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Trying to help a friend

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

I recently spoke to a friend who is currently struggling with her life.  I tried to offer her some advice based on my experiences, but I am not an expert.

My friend called me after I received a text from her saying she was not having a good day.  She was struggling at her job, feeling lonely because her child was getting older and pulling away, she is single, and the recent elections and social media is dragging her down.  She said working from home is something she wanted, but realized she needed to be around people.  She also “thrived in chaos”, but now realizes she struggles when being super-busy.

We have talked a few times since the election, and though she voted differently than I did, we had intelligent and unemotional conversations why we voted for who we did.  A rarity these days.  She knows I have struggled with mental health, and I ensured her I have experienced all the same things she is going through at the moment.  I think it helps to hear she is not the only one feeling this way.

My advice to her was simple, yet takes discipline to do.  Every morning write 3 things you are grateful for.  With the caveat that these are different every day.  Next start writing a journal at night.  Finally, seek help from a professional.

The 3 things she is grateful for helps her begin the day on a pleasant note, not focused on I have to do this or that, go to this meeting, work on this project, etc.  It set your day up for success, not stress and anxiety.

The nightly journal helps you unload your stress and anxiety.  For me, if I write things down, they lose their power a bit.  Thus the reason I have this blog.  I told her to keep this journal and refer back to it when things get better.  Reading about her own journey will help her get back to her normal positive self.  The person who “can pull myself up from anything.”

Finally, as I did, there are professionals who study the mind.  If your car breaks down you find a mechanic, if you are sick you go to the doctor, if your brain is messed up most of us just deal with it.

We spoke about social media.  I decided after speaking to her, to deactivate my Facebook account.  I am tired of the hate (subject for another post).  I am planning to limit my television, especially media, and going to try desperately to read again.  I think I have ADD and have trouble concentrating.

As I have written about in the past, and I advised my friend, everyone needs outlets.  Everyone first has to not only love themselves but be able to be happy with themselves.  I know so many people who cannot function alone.  They depend on someone else, whether it is a child, spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, sister, parent, a pet, or just a good friend.  I told her once you find happiness internally, then you can share that with others.  Depending on others for your happiness will only lead to despair.  Trust me on this, I lived for other’s approval most of my life.

Find what makes you happy.  Do it and do it daily, or as much as possible.  Share it with others, but do it for yourself.  Do WHAT you want, not what society tells you, you are supposed to do.  Be grateful, be kind.  Talk to people without emotions.  Get the facts.  Don’t force your opinions or beliefs on others.  Be well.  These are the steps I am trying to get to for mental peace.  If you are struggling, call me.  I am not an expert, but I have lived in despair and might help from my experiences.

Until next time,

Tim (Kilmer)

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