Chester Bennington

Found on Google

On July 20, 2017 Chester Bennington ended his own life at age 41.  Chester was one of the most powerful singers ever, and a voice for many people, especially Generation X.  Like, Prince, and Chris Cornell his death hit me very hard.

Chester was the lead singer of Grey Daze, Dead by Sunrise, Stone Temple Pilots (for a brief stint), and his most popular career with Linkin Park.  Chester did some solo work as well.

In today’s post, I want to focus on a few lyrics that have some deep meaning to me.  His powerful voice and how like Chris Cornell’s gave such feeling and passion to these songs when I first heard them, and still do.  I put video links to the videos for each song below.

“I don’t like my mind right now. Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary. I wish that I could slow things down. I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic. And I drive myself crazy. Thinking everything’s about me. Yeah, I drive myself crazy. ‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity.” – Heavy (Linkin Park).  As many of you know already I struggle with a restless mind.  This lyric hit me like a ton of bricks.  I often hate my mind for where it takes me, and so many thoughts I cannot control.  The emotional strain is self-inflicted but in those times of panic nothing else but the will to survive that moment matters.

“Something has been taken. From deep inside of me. A secret I’ve kept locked away. No one can ever see. Wounds so deep they never show. They never go away. Like moving pictures in my head. For years and years, they’ve played.” Easier To Run (Linkin Park).  This to me is the most powerful lyric I have ever heard come from Chester’s mouth.  As one who has been bullied and mentally abused and degraded, my wounds run deep.  I have countlessly replayed memories, conversations, and interactions from my childhood, trying to dissect them and make sense of them.  I am learning to deal with these thoughts, and work through them, but every so often they rear their ugly head in my mind. I try to put up a good front, but it does not always show.

“I will never know myself until I do this on my own. And I will never feel. Anything else until my wounds are healed. I will never be. Anything ’til I break away from me. And I will break away, and find myself today.” Somewhere I Belong (Linkin Park). My parents and sister were/are all educators within the school system.  My sister knew at a very young age that she wanted to be a teacher, but I chose a different path in life.  One that to this day my mom still “doesn’t understand what I do”.  This lyric was a sort of a wake-up call to me, to strive for healing, not apologize for who I am and strive to find myself.

“I’m tired of being what you want me to be. Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. Don’t know what you’re expecting of me. Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes. Caught in the undertow. Every step that I take is another mistake to you. I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware. I’m becoming this, all I want to do. Is be more like me and be less like you.” Numb (Linkin Park).  Similar to the last lyric, this one helped me identify the pressure I was put under as a child/teenager.   I grew up with the pressure to act, think, feel, and behave a certain way.  To follow rules and behaviors set for by my parents, society, and religion.  I truly felt pressure to do, be, and act as others wanted me.  Now I live for me.  Sometimes at the expense of losing ‘friends’ and family who don’t understand me and tell me I “have changed”.

“What do I do to ignore them behind me? Do I follow my instincts blindly? Do I hide my pride in these bad dreams?  And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening? Do I sit here and try to stand it? Or do I try to catch them red-handed? Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness. Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness? Because I can’t hold on when I’m stretched so thin. I make the right moves but I’m lost within. I put on my daily façade but then. I just end up getting hurt again.” By Myself (Linkin Park).  I study people as I study myself.  I get hurt, I am lonely and I always see the truth.  I trust others too much, and get hurt as a result.  This blog, therapy, and many outlets have helped me learn to be me.  To quit living with the false hope that others not only care but want or trust my advice.  I am picking my true companions wisely these days.  I live in that world between “getting fooled by phoniness” and “live in loneliness.”

“There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface. Consuming, confusing. This lack of self-control I fear is never-ending. Controlling, I can’t seem. To find me again. My walls are closing in.
Without a sense of confidence. I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take. I’ve felt this way before. So insecure. Crawling in my skin. These wounds they will not heal. Fear is how I fall. Confusing what is real.” Crawling (Linkin Park). I have shared often I have low self-esteem.  My brain can raise me up, but often consumes me and confuses me.  Fear and negativity are how I have dealt with life.  I too felt what Chester voiced in this song about the walls closing in, insecurity, and confusion.  Freedom to live, without fear, is something I strive for daily.

“What’s in me, is in you. What’s got me, has got you. And everything told, must come true. Pretending to be real, forgetting who you are.” In Time (Grey Daze).  Yet another example of putting on a face to please others.  The struggle for my internal independence zaps my energy, but daily I am getting up and getting stronger.

Chester gave in to the pressure of his mind and ended his life.  I am sad he could not find happiness.  I know my struggle, though not as bad as his, is at least ‘normal’.  I am not alone in this battle, and will likely fight this war in my brain for the rest of my life.  My goal is to take one day at a time, then eventually conquer these demons I live with.

Like I mentioned with the Chris Cornell post, these lyrics might seem depressing or negative or unhealthy to most, but for me they come through loud and clear.  It somewhat justifies I am not alone and like two others think somewhat ‘normally’.  These lyrics like so many others give a voice, and rationale to things bouncing around in my head that I cannot articulate.

Until next time,

Tim