Kristin

Kristin is someone I met in March of 2014 when I became her Supervisor.  We bonded almost immediately and I have tried to do with most people that reported to me, I helped her evaluate her position in the company.  I nudged her to explore the other options out there within the company and she found another more satisfying role within 3 months that she still has today.

We kept in touch and eventually learned we had some things in common.  We both loved nature, liked to hike and I even introduced her to geocaching and gave her tips in photography.  Over the years on hikes, we got to know each other much better (read some older posts), and we learned about some deeper intimate things about our pasts and struggles.

The last year to year and a half things began to change.  I continued to hike, but at the same location or locations every time, while she “got bored” with those places and wanted to explore other areas and parks.  I would invite her when I went but in most cases, she either had other plans or wanted to go somewhere new.  Kristin invited me to new places but due to time commitments I mostly refused (she would sometimes be gone 8+ hours).  I love how she desires to explore new locations.

Kristin’s other big passion is reading, which is something I struggle with. She joined several book clubs since I first met her and they take up more of her time than she imagined.  I am glad she found like-minded people sharing the same passion she has. I have never been diagnosed with ADD but I can barely finish reading a page without my mind wandering off to other places.  Thus reading is a chore for me and not pleasurable.

Last year we went to my favorite hiking spot and one of her dogs, as well as Kristin, got stung by some yellow jackets.  I think that might have been a sign or justification for her not liking my favorite spot.  She hikes almost daily and for much longer distances than I go.  When we do hike together I slow her down, which I imagine is not enjoyable for her.  She also mentioned to me recently (https://timothybme.com/i-have-become-what-i-hate/) that I was not the person she once knew and that basically, she was frustrated when speaking to me because of what I wrote in the post above.

All these things have put a bit of a rift in our relationship.  We were once much closer than we are now, and I think I am to blame.  I was taught to open up, express myself, and try to tap into my feelings and emotions.  I am now outwardly the person I have been shielding from the world for many years, and it is turning people off like Kristin (at least that is how I perceive it).  Kristin has told me she is fine with me showing my new/old self and that “the only time I get frustrated is when you are being negative and just dwell on it.  I can’t feed into it or it drags me down then I’m miserable and negative.”  I appreciate her honesty and I am trying to work to be more cognizant of my negative talk.

I wrote a few blogs back about my fears and loss.  I am afraid I am losing her as a friend, even if it is only slightly (not as close as we were), and I am afraid or fearful to try things as she does.  She is always going places, trying new things, and meeting new people.  I live in the comfort of what I know and am fearful to try new things.  I am trying to get better at this, but it is a challenge for sure with me.

Time will tell with what direction our relationship will go, and I hope she can at least empathize with the struggles I have and the fact I am trying to improve myself, but like anything, relationships are a two-way street, and I am wondering if she sees our as worth the investment.

Until next time

Tim