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Final wishes

Photo by: Tim Bindner

Recently, my wife lost her grandmother on her dad’s side and her uncle on her mother’s side. Both services had similarities and differences. It got me thinking about my mortality and wishes upon my death.

I have written about part of this already in a post called upon my death, but I wanted to expand on this a bit.

If you read the blog linked above, you will see I am donating my body to a medical school, where they will use me for research and then cremate me and return my ashes to Marcie or Gavin (whoever is left). None of that is changing. What happens after that is something I have talked to my wife about, but want to share here and explain my reasoning for that.

In most parts of the world, death is celebrated and not mourned. Death is talked about, planned, and not a taboo subject. In America, it is almost the opposite. At a minimum, nothing is done or discussed with family or friends, scrambling around after a death occurs. At best, the burial, funeral, or headstone, is prepaid and maybe some arrangements are made.

I will be cremated and hopefully Gavin will spread my ashes (or some of them) at one of my favorite places I have visited (read above). Between the cremation and him, receiving the ashes to spread, what do I want?

I do not want a mass. I do not want a viewing. I do not want a formal funeral. I do not want any type of service, memorial or visitation. I have been to so many of these things in my lifetime and it is always uncomfortable. People never know what to say, and often people that show up have not seen the dead person in a long time. Sometimes in decades. I feel most people go out of obligation.

I hope to have a headstone prepared and prepaid for soon. I will probably write my obituary, and in that obituary, I will mention where my headstone will be placed and anyone who wants to come say goodbye can do so there. Not an official gathering like a funeral, but on people’s own timeline. No pressure to dress up, go say “I’m so sorry” to Marcie, Gavin, or my sister, and no awkward waiting around deciding when is a safe time to leave.

I do not discourage anyone reaching out to Gavin, Marcie or my sister after my passing, but like visiting my headstone I want people only to do that out of want, not obligation.

These are my wishes. Hopefully, they will not have to be carried out for many, many years.

Until next time,

Tim (Kilmer)

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