Sea of Wonders.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

My session this week with my doctor was a big breakthrough.  I am opening wounds and discovering the root causes of my anxiety, indecisiveness and why I have little confidence in me.  Some of this was already known to me, but the more Dr. Erin and I spoke, the more validity was given to what I suspected was the sources of my anxiety, inability to make small decisions and live with compliments.

Let me start with anxiety, as I wrote about before.  Anxiety is like being hooked up to an electric fence; not enough voltage to kill but sufficient enough to keep things very uncomfortable.  There is not a constant shock, but painful pulses that seem to never end.  My anxiety is driven by the fear of the unknown, and the ability to not be in control of certain aspects of my life.  I have been doing a worry session for about 10 minutes a day.  I allow myself to worry about anything and everything that flows through my brain.  I have gotten better at doing this and trying to table my worrying thoughts throughout the day for my dedicated time block.  This has helped tremendously.  My anxiety is like a flash flood.  It hits me unexpectedly, cannot be controlled and I have no idea (most times) where it is coming from or more importantly where it is going to lead me.  Like an alcoholic, I am in recovery, but for those who know me (or think they do), though I appear calm, my sad eyes are saying far more than “Help me,” they are saying that my soul is sometimes in such unbearable pain.

The next thing I am working on is my indecisiveness.  As we talked this week Dr. Erin said my abilities are a bit of an enigma.  I have proven in many cases that I can make big decisions and more importantly be diligent in those convictions.  It was discovered this week that when decisions involve others that is where I struggle.  Photography is a perfect example.  When I go shoot, I see something I want to capture, take the shot and move on.  I look at it later, I may like it or not, but I can simply decide if it is a ‘keeper’ or not.  The aftereffect of the picture (complements), I’ll discuss in a bit.  Deciding if I like my shots is fairly easy.  The decisions that involve others is where I struggle.  As I discussed in my latest therapy session, those who ‘know me’ know I have no issues sticking with my values/morals/convictions, but it is those on the fence things I mostly struggle with.  Thus the enigma as pointed out by my doc.  So if someone wants me to sit down and watch a college basketball game, have a beer or go eat sushi, I have no issues telling them I do not do or enjoy any of those things and can decline with no trepidation.  Peer pressure has the opposite effect on me.  I am a Taurus and will dig in my proverbial heals if pushed.  However going to dinner, choose food at the grocery, and even small things like closing the windows and turning on the air are ‘tough’ decisions because it impacts more than just me.  As a previous post mentioned my mother programmed me to put others’ needs/wants first and to question my own decisions/thoughts/emotions and decide if they are ‘right’, especially when it impacts others.  That is why I struggle to make these decisions.  There is that fear of being wrong or being negatively judged.  My intellect knows this is stupid, but 51 years of this form of mental abuse has adverse effects.  Thus I am indecisive.  “Leave your front door and back door open.  Allow your thoughts to come and go. Just don’t serve them tea.” – Shunryu Suzuki.  I want to master this ability in my life.  I am trying to channel my thoughts into a 10-15 daily session, I am still plagued by restless nights and moments during the day with erratic thoughts.  It is a marathon I am trying to complete.  “How blessed are some people, whose lives have no fears, no dreads; to whom sleep is a blessing that comes nightly, and brings nothing but sweet dreams.” ― Bram Stoker, Dracula.

Finally, with compliments, I discovered what true discomfort is.  As mentioned above I am a Taurus and we are known to be ‘pig-headed’ or stubborn.   Being told how to think, feel, act, what to say and how to behave growing up has brought out the inner Taurus in me.  Dr. Erin helped me discover that the compliments are not the source of my discomfort but an underlying symptom to a different source.  Though the intentions are always positive and meant to be for encouragement, compliments come to me as demands.  Often when someone says your pictures are “good, great, wonderful” or whatever it is usually followed by a statement like “you should enter them in a contest or a gallery”.  What I hear is SHOULD.  I have recently been told I SHOULD write a book as “you are so descriptive with your writing.”  Again I only hear SHOULD as a form of a demand.  I cannot look at the complement being given, but get defensive to the statement or suggestion (in my mind, demand) that I should do something.  I have been TOLD (not suggested) to work on this from Dr. Erin.  My ultimate end goal to accept any compliment, live in that discomfort until eventually, those complements become the norm for me and thus no longer a discomfort.  My norm currently is the defensiveness I just described.  My task is to remain awake and witness the new rebirth of a new norm of accepting compliments without internal uneasiness.

I hope that those who know me and can read this now understand how I react to the comments I get on this blog as well as with my pictures.  I do honestly appreciate the feedback but as you read this you know now why I tend to squirm and typically retort in a defensive nature.  It is strange how I tend to find more comfort in the negative or critical perception of my work, especially from one particular life-long friend.  It justifies (in my mind) that my work is not good.  Strange how a life of criticism and one person’s critique (a person I deeply respect) can drown out so many others’ positive affirmation of my work.  A mindset I will be changing.

This is my one hundred and first blog post.  How many have you read?  I have lost many supporters along the way (two folks come to mind), and that is okay.  I write these for me but get great joy for those who read and comment on my posts.  I know only one person who has read all 101 posts.  Thank you, my love.  I appreciate all that have been along this journey with me.  I hope I provided some insight through my discovery to you as well.

Maybe a book is in my future, maybe a contest or an art gallery, and even a simple decision on where to go eat without internal discomfort.  I have decades of crap to undo, but I am seeing light (though very distant) at the end of the tunnel.  I will leave you with probably the best quote I can think of to describe my current mental state.  Scarily I am so much more improved and in a better mental place from where I was a few weeks ago before Dr. Erin opened a Pandora ’s Box in my brain. “I am all in a sea of wonders. I doubt; I fear; I think strange things, which I dare not confess to my soul.” ― Bram Stoker, Dracula

Until next time,

Tim