I care, or do I?

I will continue to blog, but I have taken my writing a step further and journaled as well. Not quite a typical journal, but one that captures quotes and brief thoughts.

I began carrying around my Bigfoot Pocket Journal (laugh if you want). I have a Zebra F-701 pen tucked in a sleeve and the journal itself zipped up neatly within a Lochby Pocket Journal case.

Inside I write quotes, brief thoughts and saying I either remember reading or maybe made up in my head. Sometimes the lines between what I read, remember or create get blurred. If I can remember who wrote it, I note that in the journal.

Why do I do this? I am unsure. I think when things strike as meaningful or appropriate for how I am feeling; I jot them down. What’s the point? For me, I think it is simply cathartic. Like these blogs, I can read back on them to see how I was feeling at a certain moment.

This week I was sitting in a parking lot at the hospital waiting for test results. The rain was pouring down, and I jotted down some things in my journal that were on my mind.

I have a tendency to reach out to ‘friends’ via text or actual phone calls and only a few actually respond. It got me thinking about why I always have to be the initiator and reach out. While listening to the rain on the sunroof and windshield, I thought of two things.

First, one of the hardest pills I had to swallow was realizing I meant little or nothing to those that meant the world to me. And next was, no one is too busy. It is a matter of priority.

I think both go hand in hand. I am far from perfect, but I always make time for those that are close to my heart and I call friends. On these reach outs to my friends, the same people answer my calls and text, whereas the others always don’t answer or respond.

We all have jobs, kids, spouses or some combination of all of those things, but does friendship rank above or below those things? Where does it fit in?

Our fast food culture has taught us as a society to run, run, run and be constantly busy. What it failed to teach us the simple pleasure of a quick conversation with someone. To check on how they are doing and actually listen to their response.

I have learned who is too busy for me. I provide answers like ‘I’m fine.’ when they ask because I know deep down they don’t have the time or energy to truly care how I am at that moment.

I often spoke of circles of friends. I know many people, but there are a tiny few that are in my inner circle. Those who respond when I text or call, or actually reach out to me first, are in that group.

I challenge each of you to think hard about who your friends truly are. Can you text or call them and will they respond or, better yet, drop everything if you need them? If the answer is no, in my book, that is not a genuine friend.

I will leave you with one more thing from my journal, which I believe makes me such a vulnerable person to others. That’s my problem: I think too much, and I feel too deeply. What a dangerous combo.

Until next time,

Tim (Kilmer)