Another trip

Photo by: Tim Bindner

As I completed another trip around the sun this week, my mind wonders about places, ideas, and thoughts that I don’t enjoy having. I have never liked attention. Even with something as small as my birthday. I don’t advertise the day on social media and respond with a simple thanks to whoever recognizes the day. I also struggle as my son’s birthday is right after mine. I am always happy for him, but many of the thoughts bouncing around in my head I also portray onto him internally.

A day that most people celebrate, I reflect. I reflect on my life choices (good and bad); I think of the what ifs, and I think of what is possibly ahead. As my wife told me this week, “you are an overthinker. You need to quit overthinking everything.” I wish it was that simple. I’d love to shut it off, but I can’t.

As with many of my posts, there will be people coming back to me with advice based on their own way of thinking and own experiences. Some of these folks will be older, others younger, but none of them live in my head full-time. They are taking up residence there from time to time, but I am the permanent tenant.

A friend sent me a quote the other day that, of course, got me thinking. “We take photos as a return ticket to a moment, otherwise gone.” She sent this to me because I am a photographer, and I absolutely love and agree with the quote, but it struck a nerve with me. I do often take photos, but I also produce memories. An overthinker rewinds those memories over and over in their head. Reliving each moment and trying to figure out if a different choice would have changed my life. This uncontrollable exercise runs through memories of relationships with people, career choices, education choices, and even family decisions. I am happy with the way my life has turned out, but like the butterfly effect, if I had chosen one thing differently, who knows the effects on how my life is now would be?

With anxiety and overthinking, I love the familiar. It is why I watch the same movies over and over. Why my music choices are the same? Why do I eat at the same places? Heck, because I even go to bed and wake up around the same time daily. Routine makes things like my mind and causes less anxiety.

None of know what the future holds. I am trying to live each day the best I can for myself, my wife, and my son, but there are always those demons inside that try to snake in the what ifs that cause me to lose sleep at night.

Until next time,

Tim