Inspired and Uninspired

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

I have been both inspired and uninspired lately.  Along with that has come the emotions of both joy and sadness.

Beginning with the inspired, I have made real progress in my therapy sessions and it was quantified this week by my doctor.  I have been seeing here biweekly for a while now, and we both agreed that my handle on my anxiety has vastly improved, so I will now be seeing her monthly going forward.

In our last session, we went over each area that seems to cause me the most stress and discuss what I am feeling and how I am handling each one.  I began with finances.  Marcie and I have been working the Dave Ramsey plan for a while now and though we still have a mountain to climb, we (or I) can see the top now.  Part of this journey has allowed me to purchase a new vehicle, put a large down payment down on it, and form a strategy to pay off the five-year loan in under two years.  The car buying experience was much more relaxing than ever before and I am happy to say for the first time I own a brand new car (it had 15 miles on it when I drove it off the lot).

Next, we discussed my mother.  As of late she has been trying my patience and of course, this raises my anxiety, but I have found solace in discussing my concerns with a lifelong friend of hers, who not only understands (and accepts) my feelings, but opposite of my mother she does not judge me, convince me I am wrong, or try and persuade me to her side.  At age 84 my mother will not change, nor do I expect her too.  Our relationship is what it is for however much longer it will last.

Final discussion point I would deem as control.  My mind has always tried to prepare for what might happen, or the infinite possibilities of what could happen.  Though this will always be within me I am learning to try and take things as they come.  I am a planner and want to be prepared, but I am trying to plan more high level and not worry so much about all the variables that could cross my path daily.  One aspect of this is my sleep.  I was abruptly awakened nightly with random thoughts of ‘I need to do laundry tomorrow’, ‘I need to get the oil changed’, ‘I need to make sure this bill is paid’, and even random thoughts about ‘what if Kota dies’, or ‘what happens if I am in a wreck’.  Remember I am asleep and like the flash flood I mentioned a while back, these would flood my mind with no rhyme, reason or logical explanation.  Lately, I am still sometimes awakened (not nightly) with random thoughts, but there are not tasks or worries I ‘must’ deal with, but more thoughts of the previous day, thoughts on a tv series I am watching, or just random thoughts.  I am now able to get back to sleep quicker and feel less anxiety toward these random thoughts.

I was challenged in my latest session as well, which again put me in an uncomfortable position, which is where I need to live.  Living with the discomfort allows me to accept it and then it, in turn, becomes a comfort.  I was asked if I wanted to print, frame and hang my pictures in her office lobby for sale.  She asked and said live with it and think about it.  No pressure either way (at least for her).  Never have done this before.  I immediately went to three questions in my mind that I expressed to Dr. Erin.  First, is my stuff worth it?  Next, what pictures do I print out (what I like others may not)?  Finally, what do I charge?  Dr. Erin answered my three questions rather quickly.  Worthy ….. “yes”, which ones to pick ….. “don’t know up to you”, how much to charge ….”no idea”.  With that our time was up and I was left to ponder the options of doing it or not, sizes to print, what to print, what to charge, what frames to get, etc.

I mentioned in my last session when Dr. Erin about the worthiness of my work, and how I constantly struggle with it, that I recently listened to a Podcast from two of my favorite photographers who are professional shooters.  In this particular episode, a question was sent in by a listener who asked or clarified what I feel all the time with my work and then has to listen to others say “your stuff is great” or “wonderful” or “I could never do that.  Listen here starting at 16:09 – 18:36.  I guess when I get those compliments I am here to say I am always striving to be better.  I find flaws in all my pictures, to help me better my skills.  I always appreciate the positive feedback, but I understand that I likely disagree with your point of view due to what was stated above.  Do I suck? No.  Am I great? No.  Am I striving to be great? Yea.  The post at the top is a shot I decided to add that falls in between sucking and greatness, for me.

As for the uninspired, it has taken a toll on my photography.  I am still watching YouTube videos, and reviewing various photographs online, but have lost the inspiration to shoot.  I think for me it mainly has to do with the weather.  Being is opposite of the norm, this is my hibernation time.  The heat and humidity not only hurt my skin (you may laugh, but I know how vampires feel) but also impact my breathing.  I stay inside as much as I can and obviously, refrain from hiking.  As many see in the wintertime a desolate landscape, I find the subdued greens of the leaves on the trees bushes and grass very unappealing.  To me, the lack of color, as well as shade, is very boring.  In the rare instance, there is a blue sky in this area, it is often engulfed in a haze of humidity, thus not inspiring me to shoot it.

I yearn for the fall, winter and early spring, when the humidity is low, the temperature is bearable (for me), the air is breathable, and the sights are inspiring.  If I can force myself out, I plan to do a few urban walks with my buddy Mark and maybe Chris, but nature shots for now, unless it can be seen from my window or car, will be on hold until late September.

I’ll leave you with a quote that sums up what I am dealing with at the current moment.  “The seed must grow regardless of the fact that it’s planted in stone.” – Tupac Shakur

Until next time,

Tim