At the time of this post-release, I will be visiting the location of a childhood traumatic situation that happened to me. It was something that scared me then and still impacts me today. As I continue on my journey to face my demons head-on, this is one that still impacts me deeply.
I have mentioned this in a previous blog post but at a young age, I went to the Kentucky State Fair. It was a family thing we did every year, but when I was maybe 9 or 10 something changed. That year a school ‘friend’ named Dennis convinced my parents to let us go off on our own. In the late 70’s things like that were not unheard of, but also very safe. Kidnappings, sex trafficking, and abductions were extremely rare. We also didn’t have cell phones like today. Within ten minutes of leaving my parents, I found myself surrounded by a sea of strangers, with my friend Dennis nowhere in sight. For the next 3-4 agonizing hours, I wandered around fighting back tears, fighting back tears, and trying to understand if I was ever going to see my family again. I was in a herd of strange faces, not sure where to go, or even what building I was in. I wandered around for hours in and out of buildings, in and out of the restrooms, in and out of the vast parking lots. Eventually, I was able to find a police officer, and he saw the shaking of my body, tears running down my face and obvious terror in my eyes, helped me eventually find my parents. We stood holding hands in front of Farmer Fred until my parents finally came to get me. Deep down inside maybe that is why I love farmers and police officers so much (my dear friend is a policeman). At that point, the lifelong damage was done. I still fear crowds (even though I am taller and larger than most), I have some trust and abandonment issues I am working through, and finally, the location is one that raises my anxiety any time I go there.
I am going to the State Fair today with my son, wife and her sister’s family. The anxiety will be there, but I am challenging myself to do this. My son mentioned to me yesterday that when we get there he wants to go off on his own with his cousin and asked if that was “okay”? My internal warning bell and anxiety increased tremendously but I stopped, took a deep breath, and realized my experience is and will be different than his. He is older than I was, he has a cell phone, and he is much bigger than I was at the time of my experience. However, as a parent and due to my experience I will not be at ease when he is out of my sight. Will my time there be happy and peaceful? I hope it does, but like a victim returning to a scene of the crime, or a person facing their attacker for the first time after the attack, I will always be a bit nervous there and anxious based on my experience. I will have my camera, which allows me to calm my mind and serve as a focal point or distraction from my anxiety. My camera distracts my brain enough to keep those nervous feeling away.
My goal is to enter and leave the State Fair as the 6’2” man I am, and not revert to the scared little child that sometimes emerges when associated feelings, emotions or memories occur in my daily life. For those who never experienced this kind of trauma this likely seems petty, childish or immature, but keep in mind we all have different experiences. Some touch us deeply, others we brush off, and each one is unique to every one of us. Logically my brain tells me if I am surrounded by 100 strangers and I needed to get out, I have no doubt this large man would have no issue doing so, however the child that experienced that so many years ago didn’t know how to or have that option to get out. So the battle today will be between my head and my heart/gut. Fight or flight, or take it all in and enjoy the surroundings and capture some good shots.
I leave you with a quote that sums up this experience and parts of my childhood overall. His quote says “the days” for me it is more like some days. As Oliver Oyanadel states “The days of my youth can be described as my innocence hitting every obstacle along the way while plummeting into the abyss.”
Until next time,
Tim
Comments
Post a Comment
Love to get your feedback on what you read!