I have become what I hate.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

Today I was conversing with a friend and got a swift dose of reality.  It cut deep but I realized it was the complete and honest truth and I needed to hear it.  Now the challenge of continuing down the same path that was pointed out today or make a change for better or possibly worse?

My pet peeve has always been if you ask me for advice then argue with my answer, why even bother?  It was pointed out to me today that I do this very thing.  More importantly, I lead the conversation to the negative aspects I perceive might happen.  I always knew that I was negative and it is confirmed quite often when I talk to people, but today this friend pointed out that they cannot give me advice because “I just hate that no matter what I say, you just stay miserable.  To not have you accept any advice at all is very frustrating”.  I truly have become what I hate.

So why do I do this?  I do not know for sure but I think it stems from growing up the way I did.  I was told what to say, think, what to believe, like and dislike, how to act and even how to express myself, including my emotions.  Raised by two counselors everything was analyzed to death and other’s perception of me was held to a high standard.   “Act right” was a common statement I heard.  I then was told what I was doing wrong.  As mentioned before I was even told my thoughts or emotional reactions to things as “stupid”.

Being constantly told how to act, think, feel, or believe and challenged if they didn’t fit what my parents thought was the norm eventually broke my spirit and crushed my psyche.  My self-confidence and self-esteem are fragile at best.  I often hear from my wife ingest “he got his feelings hurt” and she is more right than she realizes.  Is it petty?  Is it childish?  Is it immature?  Likely, but it was how I reacted to my situation growing up, and how I still live today.

At the start of high school, I began turning all these thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. internally.    For years I let very little out, and even fewer people in.  I gave everyone what they wanted to see and hear.  Through my recent therapy, I learned to let out my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, not only via this blog but also when communicating with others.  Until today I didn’t realize the new me was turning people away.  I was told “you weren’t this bad when I met you” and “you need to figure it out or you’re going to be miserable and make everyone around you miserable” from this friend today.  I am the same person inside, but now I am learning to express myself more.  Consequently, those who thought they knew me, are no longer liking that person they thought they knew.   I know at least one recent relationship that is severed, I hope the person I was speaking with today does not go away.

Again this friend pointed out “you can be an old man sitting in your house without your wife and kid around (cause they’re gonna go do things and get more emotionally detached) or you figure it out.  Or they love you anyway and connect with you at home”.  It was then suggested that “maybe cause you don’t want to change.  You just want to be unhappy.  Hard work to change” I hope that is not true, I know that is not my intent to be unhappy, but maybe deep down inside that is who I am.

It is true it is up to me and it is true I am negative, but how do I change after 51 years of thinking, feeling and acting the way?  This was my defense mechanism for survival.  Right or wrong, it was what I used to get through life.  There is not like it is a switch I can flick to turn it off, it is deep inside me and a natural reaction.  Can it be undone?  Yeah.  Is it too late for some relationships in my life?  Likely.

I am going to rely on the internal stubbornness of my Zodiac sign of Taurus and try to change my bull-headed ways.  I am going to start by trying to no longer seek advice or give advice to others.  I was told to “what I do, I stick with my first decision. It’s usually the right one.  Going back and forth just causes anxiety” with decisions.  The irony of these words today is a few years back I had to make a big decision about my career.  I wavered but finally landed on a decision that was not my original first decision.  If I had gone with my first decision I would have never met this person, and thus never gotten this advice.

I will also partially retreat inside but not to the extreme as I did growing up.  I have mentioned my small circle of people I trust and love.  Those will be the ones that get my feelings, deep thoughts, and raw emotions.  I do ask those that still converse with me to help keep me in check.  If I ask for advice or start to give it, please remind me to refrain.  I value and try to validate my daily life with advice from others (see my last post), but I am going to try hard to make a decision, stick with it and live with whatever outcome comes of it.

I realize the irony also of this post.  That in and of itself the content is negative.  But like an alcoholic, admitting they have a problem is the first step toward recovery. This is step one.  Letting my guard down and not mentally prepare for the worst will be the hardest part, but I am going to give it my best shot.  Hi, I’m Tim and I’m a negative person.  Now begins my 12 step program.

Until next time,

Tim