Skip to main content

Worries for sale

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

The beginning of this week was a bit rough for me.  All the things that have been racing through my mind I think finally caught up to me.

Tuesday morning I woke at 2 am.  My stomach was hurting and I was burping that God awful taste I had the day of my Mom’s visitation and the funeral.  The pure taste of sickness.  I could not sleep so I got up and logged onto work.  I checked emails, paced the floor, and then within an hour was violently throwing up.  Enough to wake my wife up, and her asking if I needed to go to the ER.  I didn’t.

My wife thinks I have an ulcer so I logged on to my doctor’s website, told her what I was experiencing, and she prescribed me some medicine to “coat my stomach”.  I have been much better since that morning.

My mind still races at night and I do not know how to control it.  I am usually awakening to thoughts of things that worry me, tasks I need to do for work, home, or with Mom’s estate, but mostly it is meniscal things that race in and out of my head.  I cannot control them or my mind, and it is a constant battle.  Prince wrote in the song Into the Light “From out of the darkness, before there was time.  There came a sound that enters the mind.  Through a door that’s deep in your soul.  Through every pore of your body, it goes.”  These fleeting thoughts that appear, fester for minutes or even hours, then fade in the wee hours of the morning never allow my mind to rest.  The loneliest I have ever been is been between 1:30am – 4:30am when I am living with my thoughts in the darkness of my room.

My recent task of handling Mom’s finances, processing her death, getting her house ready to sell, dealing with my bills, unexpected expenses like a new roof and our regular finances, and of course the ever-changing landscape of my job roles and responsibilities, I believe has pushed me to my stress and anxiety limits.

I have made great strides with Dr. Erin and her advice, but even those suggestions and methods of dealing have been pushed to their limits.  Soon I will be looking back at this as just another speed bump in life, but for now, I am weathering this hurricane with the only goal of surviving it with my soul and spirit in tack.

My days feel less worrisome than the nights, and not all nights are the same.  I know this will settle down and things will get back to normal soon, but for now, it is something I must experience.  My sister and others often tell me “don’t worry about it”.  I am not that strong and it is not that easy.  Let me throw a ball at your head and tell you “don’t blink or duck”.  That is what kind of control I have at night, of my brain.  It is instinct and built into my DNA.

I appreciate everyone’s support that reads these posts, reaches out, and supports me.  This is something I will get through, but from the same song referenced above Prince also says “If you could sell your worries. Would anyone buy ’em?”

Until next time,

Tim

Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Love to get your feedback on what you read!

Popular posts from this blog

Nobody's Listening

  I recently had conversations with two people I know that had experienced a sudden rash of acute anxiety. One was medication related, the other was situational. Both stated that they now had a better understanding of what I have been dealing with. With the recent changes to my medication, Although I still feel anxiety, it no longer takes control of my emotions like it did in the past. However, I know acutely that it still lurks on the fringes, patiently awaiting its chance to pounce on me. During my recent visit to Dr. Erin, she assigned me an exercise where I had to jot down three things each day that I felt I excelled at. This is proving to be difficult for me. The parameters are straightforward and easy to understand. “Anything I do well that day,” she said. As I continued with this exercise, I began thinking of a song by Linkin Par called Nobody’s Listening. I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress Handful of anger held in my chest And everything left’s a wast...
Post a Comment
Read more

Tested

  Life is a series of tests, pushing us to our limits and forcing us to grow. All blessings originate from a God, yet they manifest through different circumstances, encounters, and individuals. Throughout the past six weeks, I have encountered a myriad of these tests. This is part of the reason I have not written in a while - the constant distractions that have consumed my time and focus. Balancing my mental state and warding off anxiety has consumed my attention, leaving no room to articulate my thoughts through writing. My journey began recently when, with the advice of a medical professional, I began taking Trintellix at its lowest dose of 5mg per day. Gradually I increased to 10mg a day and now am at 20mg a day. During this time, my anxiety has lessened quite a bit, but recent events have put this medication to the test. Our initial challenge was to carefully research vans, searching for ones that would be ideal for safely transporting our furry companions. The cramped spac...
Post a Comment
Read more

Waiting for the End to Come

  I have been in a funk lately. I am adjusting to my anxiety medicine, and I feel it is working, but maybe too well. Last week I met with Dr. Erin. She, of course, asked me how I was feeling and honestly, I told her I was not really feeling anything. We dug deeper, and she explained that my anxiety prior to the medicine was like a roller coaster. I had extreme highs and extreme lows. Now with the medicine it is more of a flatter track. I am not hitting the lows; Like I was before (which is good), but also not hitting the highs either. I feel like I am purely existing. Little desire to do much of anything. It’s true my passions are hiking and photography, which I do little of in the summer because of ticks, heat, and snakes. I know fall is approaching and I hope that helps me get out of this funk somewhat. I will also speak to my psychiatrist about lowering my dosage to see if that helps. Even my writing has been affected. I have not had the desire to write. Music, however, ha...
Post a Comment
Read more