Echoist

Photo by: Tim Bindner

I struggled with writing this post today for many reasons. You will understand why by the time I am done. I have learned some things about myself by doing research and also with the help of Dr. Erin.

I am the type of person who loves to research. I never decide until I have done the research. Whether it is buying something, going on vacation, or even the scary topic of politics. I read, learn and listen, then decide.

I also research my beliefs, personality traits and the logic behind my thinking. I always question that and I am trying to figure out the why I think and believe the way I do, and who I am.

My recent visit with Dr. Erin got me thinking about many of the traits that make me who I am. I also feel I frustrate those around me. I want to know why, so I researched.

Most people have heard of narcissism. The traits involve things like; lack of empathy for others, inflated sense of importance, deep needs for excessive attention and admiration, self-importance, the belief they are unique, fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love. I know people with these traits and many I call friends, coworkers and family. More on that soon.

I fall dangerously close to the categorization of an Echoist. An Echoist has traits like; fear praise, actively reject attention, make efforts to avoid burdening others, focus on meeting the needs of others before themselves, believe expressing opinions or needs may lead to a loss of love, take on a lot of self-blame and criticize themselves regularly, have high empathy, and detracting from a sense of self. An Echoist is the opposite of a Narcissist and most times drawn to them because of a natural attraction as opposites.

I am always thinking. Always. I have opinions, judgements, bias and beliefs, but I suppress these in normal daily conversations in fear of looking bad or being judged. One reason writing is so helpful to me. With writing I am allowed an opportunity to express myself without the immediate unpleasantness of being judged, rejected or have attention drawn to me.

I have received feedback, in the past, on some of my blogs with accusations that I am whining, and in fact I am wondering if you while reading this, are thinking the same thing? That is a thought process I am trying to change.

I am learning to identify both narcissistic tendencies in others and the instinctual echoist tendencies in myself. I cannot change others, but I can change how I deal with and approach situations when I feel the need to put others first and myself last.

Narcissism is so prevalent in everyday life. On social media, in the news, in magazines, movies and music. We have an entire world of “look at me” and are bombarded by it all day. Every day. Sometimes it is obvious, other times not so much.

When my Mom passed away last year, I had many people reach out and tell me they were sorry. Empathy. Great. Then many of them carried on to tell me about their mother who had passed or someone else they knew who had passed and how it impacted them. Narcissism. They turned my Mom’s death into something about them. I know they were trying to relate and show empathy but the conversation turned to about them, not me, or my situation.

I have also had friends on random days ask how I am. When I respond fine, they often follow it by I am working on this or that. I have to do this or that by whenever. Narcissism. You asked about me then launched into an “it’s all about me” tirade.

I like to share my thoughts, feeling and what is going on in my life but only to a point. With my echoist tendencies (as listed above) I dislike to be pushed or guilted into revealing things about me I don’t want to share. Keeping chosen things private or protected lessens my anxiety and helps me to feel protected.

I know people that share everything, and that is okay, but for me I don’t want to be an open book. Again an example of an echoist. As a photographer I take pictures. I see things to shoot every day. Recently I posted pictures in a hospital room, or doctor’s office maybe, of an IV pump and got inquiries from some people. I appreciated the concern, but I continued to be pushed by some. Are you in the hospital? What is wrong? Do you have cancer?

I didn’t reveal the situation other than explaining that assumptions are bad. It might have been me in the hospital, or my wife, or son, or a relative. I might have been getting lab work or in a doctor’s office. I might even had been visiting a friend. I didn’t and don’t want to say where that picture was shot. Again I appreciated the concern, but was not ready to reveal the situation. Remember echoist don’t like attention!

I have “friends” that a career driven which is great. It is when the narcissistic traits show through that I get uneasy. I know someone who has sacrificed relationships (both personal and professional) at the expense of their career. One has had lengthy conversations with me describing the perfect house, perfect job title and even a description of a perfect wife/girlfriend. Narcissism. This person always asked me for advice, and I happily gave it to them, but they mostly did what they wanted anyway (pet peeve of mine).

I strive to get better at being less echoistic but not to the level of narcissism. I will probably always keep things ‘close to the vest’ and share only what I feel necessary. It will drive friends crazy, I am sure, but this is how I think and feel.

I am working on being uncomfortable with praise and complements “Wow! This is an amazing photo!” I don’t see my photography that way but am learning to accept statements like that from others. I will try to reveal more, but set boundaries with things like my health or the health of my family. I will respect others’ views and personalities, especially when they clash with mine. I will strive to quickly identify narcissism and narcissistic behavior and statements and not take the bait by those that practice that (knowingly or unknowingly). Finally, I will pick battles based on my beliefs and not be roped into every little “drama” on social media!

I hope this provides some clarity to who Tim is.

Until next time,

Tim