I wavered on writing today’s post. I am thinking it might lead to a judgment of me or a possible misunderstanding of my point. Ultimately, I have decided to go ahead and write about a breakthrough in my last therapy session and what internal struggles I have as a result of this discovery.
On Friday the 13th (a wonderful day and movie series), I met with Dr. Erin. We discussed my father’s death (December 17, 2007) and my cousin’s death (December 19, 2009) and how these two events have led to my lack of joy for the holidays, especially Christmas. Thanksgiving was big for my father and he was like a kid around Christmas. He loved all aspects of Christmas, the religious reason for Christmas (most people forget), the decorations, family get together, and especially held great joy giving presents.
Erin and I discussed my wife’s grandfather’s recent death and how I managed to get through the visitation and funeral. I was there in body but elsewhere in my mind. A process I may discuss later in a post.
In the session, we began to discuss the expectations around the holidays. Particularly when it comes to being with family. Due to of internal family fighting when I was a kid on my father’s side, the results of his and my cousin’s death in later years of my life, and finally continued conversations with my mother about the success of various cousins and how great their kids are doing, I have come to detest being around family. These relatives I grew up with who barely know anything about me or I barely know nothing about them, but we “have” to get together because “it is family and we are supposed to”. This is not unique to my family.
So my breakthrough came toward the end of my session when Dr. Erin said something similar to “you tend to have no trouble speaking your mind and standing by your convictions, yet it causes you anxiety. Why?” I explained that one of my internal strengths, as identified by taking the Strength Finder’s exam, is harmony. I have an internal struggle or battle within me. If I speak my mind on an issue or topic, especially if it conflicting with another person’s view that I am conversing with then my harmony strength kicks in and I want to make them feel okay or even happy.
Here is where the misunderstanding may occur. If you have harmony like me it is built-in. You want things smooth and calm with no conflict and more importantly no animosity. Harmony does not mean I want you to agree with me or others in a conversation to agree, but harmony wants little to no conflicts. It is built in me and I cannot switch it off as hard as I try. Statements like “don’t worry about it” “it’s no big deal” “that’s their problem, not yours” does not make a difference. It is inherent in my DNA and I cannot change it.
As I have learned to speak my mind this has changed people’s opinion of me and even strained relationships I have, but I am living my life and trying to do the best for Tim. Of course, those strained relationships also cause me anxiety due to the harmony aspect mentioned above. I am torn between my happiness and the other persons. Again I will hear “their feelings are not your responsibility”, but that comes from someone without the harmony strength. Tell an alcoholic, heavy smoker or drug addict to “just stop, it’s that easy”. Watch someone beat a dog or a small child and “don’t worry about it”. These are extreme examples but a similar feeling is in me when it comes to harmony. You would want to help that dog/child being beat, I want harmony yet still want to speak my mind. You don’t understand the struggle if you don’t have harmony.
I have learned after 51 years not to force things. Friendships, conversations, relationships, attention, and even love. These things can all be hard work sometimes, but should never be forced. I have conversations with my wife, my friend Mark, Alan, Shawn, Steve, Lori, Kenny, and a few others, and it is never forced. Family, on the other hand, there is often dead air, uncomfortable silence, conversations about random meaningless topics and ultimately the topic always leads to weather. All forced. That is why I don’t like being around family. Here comes the judgment. If these people were not related to me would I even give them a second thought? Would I hang out with them? Would I talk to them and share anything personal with them, if they weren’t family? Nope! All the above is forced and thus the reason I do not understand why you are supposed to “be with family” around the holidays. Someone explain that to me, please.
I do want to point out this does not apply to all of my family but there is a few on my dad’s side, even fewer on my mom’s side and a few on my wife’s side that I can hang around without forcing conversations and filling dead air, and I am grateful for that. I will continue to “be with family” during these times, but like the funeral of Marcie’s grandfather I mentioned above, I will go to my happy place in my mind while I am there in the body. Again a topic for later.
Having stated all that I do deeply miss my father and my cousin Tom. I have only one sister and at this point only one parent, and to this day I still think back at the funeral of my dad and I was told by someone that hit me like a punch in the gut. At age 51 and twelve years after his death, I still am a kid in my mind and do not and didn’t want that responsibility of being or hearing “you know you are now the man of the family. You are the Leader”. I cannot live up to the example of my dad and who he was. Part of what drives my anxiety this time of year.
Until next time,
Tim
P.S. The picture above is one I love and I took on a cold grey day when I was thinking of my dad.
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