By Myself !

Photo by: Tim Bindner

I just returned from Dr. Erin’s office today and as usual I feel better than when I went in. We discussed various things going on with me, but one topic I really was interested to get her perspective on.

Anyone who has followed my posts, or knows me in the slightest, knows I love music. I attach things to music. Experiences, feelings, emotions, and thoughts. If I hear a song that I have attached to one of these topics, I could with almost 100% accuracy tell you where I was, how I was feeling, or what I thought that caused my brain to attach that song to that experience.

As I sat home today watching the rain fall outside, I popped on some music. One of my favorite bands played. I was in a bit of a somber mood, and in that case, I began listening to the lyrics. I once read or heard that “when you are happy you listen to the music, but when you are sad you listen to the lyrics.”

I would not say I was sad, but more introspective today, and thus I was listening to the lyrics. So, Linkin Park came on and I dove into their lyrics. I even printed them to take to her on my visit. They are a progressive group that has some powerful, yet dark, messages in their lyrics.

As I handed her the papers, I asked her, why did listening to these types of songs make me feel better? They are not happy; they are not joyful, but whatever mood I am in these songs brings me back to a happy/calm place. Her response was as expected. “Why do you think they do?”

I thought about it for a moment while she read out loud the passage below from the song Easier To Run by Linkin Park:

It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
A secret I’ve kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they’ve played

If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would

She then read another passage from By Myself by Linkin Park:

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?

Do I sit here and try to stand it,
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

Because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again by myself

She commented, “They are poets. I will need to check them out.” We concluded I empathize with these artists and song lyrics. There is a sense of comfort knowing there are others out there battling demons like me. Maybe not as fierce as the writers of these songs, but demons none the less.

Erin read another passage from One Step Closer by Linkin Park:

I find the answers aren’t so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again

Just like before

She again marveled at the poetry of the song and said I mainly work with teenagers. This may help them.

Ironically enough, the lead singer of Linkin Park hung himself a few years ago. He said in an interview once “the scariest place is in between my temples.” His demons got the best of him, but his voice, his lyrics, and his poetry have helped to save me on countless occasions.

Until next time.

Tim