Skip to main content

Somewhere I Belong

 


Music is so powerful. It is an integral part of my life. It often helps me express my feelings that I cannot do otherwise in any form. Yesterday this happened to me once again.

I drove to Curby, Indiana for my massage. It is a nice smooth drive west on interstate 64 to exit 92. With the temperature in the upper 70s and the sun shining brightly, I had all four windows down and my sunroof open. Cruising at 78mph, my playlist on shuffle and the radio turned up. We have all done this.

I arrived at my massage location and as it begun, my massage therapist referenced my latest post tiled 3am. She, however, had a different take on it. She mentioned that she had read waking up at 3am consistently was because of anxiety or anger, not creativity. The CALM app states, “The mind has a funny way of kicking into overdrive just when you need rest the most. Stress and anxiety can activate your body’s “fight or flight” response, making it hard to stay asleep.”

For me, waking up at 3am has been going on most of my life, so I am not sure if it is indeed stress and anxiety, or the fact that I have a creative mind or possibly a combination of both. Whatever it is it is exhausting. I yearn for a solid, uninterrupted night’s sleep.

I paid, said goodbye, hopped in my car, rolled down the windows, turned up the radio and made the return 30-mile trip back home. As I merged on the freeway, the song Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park began to play. Feeling relaxed and hypersensitive, the following lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks. “I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real. I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long (Erase all the pain ‘til it’s gone)”. Instantly I got the chills, and the tears began to flow. These lyrics tapped into how I was feeling with my anxiety.

Anxiety is not a pain like stubbing your toe or breaking a bone. It is a nagging pain that, when experiencing it, can certainly be overwhelming, but most of the time for me is like a nagging itch from a mosquito bite or a mild sunburn that always reminds me it is there. For anyone who has ever had a mild sunburn or an itch from a mosquito, you just want it to stop and go away. That is what I hope for my anxiety. Like the brilliant voice of Chester Bennington belts out. I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real!

As the title of my blog site is Ruminator, the following lyric from this same song also struck an impressionable chord within me. “Looking everywhere only to find. That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.” A side-effect of my anxiety is to predict the future and relive past moments. To predict potential outcomes for future experiences and imagine how the narrative might have changed if I had made a different choice.

Through my continued work with Dr. Erin, my trial and error of medication for anxiety with Alan Hightower, and the support of my wife and friends, maybe I can finally get the rest I have needed for decades.

This may not be your type of music, but I simply request to take 3 minutes and 45 seconds out of your day to watch this video. Chester (one of my 3 favorite singers of all time) is the guy wearing glasses. 


Somewhere I Belong video


Lyrics to the entire song:

When this began
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind

But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain ‘til it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

What do I have but negativity
‘Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain ‘til it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything ‘til I break away from me
I will break away, I’ll find myself today

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain ‘til it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real

I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
(I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m)
Somewhere I belong
(I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m)
Somewhere I belong

Somewhere I belong

Until next time,

Tim

Comments

Post a Comment

Love to get your feedback on what you read!

Popular posts from this blog

Rocky Ridge/Breeden Ridge Trail

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography Today I met my buddy Mark at O’ Bannon Woods State Park for a hike.  In this Coronavirus terrifying world, I needed to get out. My week had not been going so well.  I got some surprises at work that changed how future projects will go for me and I was bombarded by daily messages of doom about the Corona Virus.  I was looking forward to the weekend because I had two hikes planned.  This is the only one that happened. After a two day headache (Friday and Saturday) I was able to get out and hike.  I met Mark at the campground in O’ Bannon Woods and we set off on the Rocky Ridge Trail.  This is the trail we had planned on hiking a few weekends ago but it ended quickly when the forecasted 30% of rain became 100% sleet. The trail this time was still muddy but as I could tell by the campground area we would be alone.  As my boots slushed through the mud I watched from behind as Mark often caught a tree root or rock with the toe of his boot, sending...
Post a Comment
Read more

I almost died - Adventure Hiking Trail.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography (https://www.instagram.com/timothybme/) This morning I was able to cross off a mini-bucket list item.  I have always wanted to hike on the Adventure Hiking Trail (AHT) and today I achieved that with my good friend Mark. We met in the parking lot by the guard shack at the entrance to the park.  We took a moment to greet each other and both of us tried to decide to wear a jacket or not.  Mark loves to drive and since he has a Jeep I was okay with him hauling us to our starting point.  I loaded my gear in his Jeep, climbed in and we headed off. As Mark turned onto Cold Friday Road I felt my excitement level begin to rise as I had been looking forward to this hike for a long time.  The road, though paved was very bumpy and curvy.  It was littered with debris.  Not man-made debris but the kind only Mother Nature could provide.  The Jeep crushed branches, it road over leaves and small rocks, and we seemed to feel every puddle and pothole as we descended the ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nova Scotia - Day 7

Photo by: Tim Bindner October 1 & 2, 2022–Day 6 & 7 Not too many sites were seen on our last two days in Nova Scotia. Reality was setting in. We would be back home soon. On Saturday we woke up, had breakfast, said goodbye to Kermit (6-week-old golden retriever), loaded up the car, turned in the keys and began the drive east on Highway 1. Our destination was The Fourth Lock . This was a small bed-and-breakfast with a restaurant attached. Our drive took us through small towns like Bear River, Annapolis Royal, and Bridgetown. We then merged onto Highway 101, heading toward Fall River. Our B&B was not opened when we arrived, but the restaurant staff called the owner, then got us the code to get in and he showed us our room. Small room with a bed only 12 inches off the floor, no a/c, small refrigerator with glass bottles of water inside, and a very nice washroom and shower. We waited around until 4pm, then headed downstairs for dinner. After eating, we walked back up to the room...
Post a Comment
Read more