Crusin'

At the time this post is released my wife and son will be boarding a plane headed to Florida before boarding a cruise ship for a week-long adventure to the Bahamas.  While they are gone I will be filled with mixed emotions.

This is my son’s first cruise, and he and Marcie will be joined by my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and his two kids.  I will be home taking care of the dog.  My father-in-law is doing the same, and working like me.  I am driving them to the airport Sunday morning and picking them back up the following Sunday.  So why the mixed emotions?

I began my swimming career when I was 7 years old.  I took swim lessons and eventually joined a swim team.  For the next 11 years, I swam competitively and I became good at it.  I eventually ranked one of the best in the state in the 50 freestyle (think of it as the 100-meter dash in track) and also for the 100 backstrokes.  So what does this have to do with a cruise?

One major aspect of a cruise has always been a fear of mine.  I am a swimmer, but I have always had a fear and even nightmares of being on a sinking ship or falling overboard.  The fear stems from the thought of being out in the open ocean alone, treading water and swimming until my body gives out or another one of my fears happens.  Eaten by a shark.  Like most of my fears, I research them as a form of preparation and problem-solving.  Did you know that the leftover food is ground up and thrown overboard on cruise ships?  So those buffets onboard ships become buffets for the many fish (including sharks) that follow the ship getting a free handout.  If someone falls off the ship and survives the fall, they will be floating in that trail of fish food following the ship.  See where I am going here?

I also have no desire to be surrounded by thousands of my “friends” stuck on a place I cannot escape from.  This goes back to my experience at the State Fair as a child.  Yes a ship is bigger and wide open, and I could always go back to the cabin, but I would still feel trapped.  A cruise is just not something I desire to do (other than a riverboat cruise).

Finally, there is a lack of contact.  They will be offshore with no way to get a message to me or me to get one to them.  All sorts of ‘what if’s’ race through my head.  What if something happens to them?  What happens if something happens to me or the dog?  What happens if something happens to my mom or Marcie’s dad?  And on and on.  Sorry folks, but this is how my mind works.

So what are the mixed emotions I mentioned?  I am so very happy my wife and son get to experience a vacation together, and see the open ocean, to see the tropics, but I know I will have lots of anxiety why they are gone.  As a thinker and planner, my mind (due to my fear) goes to the worst possible scenario.  This is my method of preparation.  What happens if the ship sinks, what happens if one of them or both falls overboard and I am not there to help?  I fear for them because of my fears.  Logically I know they will go, have a great time and be okay, but I cannot shut out my fears.

It will be a long and challenging week for me.  I will not sleep well, I will try to control my worry, battle my brain, and time will move slowly.  And yes all will be okay.  I can handle the good, I just prepare for the worse because I cannot (or think I can’t) handle those scenarios.

I will also be playing the comforter to my dog.  He mopes around any time Marcie or Gavin are gone.  In this case, they both will be gone, and for a week.  He lays by the door with his hears down, sleeps downstairs and like I have a lot of anxiety when his family is not with him.

In a recent post, I mentioned my friend Bob said: “once you learn to lose fear you can start living.” I will try Bob.  It won’t be easy, but I will do my best to conquer this fear I have running through my head.

I live in my head and that can be debilitating sometimes.  Many of you reading this will roll your eyes, and maybe even laugh at it.  I’m sure I will get that, oh so easy advice “don’t worry about it”, like that is such an easy option for me.  Everyone has heard don’t judge until you walk a mile in someone’s shoes.  I say don’t judge me until you live in my head, and trust me it is a rabbit hole of mixed emotions.

Until next time,

Tim