This week has tested me a bit when it comes to my anxiety but the main thing I thought would cause me the most anxiety didn’t. I learned some things about myself this week that I want to document.
In Indiana, if a 16-year-old gets a learner’s (driver’s) permit and goes through driving school, and passes it, along with passing the driving test through the driving school they are eligible to get their driver’s license (probationary) 90 days after. Friday was such a date for my son.
I drove my son’s truck to pick him up from school, parked in an available park spot, climbed out and sat on the passenger’s side. I was given the thumbs up by multiple students (I was in an old Ford truck), and then soon my son appeared. I was not met with a hello or hi, but instead began the lecture of me parking in a ‘seniors’ spot. After his lecture, which I cut off, I pointed out first that the only designation for parking was handicap and that was it. Next, I pointed out that I am a 51-year-old man and will park wherever I want, not to be dictated by a punk 17-18-year-old. The rebuttal was quickly given that the school supports it. My retort was the school, without signs, has no legal designation to tell me where to park. These are the constant battles I have with my teenage son.
We drove to the BMV, paid the fee, gave them all the paperwork, and he had his license (well a paper copy). From there he decided to drive to a friend’s house which later turned into spending the night there. I explained the restrictions to my son which include no driving from 10p – 5a, no-one in the truck that is under 25 that is not a licensed driver, and quickly cut off his debate stating these were Indiana rules, not mine.
So anxiety. Marcie asked if I was anxious about him driving off alone. Honestly, I was not. I surprised myself but told her night driving would likely raise my anxiety with him. She, on the other hand, was very anxious. I know he is a good kid, a good driver, and driving a large truck, so I guess in my mind I have prepared myself for this moment and have already compartmentalized it.
Moving forward to today, I got up early and met Mark at the Falls of Ohio in Indiana. I have not seen Mark in weeks, nor have I shot photos at that time, so I needed this.
I arrived in the parking lot and saw Mark getting his gear out of his Jeep. I pulled up beside him, got out, grabbed my camera, and we exchanged hello. We locked up and took the sidewalk down to the riverbed below. As we made our way down and throughout most of the morning I learned something about myself. I also noticed this with others. Today’s biggest communication problem is I don’t listen to understand, but I listen to reply. I do actively listen to others, especially Mark, but I already am formulating a response in my head, instead of deeply listening to what he is saying. For some reason, this clicked with me today. About halfway through our morning, I stopped and began actively listening with no response preparation intent.
Since my last shoot (which happens to be with Mark), my mind has been racing more than normal. Photography is one of a few activities that can slow my brain down, and I was acutely aware of that today. Each time I raised the camera to my eye my mind cleared and I only had one focus (yes it is a pun but true). As nature, more specifically hiking does for me, so does photography.
Mark and I had great conversations, we saw fossils, dead fish, birds, dogs, and many other wonderful things. I know now that these activities are something I need and I am glad my friend Mark shares my love of photography. At my age, I am set in a routine, but I am trying to change. To do things for me and my wife.
So this week, Marcie and I planned a long weekend trip. She wants to go somewhere to have my hike and take pictures. To capture some of what Mark and I experienced in North Carolina. The location, of course, is somewhere Mark has been many times and he offered suggestions on where to go and what to see. It is not a tourist hot spot (at least when we are going), so that helps me relax even more. The trip is booked, dates are set and everything is paid for. As mentioned my son is now more independent as of this week. This will change things as well. No more rides to and from work, running him to school or other activities, but now the extra worry coming along with know where he is and what he is doing. All part of being a parent, but still a big change.
I have included a shot from today and leave you with a quote about the discomfort of change that I am going through. As I get older I am resistant to change. “Change ain’t looking for friends. Change calls the tune we dance too.” Al Swearengen from Deadwood.
Until next time,
Tim
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