Fear and Loss

In today’s post, I want to talk about two mental flaws that I was made aware of recently that have known to be the cause of most of my anxiety. First, one is fear the second one is a loss. I want to start with a loss.

I’ve written about this before but I wanted to bring it up again to bring a little context to why loss is so impactful on me. When I was a young child my uncle died, not long later my other uncle died, and not long after that, I lost my grandmother, followed by my grandfather and my other grandmother. It seemed like I was always in a funeral home, and I was attending a funeral. As a child, I couldn’t process death. Fast forward to adulthood and I’ve learned in my relationships to look for the best in people. If I find somebody I enjoy and want to spend time with I become deeply invested in them. Sometimes it was only a one-way investment. So when people leave me for various reasons then I get hurt and deeply feel that loss. As a person that is a natural thinker and processor, I analyze why that is so. Logically I know people do and will move on, but I take it personally. I see this as a flaw in me. I said I was a thinker. I’ve been told don’t worry about it but it’s not that simple for me. This is something I’m working on but after 51 + years of living, it’s not an easy thing for me to change.

My next source of anxiety is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of lack of preparation. Fear of what might happen. As a thinker and a planner, I try to prepare for all scenarios before they even happen, even though most scenarios and outcomes that run through my head never happen, especially the negative ones. I admire those that are spontaneous, they are fly by the seat of their pants, and just take one scenario or one moment at a time and work through it. I am learning to do this but again it’s not very easy for me nor will it be for a while. But I am up for the challenge.

So what brought this on? I’ve had some friends lately that our relationships have changed for various reasons. I plan to do a post on each of these friends and how their relationship with me has changed, explain how we know each other and for how long, and what I see is the potential future of our relationship. I have met all of them through work. Some work with me still (same company), some I no longer work with, but all have taught me one thing. To look at who I am through their eyes, and look at our relationship from their perspective, not just my own. I live in my head, not theirs, but I am trying to understand their perspective and point of view.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I trust people way too much, but that is who I am and I’m not sure if that will ever change. There are no owners manual for life, and I’m learning to live my own life through my own experiences and learning also that other’s opinions and feelings and perceptions of me, and how why sometimes alter my perceptions. I may not change, but I do value other perspectives and do value my close friends. Especially those I invest in.

Until next time

Tim