Skip to main content

Worries for sale

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

The beginning of this week was a bit rough for me.  All the things that have been racing through my mind I think finally caught up to me.

Tuesday morning I woke at 2 am.  My stomach was hurting and I was burping that God awful taste I had the day of my Mom’s visitation and the funeral.  The pure taste of sickness.  I could not sleep so I got up and logged onto work.  I checked emails, paced the floor, and then within an hour was violently throwing up.  Enough to wake my wife up, and her asking if I needed to go to the ER.  I didn’t.

My wife thinks I have an ulcer so I logged on to my doctor’s website, told her what I was experiencing, and she prescribed me some medicine to “coat my stomach”.  I have been much better since that morning.

My mind still races at night and I do not know how to control it.  I am usually awakening to thoughts of things that worry me, tasks I need to do for work, home, or with Mom’s estate, but mostly it is meniscal things that race in and out of my head.  I cannot control them or my mind, and it is a constant battle.  Prince wrote in the song Into the Light “From out of the darkness, before there was time.  There came a sound that enters the mind.  Through a door that’s deep in your soul.  Through every pore of your body, it goes.”  These fleeting thoughts that appear, fester for minutes or even hours, then fade in the wee hours of the morning never allow my mind to rest.  The loneliest I have ever been is been between 1:30am – 4:30am when I am living with my thoughts in the darkness of my room.

My recent task of handling Mom’s finances, processing her death, getting her house ready to sell, dealing with my bills, unexpected expenses like a new roof and our regular finances, and of course the ever-changing landscape of my job roles and responsibilities, I believe has pushed me to my stress and anxiety limits.

I have made great strides with Dr. Erin and her advice, but even those suggestions and methods of dealing have been pushed to their limits.  Soon I will be looking back at this as just another speed bump in life, but for now, I am weathering this hurricane with the only goal of surviving it with my soul and spirit in tack.

My days feel less worrisome than the nights, and not all nights are the same.  I know this will settle down and things will get back to normal soon, but for now, it is something I must experience.  My sister and others often tell me “don’t worry about it”.  I am not that strong and it is not that easy.  Let me throw a ball at your head and tell you “don’t blink or duck”.  That is what kind of control I have at night, of my brain.  It is instinct and built into my DNA.

I appreciate everyone’s support that reads these posts, reaches out, and supports me.  This is something I will get through, but from the same song referenced above Prince also says “If you could sell your worries. Would anyone buy ’em?”

Until next time,

Tim

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Love to get your feedback on what you read!

Popular posts from this blog

Rocky Ridge/Breeden Ridge Trail

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography Today I met my buddy Mark at O’ Bannon Woods State Park for a hike.  In this Coronavirus terrifying world, I needed to get out. My week had not been going so well.  I got some surprises at work that changed how future projects will go for me and I was bombarded by daily messages of doom about the Corona Virus.  I was looking forward to the weekend because I had two hikes planned.  This is the only one that happened. After a two day headache (Friday and Saturday) I was able to get out and hike.  I met Mark at the campground in O’ Bannon Woods and we set off on the Rocky Ridge Trail.  This is the trail we had planned on hiking a few weekends ago but it ended quickly when the forecasted 30% of rain became 100% sleet. The trail this time was still muddy but as I could tell by the campground area we would be alone.  As my boots slushed through the mud I watched from behind as Mark often caught a tree root or rock with the toe of his boot, sending...
Post a Comment
Read more

Kevin Mullins

I finally was able to get one of my favorite (if not my favorite) professional photographer to answer a few questions as part of my interview series.  I am honored he took the time to answer a few questions for me. I discovered Kevin’s work via research on YouTube and happening upon his channel.  He is a professional wedding photographer (and some street) but emphasizes documentary photography.  Most weddings especially here in the United States are portrait driven or posed, Kevin’s is not.  He captures candid moments from various views and none are staged or posed.  He also shoots predominantly monochrome which is my favorite. Kevin is a Fujifilm ambassador, which means he gets to try out various Fuji cameras, provides feedback to Fuji and helps to promote the brand.  Unlike other camera companies (to my knowledge) he is free to like or dislike cameras, lenses or even functions of those cameras without repercussion.   Also unlike other companies, though he gets to try vario...
Post a Comment
Read more

Vedawoo - part 4

Photo by: Tim Bindner We continued our trip with multiple trip to Laramie, Wyoming, visiting an old prison and various restaurants. One trip took to a wonderful spot called Vedawoo. Vedawoo is hard to describe. It sounds simple when I describe it as large and sometimes massive rocks stacked up all over an area, but honestly, that is what it is. Some rocks are the size of basketballs, while others are the size of buildings stretching hundreds of feet in the air. Mark picked us up in the truck and we took the short drive to Larame, then past the town another 20 minutes, where we left the pavement and down a dusty road, the rock formations appeared all around us. The Native Americans named this place Vedawoo which translates to ‘Land of the Earthborn Spirits’. Pulling into one of the parking lots, I was in ah of the pink feldspar, white quartz, black specs and horneblende rocks towering into the sky. This place had a magic about it. We walked, explored, climbed a little and, of course, to...
Post a Comment
Read more