Good Time, Bad Times

Photo by: Tim Bindner

I have not written in a while because honestly; I am reaching the point of peace. I have identified a few sources of my anxieties and in all those cases I have dealt with them and have them under control. There are still stressors in my life, but they seem more manageable.

So since I last wrote, I have had some things going on. Some good, some bad, but all I could handle. In no random order, here is what I have accomplished;

I received both Covid-19 vaccines; I paid 48% of my principle home loan off; I discovered a $10,000 credit card was opened in my name under USAA Savings Bank; I had a meeting with my therapist; I bought a new camera lens; I completed the photographs and some of the writing for my second book; I have a goal to pay my house off completely in June of this year; I am leaving for a trip with my dear friend Mark in May, and then another trip in July with my wife, I am listening to an audiobook called Greenlights, and I found out this week Prince has an unreleased album that will be released in July.

The three sources I discovered and discussed with my Psychologist, which causes me the most stress and anxiety, are the expectations set forth and expected from my Mom. These have been well documented, so I will not dive into them any further, and since she has passed away, I am learning to overpower those demons within.

Next I have always been a slave to money. Like most people, I hate debt, but debt has always paralyzed me. Through hard work, savings and some help from a small part of my inheritance, the only debt I have left to tackle is my mortgage. That beast will be wiped out as mentioned in June.

Finally, I learn that the falsehood I have associated with “friends” has been very eye opening in the past few months. I am on a quest to find those genuine friends. They may be few, but I am learning to cut through the bull and see people for who they are. We are a narcissistic society. As humans, we all long to be heard as individuals, but society has steered us toward the opposite. To speak and not listen. That my opinion only matters and I will fight for it no matter the consequences. The problem is our culture and not our nature.

I am guilty myself of this, we all are. I jump to a solution even before the problem is out of whoever is speaking to ME’s mouth. I don’t listen, I either try to fix it (part of being a man), or I am quick to share a similar experience, thus changing the conversation from listening to them and making it about me. I am guilty, and I am not alone.

In the past, I was told I was a good listener. That is my newest goal. To find that Tim again. Less talk, much more listening, and offer advice only when asked (the hardest part for me). I rely on feedback from others to justify whatever I need verification for. Therefore, I struggle with decisions. I don’t want to be wrong (thanks Mom for instilling that in me).

I am now on a quest to find genuine friends. Ones that truly care about me, like I care about them. Life is busy with work, family, and a million other commitments, but for me if a friend needs me I will drop everything and be there. Most people say that same thing, but in fact they are lying. I constantly hear “I am sorry, but I was busy doing this or that or whatever”. When I hear that from “friends” it tells me where I fit on their priority list.

I can honestly name 4, maybe 5 people that I trust enough to be dear and true friends. The rest drift in and out of my life, mostly in when they need something from me. I hope this change in me will be accepted by others, but if it is not, that is okay too. I plan to be the true me, whatever the results.

Until next time,

Tim (Kilmer)