Am I good enough?

I recently had a visit to my psychologist where we discussed my continuous anxiety, but she dug deeper, and I believe may have pinpointed a major source of that anxiety. This is what I want to discuss today.

If you are a regular reader to my blog, you know anxiety is woven into the fabric of my being. I live with it daily. Sometimes I can control it, other times it can be overwhelming. As she asked me about what things cause me anxiety, she suggested looking at the positives in each situation and to not ruminate on the negative. We discussed various subjects that cause my anxiety when she looked at me and asked a simple question. “Do you think all this anxiety stems from you feeling as you are not good enough?” Like a hit to the gut, this got my wheels turning. I think she has started a journey for me with that statement.

I do not feel I am good enough in four areas. Son, husband, father, and friend are these categories.

I have written often about my mom and how she would compare me to friends, cousins, and classmates. She would boast about their achievements, their kids, what schools they were attending (after high school), how smart they are, and often how successful they are. These comparisons went on in grade school, high school, college, and in my professional life. It took me years to realize what she was doing and decades to realize the mental damage this has caused me. I am doing better at not giving a crap about those I was compared to, and in fact, since my mom has passed, I no longer hear those comparisons. However, I do internally still hear and feel those when I meet certain people from my past.

As a husband, I feel I am never good enough for my wife. She has never said that to me, or even hinted that. It is just based on my fragile psyche. How I was raised. I know I am not alone. Especially as a man. We try so hard to be the best lovers, providers, partners, and fixers that we often fail or feel like failures. My marriage has lasted 22 years. She has been my best friend, partner, and lover. Not to mention the mother of my son. We have been through great times and lean times, but I always question if I could do more. Could I do better?

As a father, I struggle as well. I try to mentor my son as I raised him. To not make those same mistakes that cause my insecurity and lack of self-esteem, but like being a husband, I feel I didn’t do as well as I should. My son and I are not very close. He calls occasionally (usually for advice on something he needs), and I have to say things are better since he moved out on his own, but I feel the bond he has with his grandfather is the one we should have had. He is 19 years old and still a kid as far as development. My hope is we will grow closer as he ages and finds his way in the world. He is a good kid, and we instilled noble qualities within him, but again I feel I could have done much better.

Finally, my friends. I do not have many, what I would categorize as close friends, but those that I do, again I feel I don’t provide them with the friendship I should. I have always been a good listener, but I take on problems of others, especially friends, and then am quick to jump in with solutions. As I am an overthinker, I am listening and planning a response before they even finish what they are telling me. I hear them, but I need to listen. This is a challenge for me because I always want to help and solve problems. I am trying to slow my mind down, have a genuine interest in my friends, and just listen. This is a struggle, but something I think I can eventually do.

I have low self-esteem and many insecurities about myself. I have troubles accepting complements because I hear a distinct voice in my head counteracting those. My blog, my photography, heck, even things at work, I cannot accept praise, because I do not feel I am good enough or did good enough.

I have been judged from an early age by my mom, and later by classmates and ‘friends’. I know everyone feels they are not good enough from time to time, but after a lifelong sermon of hearing this, I am trying to change my mind. But those demons always seem to resurface. An abused animal may eventually get away from their abusers and even find a loving family, but a raised hand/voice can send them back into that scared creature they once were easily.

As Brittany Burgunder once wrote, “No one knows your truth but you. If you’re secure in yourself, no one and no (thing) can touch you.” Something I strive to believe.

I have much more to dig into with Dr. Erin, but I am hoping I can get to where I believe “I am enough”. I can say those words but believing them is a whole other thing.

Until next time,

Tim (Kilmer)