"Not everyone can see the beauty" - Poem

Photo by: Tim Bindner

I recently sold a photographic print. The subject from my last blog post titled ‘2 versions’. The same person has bought prints from me before and loved the dark version and wanted to purchase a print of it. They even dubbed it “a masterpiece” and “priceless”.

I shared the news with some friends of my sale, and one friend stated “you are talented” to which a snarky replied, “I point the camera and push the button. Camera does all the hard stuff”. Her rebuttal floored me. “Not everyone can see the beauty and knows what to capture”. Such a simple and kind statement, but it took me aback. It also got me thinking.

The reason I got into photography was to slow things down. Mainly slow down my brain. To focus (yes, it’s a pun) on something and capture (or try to) what I was seeing and feeling at that moment. Dr. Erin and my friend Mark asked if the ‘dark’ edit was coming from a place of darkness or a reflection of the major medical issue I had that day. The edit did not. I explained to Erin that I didn’t realize the original picture was taken on the day of my heart attack until I looked up the date while trying to find the original photograph to edit. In my mind, I already knew how I wanted to edit the photo, so my life-changing day had no bearing on that, other than it was the day I took the shot. At least not consciously.

“Not everyone can see the beauty…”  “And knows what to capture”. Why do I have this ability? I don’t feel I do or even know if I do. I truly only know what I like and often capture it with my camera. Most photographers, like me, train their eyes through practice to ‘see’ things. To get a feel for things and notice things. Ultimately, to capture things. Creatives or artists do this all the time. I cannot draw, I cannot play an instrument, I cannot sculpt, I cannot paint. I can take photographs and I can write. It comes from practice, trial, and error, and often luck.

Through introspection, I have discovered that I look for beauty in the surrounding world. I deeply appreciate nature, the woods, and animals. There is always a yearning to be in the woods and my spirit draws energy from there. I am more alive than I am anywhere else while in nature. My senses become hyper-focused. I am at peace, and I guess I see things more clearly.

Finally, I seek beauty because of the darkness that lives within me. As chronicled in many blog posts, I have fought off depression (and still do), battled abuse, and dealt with loss. I struggle with confidence, often have low self-esteem and/or a poor self-image, and struggle to fight these and other demons within me. I grew up with the belief that I should prioritize my flaws and concerns rather than recognizing my accomplishments.

I used that belief to impair my outlook on life, on others, on myself. Therefore, I struggle with compliments why I never can say or feel good enough. Why do I feel my photography is average at best?

Photography is an outlet. Writing is an outlet. Hiking is an outlet. I have little trust in humanity. However, in nature, though it is often dangerous, I am at ease. I have trained my eye to look for those simple things that bring me joy. It might be a bird flying high above, a decaying leaf on the ground, or rays of sunshine lighting up a bench in the woods. Often, I cannot explain what I see that catches my eye. Even more often (as many photographers will tell you) I cannot capture the true essence of what I see in that moment. For me, that is the challenge and the joy of photography.

A wonderful side effect is if others like my pictures. That minor act of kindness keeps that demon of self-doubt at bay living deep inside me, for at least a moment. I fight these demons every day.

Here is my attempt at a poem I call DEMONS:

Demons within.

Their whispers, I hear.

They whisper doubt and whisper fear.

Demons are inside.

A raging storm.

They twist my mind and keep me warm.

They whisper lies and plant the seeds.

Of fear and doubt and very dark deeds.

But I am strong, I will not yield.

My light within, and my inner flame.

To cleanse my soul and heal my name.

Demons inside, I will not fear.

I will face you because my soul is clear.

I will rise above, with my camera in hand.

I will show life’s beauty as I take a stand.

Until next time,

Tim