A new challenge

Friday, I saw Dr. Erin. We discussed how I was feeling. How was my return to work? And finally the conversation dipped into my current anxieties.

As I had mentioned to her, my boss took away the job duties that had been causing me a great deal of stress. They have trained two more individuals, resulting in five people assigned to these tasks. During the two weeks around Christmas, I was the only one doing this work. I am now tasked with writing up the process for that task within a very short timeline. Something I complained about for months now. Starting last week, the situation became an emergency, leaving me with a tight timeline to finish the process. However, I have no qualms about undertaking the task as it falls under my job description.

Next, we dove into what things were still causing me anxiety. I had an honest conversation with her about how I feel a bit trapped now with two new dogs, and the anxiety I have with leaving them. This is something I experienced with both Copper and Kota, which is why I never took vacations, or at least vacations where both Marcie and I were gone.

Erin challenged me to fight that internal voice and consider taking some smaller trips or even trips with the dog (something Marcie has already explored). She even suggested taking a trip with Mark somewhere (again, something Marcie had already suggested as well).

I told Mark of Erin’s suggestion, and he told me he would “pencil me in.” and said, “let me think about it”. Continuing that path, I have signed up for a three-hour tour of Churchill Downs on Friday. The photography workshop will take us to exclusive areas, accessible only to horse owners, trainers, and workers.

Experience details:
You are permitted to bring up to two interchangeable lens cameras and one small back pack. Monopods are permitted, no tripods. This is a special allowance for our tour as interchangeable lens cameras are not allowed on the backside without a press pass.

I am seeing Dr. Erin this day as well, so I will have to share my experience with her and how it affected my anxiety. There are 15 others going (as of now), and I hope that I have enough freedom to explore and shoot as I like. I am not a fan of following the herd or the crowd.

On Saturday I attended my first cousin once removed wedding. This was a big step for me as over the years I have avoided funerals, weddings, and even holiday get-togethers. The main reason is the social awkwardness I feel around strangers (and yes, family is often strangers to me). My attendance at my first cousin’s daughter’s wedding was solely driven by the deep love and bond I share with her. This also tested my anxiety as well. Kraven stayed at home while I arranged for a teenage neighbor to come by and let him out twice. As for Sorine, I arranged for her to stay at Marcie’s parents’ house, where her sister took care of her. Sorine was the most anxiety for me, as her sister has a long line of making poor decisions, but there was solace knowing her parents were there as well.

During the Catholic mass, the priest mentioned that Elana and Jack (couple) both were comfortable in their skin. This got me thinking, of course. I am not sure I am. So many people I meet are confident, self-assured, and display high self-esteem. In contrast, I don’t feel the same way.

Sitting in church, a place I hadn’t visited since my mom passed away, memories of the bullying I endured from classmates, fellow swimmers, supposed friends, and even my mother flooded my mind. It has shaped me into a grown man with diminished self-worth and a pervasive sense of insecurity in multiple aspects of my existence.  

I understand why I am a loner - the silence and solitude bring me a sense of peace. I enjoy doing things on my own because it gives me a sense of independence and self-reliance. The overwhelming presence of crowds and the phoniness of small talk are two things I detest. Being the center of attention is something I despise, especially when unfamiliar people pry into personal details about me.

The best vacation I have ever had was with Marcie. It was our trip to Colorado. We had no pressure to worry about animals at home; we had a loose agenda that involved exploring (especially non-tourist spots), and there were little to no crowds. Our trip to Wyoming a few years before that was the same.

For now, it does not seem like a real possibility for me to mentally return to a place where I feel comfortable taking trips with her, without worrying about Kraven and Sorine. It remains to be seen if I can meet this challenge or not, as time unfolds.

“I am not looking to escape the darkness. I am learning to love myself there.”–Rune Lazuri

Do not tell me I will be okay until you have seen the monsters I battle every time the sun goes down.

Until next time,

Tim