Anger vs. disapointment

Photo by: Tim Bindner

Are you angry or just disappointed? Do you know the difference?

As humans, we automatically fall to basic emotions when something happens. If something does not happen as you expected, most of us become angry about it. If you expect an outcome and it does not go the way you expected, most people get upset or angry about it.

Let’s think about this for a second. If the outcome is not what you expected but still a viable outcome that is legitimate, then that is disappointment, not anger. If there was, let’s say, unfairness involved that skewed the outcome, then anger is justified.

Why is differentiating this important? As a parent, friend, significant other, etc. you will be more helpful if you understand the true feeling and source of that feeling.

Anger is toxic, disappointment is more rational. When someone is angry, they say, do, and act many times without thinking. It is a basic instinct. These actions usually lead to tension with others, wrong things being said, and stupid choices.

Disappointment lends to more logical thinking. The outcome was not what we desired, but we can think more logically and our actions are more rational.

The million dollar question is how to we keep from getting angry when things don’t go our way. There is no straightforward answer, or right answer. I felt, however, the practice of taking a moment to look at the situation, all the factors that were involved, and possibly how bad that outcome truly was, before reacting to it.

Like anything that we change in for ourselves (eating habits, exercise, meditation, way of thinking) this will only happen and get better with practice. The “take a breath and count to 10” exercise does work, but takes practice to master.

Next time you get angry. Ask yourself, was it an unfairness done to me or was it just an outcome I didn’t expect? Ask yourself also, in an hour, day, week, year, or five years, will it really matter? Finally, will getting angry and saying something, yelling, pounding your fist against the wall change the outcome? The answer is no. It is always no.

We have a world full of angry individuals. Anger because of election results, anger for losing a job, anger because they didn’t win the lottery, anger because Facebook went down for a few hours. None of these are anger, they are disappointment. Learn to distinguish the difference and we all can learn to heal and grow. If we fuel hate and always resort to it, we will slowly kill ourselves.

“Anger solves nothing. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.”

Until next time,

Tim (Kilmer)