Last visit?

I met with Dr. Erin today and as always she helped guide me through the fog that my brain, past, and life experiences have put before me.  I have also reached the point where I feel I no longer need to see her regularly.

I first want to point out I hand-delivered two framed pictures to her office.  They are 11×14 photos in 16×20 black frames with white mats.  These are not the ones I had promised to give her but ones she will be hanging in her office lobby for sale.  As I laid the box down, pulled out the pictures and showed her both of them she smiled and nodded with approval.  She stepped out of her office for a second and asked her husband where to put them until they get them hung then came back in to start our session.

As we boxed them back up she looked at me and said: “so how did this process make you feel?”  I told her that picking a size to print was not that difficult, but determining a price and choosing two photos was hard.  In her typical therapy way, she asked: “why?”  I never really talked about the price, but the struggles were how to value my work?  I know the price of the photo to be printed, the price of the frame I bought, but from there how do I value my artistic ability/value.  I did finally come up with a price but it was a process that leads me into uncomfortable waters.  Next was the picture choices.  We talked a bit about how I went about choosing the photos and why I chose the ones I did, but ultimately photography is subjective and the only real way to know is if they sell.  I chose two from my recent Top Ten, one of which is my wife’s favorite shot and another was one I had received many compliments on.

In today’s session, we talked about how I have been dealing with anxiety the past month, the progress she has seen in me (with her help of course), and what other challenges I see occurring in the future.  I told her I know I will always have anxiety but am learning to deal with it and handle it.  Once my anxiety was like a roller coaster with extreme highs and lows, it is now more linear with smaller spikes of highs and lows.  I told her that at the moment, on the couch, I was feeling pretty good, but that I never know what the day will hand me.  I am confident however she has given me the tools to prepare me for almost anything.  Dr. Erin explained that the frequency and duration of our visits are up to me, but she feels I have a great handle on things.  I decided to see her again in 4 weeks, and depending on how things are going, maybe push the visits out to quarterly or every six months.

Part of our conversation focused on my blog and why I write them.  I write for me, but also take great satisfaction from others who read them and can identify with the messages I try and convey.  For me, I only know what is in my brain.  I try to explain my anxiety to others (especially those who don’t suffer as I do), in an attempt to help them understand that certain decisions, tasks or feelings may be simple or even “stupid” to others, but for me, it may be truly daunting.  She described the ‘anxiety’ brain like an onion.  It is round and solid on the outside, but as you peel there are more and more layers and levels than expected.  Each level that is peeled away reveals another layer or wall that must be broken through.

My blog also allows me the opportunity to receive feedback from those who read them.  As mentioned in previous posts I love getting feedback from others, especially on my posts and pictures.  It is a form of inspiration and validation for me.  Once such comment touched me deeply as I read it.  It was a comment on my #2 of my Top Ten.  “I love this picture and your story.  ‘Beauty in the midst of chaos’ is my very favorite part of your narrative.  It sums up the entire human condition, but usually, only the artists and seekers are lucky enough to see it.  Great work Tim!  Keep ‘em coming, you’re an inspiration to the rest of us…”  My inspiration was an inspiration to others.  How cool is that!

As our conversation ebbed and flowed we eventually moved down the path that I am a bit of an enigma.  She stated that most people who struggle with decisions cannot do what I do in many situations.  She said I have strong convictions and I stick to them.  For example, I don’t drink alcohol and never had, even despite peer pressure.  I don’t follow college basketball like the herds of people do in this area.  I don’t go to every single wedding, visitation, and funeral for family, friends, and acquaintances I know, like my family, does.  I don’t hunt, I don’t like sushi, I hate summer, I don’t like coffee, I dress the way I want, basically I like what I like and don’t like what I don’t.  I do not give in to peer pressure or allow it to sway me from my set values or choices.  Per Dr. Erin most people who cannot make decisions don’t hold strong to their convictions because they cannot decide what theirs are.  I guess I am an enigma.

As the roller coaster of emotions, I used to feel when it comes to the anxiety we discussed my recent life inspiration.  I told her that I was in a bit of a funk.  My hiking inspires my photography which inspires my blogs.  The hot weather limits my current hiking to cities and small towns (not nature which is my favorite), and my main companion on these adventures is currently in Montana.  Like the previously mentioned onions, I peeled away the many layers to discover that my body and mind need hiking in nature because that inspires me to shoot, which inspires me to write, which intern lessens my anxiety and promotes my ability to deal with daily life stresses.  My recent funk and lack of inspiration have been discovered, and unfortunately, it will be in October before I get back to what inspires me.  When my buddy returns from Montana I will try and brave the heat for early morning shoots in Jeffersonville, Louisville, and New Albany or other small towns he knows until I can get back out on my favorite trails.

I left the office feeling both happy and sad.  I enjoyed our sessions together and will miss our conversations, but at the same time I have great joy in knowing Dr. Erin helped me navigate the waters of my brain and I am now in control of my anxiety.  As mentioned I will always have anxiety like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, but I am now on the anxiety sobriety trail and I am better prepared for whatever life throws at me.  Dr. Erin has taught me what Dan Millman has said “You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.”

Until next time,

Tim