Purgatory is defined (in the Catholic Church) as a place or state of suffering inhabited by souls of sinners who are expiating their souls before going to Heaven. Purgatory as an adjective is defined as having the quality of cleansing or purifying. Today I feel the latter definition fits me.
Two of the drawings I posted this week best encapsulates those who put up a front in daily life when it comes to depression or sadness. For most of my life, I have had many moments when I have felt like these drawings. Masks of a strong husband, father, friend, employee, and family member. Things are changing.
Mentally I have been drowning in the darkness, but at the same time, I have been blinded by the light. Over the past few months with help from Dr. Erin and support from friends like Mark, Steve, Tesa, Michael and especially my rock, Marcie I have moved from a dark place to what I define as my own purgatory. Living for years in doubt, fear, anxiety, worry, and stress has been my definition of darkness. Unlike most in this constant mental state, I have always seen the light, but never felt I deserved or would be able to fully attain it. Woven into my fabric is the sense of the proverbial another shoe to drop. As the story goes, a common experience of tenement living in apartment-style housing in New York City, and other large cities, during the manufacturing boom of the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Apartments were built, similar in design, with the bedrooms located directly above and underneath one another. Thus, it was normal to hear a neighbor removing their shoes in the apartment above. As one shoe made a sound hitting the floor, the expectation for the other shoe to make a similar disturbance was created. For me, moments of happiness or joy throughout my adult life, always had those underlying tones of expecting the other shoe to drop? Due to this, I could never really live in the moment of joy or happiness as I was preparing mentally and emotionally for many negatives to follow ‘good times’ that never came.
Through therapy, I am now in a state of feeling numb. This is progress. To reference a Pink Floyd song I am comfortably numb. I seem to be less anxious, less stressed and less worrisome. Keywords are less. It is always there, but it seems to weigh less on my mind and soul. For that, I am comfortable, at this point. Dr. Erin wants me to live in moments of discomfort but in a good way. Living in good moments of joy, happiness, and pleasure, without expecting ‘the other shoe to drop.’ I also am learning to live with making decisions, and making those decisions without justifying them, asking permission, or expecting a negative experience or outcome to follow. Doing these things, while very uncomfortable now, will eventually become the norm and I will develop a comfort level with them. I am striving to look toward the light without being blinded. This therapeutic practice for me is like the thorns upon a rose; the beauty is mine if I can stand the cut. The cut made from my mental scars.
I read on Facebook (there is my problem I know) ‘I don’t have sympathy for someone who always wants to be a victim. I go through sh!t every day, so does most of the world. Be your own savior.’ Though I agree with the last statement, I also know people like me, and people worse off than me don’t seek help for the attention, pity or to be portrayed as a victim. In most cases, it is a cry for help. Personally, I am trying to better myself. I am trying to fix Tim, then I can work on being a good husband, father, friend, brother, and son.
I have another session this week. I am forging ahead. That blinding light before me is less opposing. Like the warm sun kissing my face on a cool fall morning, bringing me warmth and inspiration to seek the beauty within me.
Until next time,
Tim
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