Skip to main content

Another trip

Photo by: Tim Bindner

As I completed another trip around the sun this week, my mind wonders about places, ideas, and thoughts that I don’t enjoy having. I have never liked attention. Even with something as small as my birthday. I don’t advertise the day on social media and respond with a simple thanks to whoever recognizes the day. I also struggle as my son’s birthday is right after mine. I am always happy for him, but many of the thoughts bouncing around in my head I also portray onto him internally.

A day that most people celebrate, I reflect. I reflect on my life choices (good and bad); I think of the what ifs, and I think of what is possibly ahead. As my wife told me this week, “you are an overthinker. You need to quit overthinking everything.” I wish it was that simple. I’d love to shut it off, but I can’t.

As with many of my posts, there will be people coming back to me with advice based on their own way of thinking and own experiences. Some of these folks will be older, others younger, but none of them live in my head full-time. They are taking up residence there from time to time, but I am the permanent tenant.

A friend sent me a quote the other day that, of course, got me thinking. “We take photos as a return ticket to a moment, otherwise gone.” She sent this to me because I am a photographer, and I absolutely love and agree with the quote, but it struck a nerve with me. I do often take photos, but I also produce memories. An overthinker rewinds those memories over and over in their head. Reliving each moment and trying to figure out if a different choice would have changed my life. This uncontrollable exercise runs through memories of relationships with people, career choices, education choices, and even family decisions. I am happy with the way my life has turned out, but like the butterfly effect, if I had chosen one thing differently, who knows the effects on how my life is now would be?

With anxiety and overthinking, I love the familiar. It is why I watch the same movies over and over. Why my music choices are the same? Why do I eat at the same places? Heck, because I even go to bed and wake up around the same time daily. Routine makes things like my mind and causes less anxiety.

None of know what the future holds. I am trying to live each day the best I can for myself, my wife, and my son, but there are always those demons inside that try to snake in the what ifs that cause me to lose sleep at night.

Until next time,

Tim

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Love to get your feedback on what you read!

Popular posts from this blog

Nobody's Listening

  I recently had conversations with two people I know that had experienced a sudden rash of acute anxiety. One was medication related, the other was situational. Both stated that they now had a better understanding of what I have been dealing with. With the recent changes to my medication, Although I still feel anxiety, it no longer takes control of my emotions like it did in the past. However, I know acutely that it still lurks on the fringes, patiently awaiting its chance to pounce on me. During my recent visit to Dr. Erin, she assigned me an exercise where I had to jot down three things each day that I felt I excelled at. This is proving to be difficult for me. The parameters are straightforward and easy to understand. “Anything I do well that day,” she said. As I continued with this exercise, I began thinking of a song by Linkin Par called Nobody’s Listening. I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress Handful of anger held in my chest And everything left’s a wast...
Post a Comment
Read more

Rumination

  I've found myself stuck in a loop lately. It's like my mind is on a hamster wheel, endlessly circling the same thoughts. I can't seem to shake them. It's exhausting. I've been there. That place where thoughts loop around and around, like a broken record stuck on the same groove. It's like my mind is a haunted house, and these persistent thoughts are the ghosts haunting me. I'll be thinking about something, maybe a conversation I had earlier in the day, and then suddenly, I'm spiraling. I'm replaying every word, every gesture, analyzing every detail. It's like a broken record, playing the same tune repeatedly. It's not just conversations, either. I can ruminate about my to-do list, my relationships, or even the weather. It's as if my brain is determined to find a problem, no matter how small. Rumination, as it's called, can be a real drain. It's like trying to go against the flow of a strong current. No matter how hard I ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Waiting for the End to Come

  I have been in a funk lately. I am adjusting to my anxiety medicine, and I feel it is working, but maybe too well. Last week I met with Dr. Erin. She, of course, asked me how I was feeling and honestly, I told her I was not really feeling anything. We dug deeper, and she explained that my anxiety prior to the medicine was like a roller coaster. I had extreme highs and extreme lows. Now with the medicine it is more of a flatter track. I am not hitting the lows; Like I was before (which is good), but also not hitting the highs either. I feel like I am purely existing. Little desire to do much of anything. It’s true my passions are hiking and photography, which I do little of in the summer because of ticks, heat, and snakes. I know fall is approaching and I hope that helps me get out of this funk somewhat. I will also speak to my psychiatrist about lowering my dosage to see if that helps. Even my writing has been affected. I have not had the desire to write. Music, however, ha...
Post a Comment
Read more