Ruminator

This week, I experienced a delightful surprise, a deep sense of honor, and a profound feeling of humility. A simple email from a friend set everything in motion. My recent post titled END was a short post which included a picture I took recently while at Churchill Downs racetrack. After the post went out, I will on rare occasions get feedback from a select few people. My friend Al rarely comments, but regarding this post he simply put “ That is a great photo. ” Al is a jokester, so I had to clarify if he was serious or joking. He was not joking. The email switched to text where he told me how he admired the shot and asked if he could get a copy to be printed on canvas for his home office. This is where honor and humility come in. I have sold prints to my friends Tesa, Tricia, Amanda, Laurie, Kim, Erin and even a family friend Sister Rose. Dr. Erin, my cousin Micki, and my mother-in-law also have my work hanging in their homes. I have even had friends like Troy inquire about futu...

I don't worry about the world ending.  It has ended for me many times and always started the next morning. Until next time  Tim

  Music is so powerful. It is an integral part of my life. It often helps me express my feelings that I cannot do otherwise in any form. Yesterday this happened to me once again. I drove to Curby, Indiana for my massage. It is a nice smooth drive west on interstate 64 to exit 92. With the temperature in the upper 70s and the sun shining brightly, I had all four windows down and my sunroof open. Cruising at 78mph, my playlist on shuffle and the radio turned up. We have all done this. I arrived at my massage location and as it begun, my massage therapist referenced my latest post tiled 3am . She, however, had a different take on it. She mentioned that she had read waking up at 3am consistently was because of anxiety or anger, not creativity. The CALM app states, “ The mind has a funny way of kicking into overdrive just when you need rest the most. Stress and anxiety can activate your body’s “fight or flight” response, making it hard to stay asleep . ” For me, waking up at 3am h...

  I once read that 3am is the hour for writers, painters, poets, over-thinkers, silent seekers, and creative people. I am not sure if that is the truth, but I know 3am seems to be the waking hour for me. For years now, I have not slept well. My mind races, and I often wake up with thoughts. Some are insignificant, like remembering to take the trash out, while others are much heavier about questioning if I am good enough for Marcie or will I ever be able to afford to retire. Based on what I listed above, I fall into the writer, creative, but more likely the over-thinker category. These breaks in my sleep can vary from a nuisance, where I quickly resume my sleep, to hours laying there trying to work out solutions to my quandary. I cannot control what things pop in my mind at 3am, but I am challenged with changing my thinking, especially if the multiple solutions are negative. It will not be easy, but I hope I can conquer and eliminate this pattern. One other thing I have noti...

Friday, I saw Dr. Erin. We discussed how I was feeling. How was my return to work? And finally the conversation dipped into my current anxieties. As I had mentioned to her, my boss took away the job duties that had been causing me a great deal of stress. They have trained two more individuals, resulting in five people assigned to these tasks. During the two weeks around Christmas, I was the only one doing this work. I am now tasked with writing up the process for that task within a very short timeline. Something I complained about for months now. Starting last week, the situation became an emergency, leaving me with a tight timeline to finish the process. However, I have no qualms about undertaking the task as it falls under my job description. Next, we dove into what things were still causing me anxiety. I had an honest conversation with her about how I feel a bit trapped now with two new dogs, and the anxiety I have with leaving them. This is something I experienced with both Cop...

  March 27, 2024, I returned to a familiar trail. Well sort of. I recently wrote about getting lost on a trail due to the incorrect posts being marked. I wanted to revisit that are and take a different trail. Originally, I parked at post 208 (which should have been 205). After reporting this, it was now corrected. I began my hike on this 36-degree cool morning. I made my way from the parking lot, down the short trail and up the logging road. This time I passed the Louden trail marked by marker 204 and continued up the logging road. Quickly things got very quiet and peaceful. The path was easy defined and the gravel underneath my boots crunched as my weight pressed down on the road. The noise became rhythmic and soon the sound was lost as my mind began to work through issues. I gazed in the forests to both the left and right of me, and knew I was alone and far from anyone. Like before I was following blazes to ensure I was on the correct route. Today it was green. ...

Today I returned to work for the first time since February 15. I was nervous and not sure what to expect. I learned of a few surprises and some changes.  This week, my boss ordered me to work from 8am-12pm. I had 6 weeks off to clear my head and focus on my future. With help from Dr. Erin, a new medication and time away, I returned with a new perspective. One that focuses on me and my health, rather than on doing whatever I needed to do for the company.   I learned today that the primary task that sent me over the edge was now no longer part of my duties. Well, in a daily sense. I would help create improvements. I was hired to create improvements in the process, not perform it daily.   I received news that one of my favorite coworkers had departed to pursue his true passion, leaving a bittersweet feeling in the air. My director announced she is also leaving but is committed to staying until her replacement is hired.   As soon as I returned, I was confr...