house, yet it was a disguise, to celebrate my recent birthday.  Her intentions were noble and appreciated but I was not very happy about it.

I have said in jest that my birthday has never counted since my son was born.  His birthday falls two days after mine.  I have said this jokingly but my wife took it to heart.  I have never been one that enjoys birthday celebrations, especially my own.  I do not judge others for having them; I just don’t see the point personally.  In my life, I was surprised at my 21st, 40th and now my latest birthday.  I think for me it boils down to being the center of attention.  I do not like being a central focus, especially in front of a large group of people.  I have been asked at my employer multiple times throughout my career both as a Leader and an associate of what method I prefer for recognition/praise.  The choices are party/public recognition, private communication from your Leader, or none at all.  Honestly, I prefer none at all but always answer private communication.  I think this carries over into other aspects of my life.

As part of the mirage, my wife set this party up as a small gathering of people to hang out and eat.  My expectation was maybe 8 or so folks just hanging out on Memorial Day.   My understanding was this was going to be a group that included a few close friends, and some family.  The result was that there were maybe close to 25 people in the house, and again with the focus of being there for me.  While I appreciate the effort my wife put into this, and the fact that so many people not only cared enough to show up, and also provide gifts, the anxiety I felt yesterday, outweighed what my wife had intended for me to feel.

I understand the need people have to be celebrated, loved, honored and even their presence acknowledged, but I am not one of those people.  I know of a former co-worker who spent a recent weekend with family, not only celebrating a birthday but having each person in the family mention what this person offers to each person in their family and discussing all the accomplishments of this person.  Again that is a great tribute to this person, but not I would enjoy at all.  I do not want or need to be praised for who I am, recognized for who I am or what I’ve done in my life, nor do I need to be celebrated or validated.  I have slowly throughout my life moved from being an extrovert more to an introvert.  My various life accomplishments (first job, high school graduation, college graduation, receiving my driver’s license, new job, etc.) were things I celebrated alone, by choice.  Heck, even my wedding was something I felt nervous at.  Not because of getting married but the idea of everyone focused on us and I felt obligated to go talk to many people I barely knew.

Another aspect of this party that causes me angst is the fact that many attendees bought me gifts yesterday.   Every one that did so works hard for their money and each has many expenses in their daily lives.   I feel extremely bad for receiving these gifts and worse that there is an expectation of obligation that comes with birthday parties, to bring a gift, especially for a grown man.

Again I do want to show the gratitude towards my wife for organizing this and I do enjoy spending time with many of the people that were at my house yesterday, but in large crowds, especially those that are there for me solely, I do not enjoy.  My true enjoyment comes from small intimate conversations with people.  Whether it is dinner with my wife, lunches with my friends Al, Mike, Shawn or Steve, hiking with Kristin, a simple IM conversation with Mary Jo, or dinner with Laurie and Kenny, these are a few examples when I feel most relaxed, most comfortable and also the most sincere.  Being at a place with many people, first, it is hard to have conversations with everyone, but secondarily making the rounds does not allow for the close intimate talks I like to have.

In the future please no more surprise parties, or celebrations in my name.  If anyone wants to plan something, let me know and I will tell you what I WANT.  Giving me what I want, is more special and meaningful, then making assumptions and planning without my input.  I was blessed to have many of my friends with me yesterday, especially my wife.  For that, I am truly grateful.

Until next time,

Tim

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