Cellular Memory

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

Today’s post is about cellular memory.  Bear with me as I explain what cellular memory is and then how I feel it impacts me, and even you.

The Cellular Memory I am wanting to discuss is described as “The epigenetic state of a cell, including the non-genetic information that can be passed from parents to offspring.”  In more simplistic terms to paraphrase an old Biblical reference, ‘The sins of the father are the sins of the son.’  This is what I want to talk about.

I recently finished reading a book on my favorite singer Prince. In this book, Prince mentioned the idea of cellular memory and how he lived with both his parents, then at times lived with each one separately, after their divorce.  As a result, he became a product of each of them on a cellular level.

His movie Purple Rain is the story about his life, relationships, and his parents. The movie represented how he saw himself acting as his mother or father depending on the situation.  I truly believe that every one of us is the product of our parents.  Biologically, of course, we are, but I also think each of us is influenced by cellular memory.  That is my focus for today’s post.

I was raised by both my parents.  They are/were both loving and caring and tried to raise me the best way they knew how.  My parents stayed married unlike Prince’s, but our stories have similarities.  Prince’s reference to cellular memory resonates with me.

I had one very empathetic parent. He listened to everyone regardless of what was being discussed and yearned or strived for harmony with people and relationships.  He genuinely cared about people and thus took on and tried to fix other people’s problems.

My mother also attempts to listen and often agreed with various perspectives and ideas of others as long as the idea matched her own.  If the discussion, idea or topic did not match her belief then constant attempts to change the other person’s mind, possible small debates ensued or she would try and convince the other person/people of the error in their thinking or judgment.

So how is this relevant to me?  First I am empathetic with others, in fact, I push that to extremes.  I take on other’s problems, worry about their thoughts and feelings and it impacts how I interact.  I also am a true believer in harmony.  I don’t like conflict, especially amongst people (how do you think our President, current government and things like Facebook with everyone’s entitled opinions impact me?), and I look for rational solutions to conflicts.  I also like to listen to people even if their opinions differ from my own.  I do this to learn and also as my internal drive for empathy.  Also within me is the drive to teach and help, which leads me to try and convince others of my perspective and solution, often differing from what someone is conveying to me.  I don’t do this out of spite, I rely on my own experiences and try to give them an answer based on what I would do.  My wife often says “you are pushy” when I say something like “you need to do this or that”.  My intention is far from pushy but comes out that way.  I get my empathy and listening skills from my dad and my headstrong ideology from my mom.

So the internal battle ensues. Especially when I converse with people, and am asked for advice.  I listen empathetically, try and understand their perspective, then take on the issue at hand and if their logic differs from my own I try and convince them of my perspective.  I am trying hard to refrain from giving advice anymore.

I have realized I am the product of the two philosophies and personas of my parents.   Part of my makeup is due to the way I was raised, but aspects such as my tendency toward harmony in relationships, I feel are ‘built-in’ and not learned but embedded, naturally, in my cellular makeup.

A good friend Miranda Remington recently told me “People who ask for advice never want advice… They want you to tell them what they want to hear. They want you to make them feel safe and secure. They want confirmation on the decision they’ve already made…” 

She also added “…the next time someone asks for advice, give it and say, ‘You don’t have to agree with me. I’m not married to your decision, to what you decide. This is just how I see things at this moment. I could be wrong. And I could change my mind tomorrow.’ 

I have learned this wisdom over and over the hard way.  I am striving to change.  To stay in my lane, to focus on Tim, and to stop taking on other’s problems.  Miranda also added by not advising others “It makes them accountable for their own decisions. Because the LAST thing you want is to be the owner of their choices. Because when it goes badly they will blame you and not take responsibility for their own choices. And that’s when their little Vampire hearts will bleed you dead to get their life back from making choices without accountability. This is what cowards do, BTW. They bully you into thinking you are the reason they are upset and unhappy in life. They become petty tyrants and try to dominate you.”

I have been bleed dry by many Vampires in my life.  I am now trying to regrow those cells, to refuel if you will, and change my cellular memory.  I gave at the office, I gave at church, I gave for friends, I gave for family, and I gave for strangers.  It is now time to give to Tim.

The conflict within me is there, I battle those natural drives mentioned above with every conversation I have.  I want to help, my body needs to help (on a cellular level), but my heart and soul needs to start taking care of me.  Quit taking on problems.  Quit fixing other people’s issues.  Quit giving advice, or if I do use the disclaimer Miranda gave above.  IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TIM!

I hope I don’t become callous, as I feel I might need to be, but this is something I must do for me. For my sanity. I need to find my peace of mind, and try and change my cellular memory.

The shirt I am wearing while writing this post is true irony.  My shirt was bought with an attempt at some humor but it is more correct than I realize.  It says ‘I used to be a people person. Then people ruined it.’  Yup that sums it up!

Until next time,

Tim