Worries for sale

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

The beginning of this week was a bit rough for me.  All the things that have been racing through my mind I think finally caught up to me.

Tuesday morning I woke at 2 am.  My stomach was hurting and I was burping that God awful taste I had the day of my Mom’s visitation and the funeral.  The pure taste of sickness.  I could not sleep so I got up and logged onto work.  I checked emails, paced the floor, and then within an hour was violently throwing up.  Enough to wake my wife up, and her asking if I needed to go to the ER.  I didn’t.

My wife thinks I have an ulcer so I logged on to my doctor’s website, told her what I was experiencing, and she prescribed me some medicine to “coat my stomach”.  I have been much better since that morning.

My mind still races at night and I do not know how to control it.  I am usually awakening to thoughts of things that worry me, tasks I need to do for work, home, or with Mom’s estate, but mostly it is meniscal things that race in and out of my head.  I cannot control them or my mind, and it is a constant battle.  Prince wrote in the song Into the Light “From out of the darkness, before there was time.  There came a sound that enters the mind.  Through a door that’s deep in your soul.  Through every pore of your body, it goes.”  These fleeting thoughts that appear, fester for minutes or even hours, then fade in the wee hours of the morning never allow my mind to rest.  The loneliest I have ever been is been between 1:30am – 4:30am when I am living with my thoughts in the darkness of my room.

My recent task of handling Mom’s finances, processing her death, getting her house ready to sell, dealing with my bills, unexpected expenses like a new roof and our regular finances, and of course the ever-changing landscape of my job roles and responsibilities, I believe has pushed me to my stress and anxiety limits.

I have made great strides with Dr. Erin and her advice, but even those suggestions and methods of dealing have been pushed to their limits.  Soon I will be looking back at this as just another speed bump in life, but for now, I am weathering this hurricane with the only goal of surviving it with my soul and spirit in tack.

My days feel less worrisome than the nights, and not all nights are the same.  I know this will settle down and things will get back to normal soon, but for now, it is something I must experience.  My sister and others often tell me “don’t worry about it”.  I am not that strong and it is not that easy.  Let me throw a ball at your head and tell you “don’t blink or duck”.  That is what kind of control I have at night, of my brain.  It is instinct and built into my DNA.

I appreciate everyone’s support that reads these posts, reaches out, and supports me.  This is something I will get through, but from the same song referenced above Prince also says “If you could sell your worries. Would anyone buy ’em?”

Until next time,

Tim