I'm on a highway to ...

Photo by: Tim Bindner

It has been a week today since I had my heart attack. No one has told me exactly when I had it, but my assumption was it was Thanksgiving morning while hiking. One week later, I have had time to process what has happened, remember what I went through, and have been really touched by those who have reached out to me.

Music is important in my life. I listen to it constantly and I have a song tied to every experience and emotion I have felt during that experience. The song for this experience was not chosen by me, but I feel the story behind it is quite funny and I should share it.

As mentioned, I had a heart catheterization (Cath). During the process I was taken to a surgical room, transferred to a table, strapped down, had a heart monitor hooked up, was given relaxation meds through my IV, and finally the worse part was given an injection in my wrist that burned and numbed my wrist.

As to not gross anyone out, I will move on. Lying there, I was asked questions by the nurse/surgical techs such as “do you smoke”? A question every single nurse, doctor, and CNA asked me. I was asked to verify my name and date of birth and finally asked. “So, tell me about this hike you took before you went to the ER”. Once things were finished, the cardiologist was called in and he introduced himself, but I could not see his face. He asked if it was okay if they played music and asked what kind I liked. I said, “anything but country”, and he asked if “80’s rock was okay”? I affirmed, and the music began.

The irony of the music was what I wanted to mention. It was a play list from one of the nurses’ phone, through a streaming app. I found this out later because she, at one point, left the room and the music cut in and out. I recall the following songs. Smells Like Teen Spirit–Nirvana, Don’t Stop Believing–Journey (which made me smirk). Then the humor kicked in. Stairway To Heaven–Led Zeppelin came on and I heard the nurse say, “uh skip this”. Then a few songs later, Highway to Hell–AC/DC came on upon which I heard her say “yeah, I don’t think this is an appropriate song!” to which I laughed, and they laughed back at me. So, my experience and memory of this event will forever be tied to “I’m on a highway to hell.”

I want to close by saying I am truly touched by the people who have reached out to me. Some I expected to, yet others were a complete surprise. Ironically, it does this old heart good to know I have people who care for me and will tell me that. I get daily text from Shawn, Mark, Amanda, and Phil. I have had a deep conversation with Troy, Sister Rose, and a surprise call from Holly, who I worked on a project with but really didn’t know that well. Mo, a contractor for Humana, also sent me a long text sharing her concern and wishing me well. Kim from a local camera store also reached out with some meaningful words. Miranda provided her wisdom and thoughts on my post and situation. I have heard from my sister, my cousin Mickie, and again my father-in-law checks on me (biggest surprise of all). Al, Shawn, Mark, my sister, Tesa, Amanda and Phil kept checking on Marcie while I was in the hospital. I am a lucky man for sure to have people that care so much for me.

I read today that a 53-year-old fitness trainer of many celebrities died on Thanksgiving Day. No reason was given, but this guy (Eric Fleishman) was in better shape than I will ever be, but God took him over me last Thursday. Humbling for sure.

One of my favorite songs from the group, Pearl Jam, is called ALIVE. The following lyrics are a part of the song, and premise of the song is about the lead singer Eddie Vedder finding out at age 13 that his biological father was dying and that the man living with him for his entire life was not actually his biological father. His mother lied to him about who his stepfather was. Upon his mom breaking the news to Eddie about his actual father who was in fact dying, Eddie was inspired to write a song about that experience he had at age 13. “Is something wrong, she said? Well, of course there is. You’re still alive, she said. Oh, and do I deserve to be? Is that the question? And if so… if so… who answers… who answers…?”

Eddie’s situation differs completely from my own recent experience, but one line from above causes me to ask myself that question a few times since last Thursday. If I should be alive and “do I deserve to be?” It was not my choice, but God’s. He has a purpose for me. I am not sure what it is, but it was not my time to die. I am sure many reading this post will call or text and tell me my purpose, but only God knows what it is, and it is my job to figure that out.

Every moment I have, I appreciate it. I was told by someone that I always seem to appreciate things, especially the small stuff, but this experience has taught me to look even deeper at things. For example. I took the trash out this past Tuesday morning. It was early and still dark out. As I was walking back to my door, I stopped. Closed my eyes. Felt the cool breeze on my face, took a long slow breath and savored that moment. As I opened my eyes, the sun was coming up and the skies, full of low-hanging clouds, blanketed in bright red, yellow and orange. I stood there for a few minutes and thanked God for another day, then returned to the warmth of my home. This was a simple chore I had done hundreds of times, but today was different. Today was special. Today was a gift that I might not have had.

When is the last time you stared at a sunrise or sunset? Might want to consider doing so. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow.

I appreciate my friends, my family, my life. I am going to let go of those petty things that used to bother me dissipate. Life is too short. Other’s problems are not mine. I control what I can and live my life. I am ALIVE!

Until next time,

Tim