Mom

These past ten days or so, I have taken on a huge responsibility that has had my brain in constant stress, my anxiety almost maxed and I am losing sleep.  I know there is an end to all this but for now, I do not see it.

My mom once again fell a few weeks ago or as she put it “I sat down and didn’t feel like getting back up.”  That is the mentality I am dealing with.  Fast forward from the trip to the ER, then to a rehab center at a different hospital.  We were told she would be in rehab for a few weeks to build up her strength for a return home.  During that time my mom asked my sister to stop by her home and pick up a few clothes. That is when my life changed dramatically.  Susan (my sister) found stacks of bills, blank checks, mom’s Will, bank statements, and her checkbook laying on the floor.  She also noticed that the stack of paper to go to recycling had blank checks mixed in.  Wait it gets better.  Mom had written a check to my brother-in-law.  She signed it, made it out to him, but didn’t fill in an amount.  A blank check.  Thank GOD he is honest and told my sister.  Remember EMS was there to pick her up and take her to the hospital.

My sister called me and asked if I would take on the responsibility of the finances for mom, while she handled the healthcare portion of her return home (pills, doctor’s appointments, etc.).  I agreed and thus we met on May 22^nd to get me the paperwork and also to go through her house and begin the process of getting rid of things.

I returned home the 22^nd with a stack of bills dating back to April (unpaid), a reconciliation bookmarked with check numbers, names, and amounts, but no idea what her balance was.  I forgot to mention I had her un-submitted 2019 State and Federal taxes.  Mom owes money and I quickly learned that estimated payments are required so there is no penalty at year-end.  So I wrote checks for April and June for State and Federal taxes and got those in the mail.  I now have to remember to pay in September and December, then repeat next year.  I paid late cable/internet/phone bill, late water bill, and late wound care bill.  I sat at her counter and wrote 10 checks, put them in envelopes, put stamps on them and that afternoon took them to the post office.   I wrote a total amount of checks that day for a lot of money without any idea of her balance.

Saturday I took what I had (bank statement only up to March), her checkbook, reconciliation books, and began the chore of trying to make sense of it all.  There were duplicate checks to the same providers, refund checks scattered in (because of the duplicates), voided checks, and worse of all missing checks.  Did I mention I was not getting sleep trying to think of what needed to be done, and trying to plan out for the unknown?

I spent a long time on the phone Saturday with providers explaining that I was Power of Attorney, having to mail, fax, or email the documents to everyone.  That process is still not over as it seems daily I discover yet another account and another bill.  I told mom what I was doing and she laughed saying “you got a full-time job doing this”.  Like it is a joke.

Monday (Memorial Day), my sister again met at moms, went through some more stuff.  I set up a camera to watch her in case she falls.  I got a realtor lock that has a code with a key inside so if, when EMS comes then can get in without “breaking the door down” which mom mentioned was her worst fear.  Not the fact she fell and has been laying on the floor, injured and bleeding.  That EMS is going to break the door down.  Really? Again that is the mentality I am dealing with.  During that visit, I found a lockbox, with the key sticking out of it (real secure, huh?).  She had insurance cards, insurance policies, my dad’s social security card, my grandfather’s insurance card (with his social on it), her ROTH IRA paperwork, and bank statements from multiple accounts dated as 2008 (I checked Tuesday and these were all closed years ago).  I also found a life insurance policy that I had to mail the Power of Attorney in for, as the representative would not even tell me if mom owed on it or not (she last paid a premium in June 2019).  “You will just have to wait for a statement until we get the POA”.

Tuesday I was off from work, and spent a huge part of the day at her bank, getting on her account, looking up missing checks, getting a copy of her April statement, getting access to her account online, and most importantly her balance.  As mentioned above I check three other account numbers (on top of the two I knew about) and verified the three had no money in them and had been closed for years.  I got as much as I could on her credit card, which I paid off over the weekend as well.  Because it was a credit card, I could not get access to the account but was told there are reoccurring charges, but I have to wait for the next statement to work through those.

During all of this, I am still handling our household bills and dealing with pressures at work.  Marcie mentioned multiple times over the weekend “you are going to stroke out or have a heart attack”.  She is probably right, but I cannot deal with the unknown, especially if there are still blank checks out there.  Marcie has been extremely supportive, but I know I have pushed the boundaries, even with her.

Mom is returning home Saturday.  My sister and I will still have to contend with her stubbornness and illogical thinking, but I have her finances and checkbook, so I do have a bit of a hold on her now.  I won’t go into the face she is paying a housekeeper to come clean, but we found out she feeds her and has her come over to ‘hang out’.  So basically mom was paying for a friend.  Tim can be stubborn too.  We will see who wins that battle.  Did I mention I have the checks now?

Honestly, we both expect her to still fall and die at home (expect, not wish, let me make that clear).  I have set up a home health service to visit every day during the week, we will try and figure out her grocery situation, and I will be going over every Friday to pick up mail/bills and deal with that “damn computer” and other things that will stress me out.

Mom’s wish is to return home and likely die there.  Regardless of what everyone, including her doctor, family, friends, and church folks all know and have told her, she will “only leave that house in a body bag”, or if she falls and breaks a hip and has no choice but a nursing home.  This whole process is putting us all on edge and stressing everyone involved out.  As Troyal Raymond Brooks once said, “Sometimes you’re most driving forces aren’t your greatest memories”.  These will not be and are not mine.

I am not writing this for empathy, pity or sympathy.  More of a warning if I snap, you will know why.  I have the take on other’s problems personality.  In this case it is to a whole new level.

As Chester Bennington is singing in my ear, might I add a deafening volume, with tears in my eyes, I once again connect with him as he speaks directly to me in the song Sometimes (Grey Daze) “Sometimes. Things just seem to fall apart. When you least expect them to. Sometimes. You want to pack and leave behind. All of them and all their smile.  I don’t know what to think anymore. Maybe things will get better. Maybe things will look brighter. Maybe.”

Until next time,

Tim