Overthinker

Photo by: Mark Wilcoxson

I am an over-thinker.  What does that mean and why should you care?

I recently saw something on Facebook (yes there are a few good things on there), that I had to repost and got me thinking (ironically).  The post stated ‘I’m an over-thinker so if you don’t give me an answer I’ll come up with one of my own.’  This is why I am the antithesis of most people I meet.  If you have read any of my blogs it should not take long for anyone to figure out that I ask a lot of questions.  I ask questions not to fill dead air, but I like to know things, but more specifically why.  Why people think the way they do, why they act the way they do or even say what they say, but most importantly why they think a certain way.  I try not to judge but to understand.  I rarely take things on merit.  I like to understand the meaning behind decisions or choices and even research if a reason is not readily available.  Thus, if you know me, you know I like to ask.

A recent conversation with someone I know bounced back and forth with an idea or suggestion.  The content was not important but the response led to this post.  After trying to explain something to him he came back with “don’t overthink it”.  Overthinking is directly tied to my DNA and is one of my coping and defense mechanisms.  It is what I do.  I have to understand to prepare.  I took a strength finders course a few years back at work and one of my top five strengths (to no surprise) was restorative.  The definition in part states people with restorative strength ‘enjoy the challenge of analyzing a problem and finding a solution…’ and are ‘energized to both fix things and improve things’ and finally ‘By asking questions, his Restorative strength will determine what is actually at the root of the problem, and what is the best possible solution.’

I do this not only with issues or problems I encounter but also in everyday situations of conversations where I am trying to understand others’ perspectives that are different than my own or explain an observation/suggestion that is different from the person I am conversing with.  I am not trying to change others’ minds but trying to understand their point or perspective and thus their reasoning.

So back to the statement in the beginning paragraph.  As I ask questions, I often do not get answers.  Some are due to being ignored, not heard, or the recipient of the questions assuming I already know the answer, but that is not the case.  I ask to understand or confirm what I think the answer is.  As stated above, if I do not get an answer I begin to come up with an answer on my own.  This is a fault of an over-thinker (at least me).  My brain needs to understand.  It wants to understand.  Not knowing or open-ended questions without answers weigh on me and increase my anxiety.  Think of this like doing a 100 piece puzzle but only given 99 pieces to complete it.   Most people can imagine or see in their mind that final piece and move on.  I make up that final piece (if not given it) in a multitude of different shapes, sizes, and images trying to make it work and be complete in my mind.  I struggle to move on until I know it is complete.

So when I hear “don’t overthink it” or “get over it” or “don’t worry about it”, I want people to understand it is not a simple switch I can turn off.  It is like a bug or ball flying at your head.  You will blink, duck or move your head to the side.  You do not think about it, your body just does this.  My brain just does this with all the experiences I have in my life when I am trying to understand them.  So if I ask there is a reason why.  I don’t fill dead air, I ask for the reasons listed above.  Right or wrong this is me and how I process life.

I will leave you with a quote from Sir Anthony Hopkins “We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything.  Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway.  It’s a deathtrap.”  I think that sums it up for me.  I am learning to control my mind as best I can, but for me, it is like trying to catch a wounded wolverine.

Until next time,

Tim