Today I had another powerful and insightful visit with my therapist Dr. Erin. I discovered something I have been doing for all my life yet never knew it, and the visit ended with a wonderful surprise.
In the session, Erin and I discussed how the holidays went, what I did and who I spent time with. I spoke of my mom’s unexpected visit to the hospital which resulted in her getting a stent put in her heart. I talked about spending time with Marcie’s family, and eventually my own as is customary around the holidays.
Our conversation naturally delved into my relationship with my mother and how even as recently as last week she is still telling me what to do at age 51+. For Christmas, I gave her a photo album and within it, I had printed over sixty pictures I took. She was very appreciative of the gift, told me how wonderful and beautiful the pictures are (remember I don’t like compliments) and how she thinks I should enter my work in a contest. Since I have heard this countless times already I said well them give me the photos back so I can submit them. She didn’t and dropped the subject, for the moment.
I spoke to her a few days later and sure enough, the subject came up again. “I showed your pictures to so and so and they said they were beautiful and agreed you should submit them in a contest.” She continued “Andrew (my cousin’s husband) also saw your work and agreed they are wonderful, and he is very picky. Since he is an interior decorator he has a great eye for things.”
The subject quickly segued to my son who swam competitively last year but decided he didn’t like it and is not swimming this year. Mom says “It’s a shame he does not want to swim he is so good at it.” Followed by “He really should swim. It is good for him and he was so good at it.” I snapped. I told her so it does not matter what I want or what he wants, just what you or others think? She rebutted by saying “oh never mind, just drop it”. That is until she brings it up again the next time.
This is and has been our relationship since I was a teenager. She tells me what to think, how to feel, what to do and how to act, and I ultimately do what I want. I do and have not shared many things (thoughts, feelings, or emotions) with her for that reason. Imagine always being challenged on every thought, feeling or action you do. Then that challenge (her opinion) keeps coming up in every conversation for weeks on end. No bait, no fish!
I was asked about my relationship with my mother. I simply told her I try to be a dutiful son. I call a few times a week, visit a few times of the year, but that is it. I am not close to her and doubt that will ever change. The decades of challenges, battles and her imposing will has long ago severed any close relationship we might ever have had. This is my normal, I know no different. I see people close with their mother (my wife) and I understand it but don’t know that feeling, but it is okay. It was how I grew up.
So now to the insight discovered today. I compartmentalize. Due to this relationship with my mom, the many deaths I have witnessed in the nursing home, ER, and within my own family, Dr. Erin pointed out I have learned how to compartmentalize things rather easily. I box the feeling or thought up, throw it on a shelf in my mind and store it away. Then I am done.
I learned to do that as a teenager as a defense mechanism to prevent me from getting hurt. I do this today. I used to heavily invest in people, but now I am quick to box them up and throw them on a shelf when I see a sign of any conflict. I do this with friends, family and even my wife. I am afraid of the ridicule, challenges, negativity (that may or may not happen), and potential loss, so it is easier for me to give up and shut down.
Growing up if I spoke to mom about almost anything there was usually this challenge and battle. If I spoke to dad, he’d listen, advise if asked, but he never talked down to me or defensively challenged me, but there was always the risk he’d go back to mom with the subject at hand and again the “you should do/think/feel/act like this…” would start from her. I also found out in my twenties that my cousin Tom who lived in an apartment above our garage from my age of six thru sixteen was breaking the trust I had in him. I saw him as a big brother. I would talk to him, confide in him, and share my feeling with no repercussions. I found out later he was sharing everything with my parents and intern they were giving him the advice to give back to me. In a way it was good, there was no conflict, but it does not help with my sense of trust in people. Mom never told me that Tom shared with them, and never to my knowledge brought up things that I confided in him with.
Our session was ending as we hit on this revelation, so I do not know how to start working on trust-building and less compartmentalizing (next session), but I do feel good about how the session went. Another insight into what makes me tick.
As I was leaving the two pictures I printed (above), framed and hung in Dr. Erin’s office, I was informed sold. It means a lot that my work will now be displayed in someone’s home or office. It is not in a contest as my mother pushes for, but this is way more gratifying to me. These photos were not judged but chosen and purchased. How awesome is that?
I will leave you with a quote from Harry Benson that sums up how I feel about my photography as well as my thoughts, feelings and emotions “There I only one point of view, that is your point of view. You are making a mistake if you see the point of view of people. There is only one and that is your livelihood.” He is referencing photography, but I think that is appropriate for life as well.
Until next time,
Tim
Comments
Post a Comment
Love to get your feedback on what you read!