Third times a charm.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

 

This week I went to a third therapist after a recommendation from a friend.  I hope that the third time is a charm.  I feel it will be.

I pulled into the parking lot on a rainy overcast day.  For most people, these are “ugly or miserable” days, but I quite enjoy the rain and the clouds that accompany them.  As I arrived early, I sat in the parking lot not knowing what I was about to experience and if this third time would be a charm.  With meeting anyone especially a therapist I had that feeling of going on a first date.  Something I thankfully have not done in 23+ years, but the nervousness of the unknown and uneasy feeling was there.

I made my way from the car, into the building, up the stairs, and into the office.  I sat on a couch across from a teenager and what I presumed was his father.  My thoughts and questions continued, from the drive over, in my brain.  Will this person help me where others had not?  Will we discover this is anxiety or something else?  Will I like her, feel uneasy like the first one I saw, or kind of feel like a bit of an afterthought like the last one I saw?  Is what I am experiencing normal?  My thoughts were interrupted and I was then greeted by my new therapist.

We made the way down the hall and into her office.  Ironically my anxiety was elevated as I sat down and we started the song and dance of getting to know each other and discuss why I was here, as well as my past experiences with the previous therapists, and general concerns I had from what I think might be sources of my anxiety.  It was not long before a comfortable feeling came over me and my anxiety dropped to low levels.  I felt this might be the right fit.

Throughout the session, as mentioned, she asked questions, gave suggestions (both personal and clinical), and let me ramble on, as I often do.  As this was my third counselor (other than the two that raised me), I felt this was the experience and environment I had mapped out in my mind when I first decided to go many months ago to the first therapist.  I felt a genuine interest that the second counselor did portray, and Dr. Erin depicted not only knowledge and experience but also the compassion that was missing from my first therapist.  This was my first session with her, but my gut is rarely wrong about people.

The specifics of our conversation will remain private but I wanted to touch on two items or nuggets she provided to me.  First, she permitted me to worry.  Read that again, permission to worry.  I have heard most of my life, from parents, my wife, friends, and society as a whole “don’t worry about it/that”.  She told me it was okay to worry, with a caveat.  Starting the day after my visit I am to designate 10 minutes a day to allow myself to worry.  Basically, at any time during the day (or night), if I start to stress or worry about something, I am to write it down, forget it and worry about it during my ‘worry time’.   I have to say I have done this for two days so far and it seems to be helping.  It is a form of compartmentalizing my worry.  It is still new, and not easy, but I am trying.

The second thing that surprised me and quantified that I was in the right place, as we talked about my photography.  Our discussion began with my uneasy feeling when I receive compliments (she read the blog).  She even told me I was a very good writer, then she just stared at me, watching my reaction.  She knew that made me uncomfortable, but that was her point.  We talked about my response and feel in some detail, then Segway into my photography.  My photography is something I value but also struggle with as anyone reading these posts knows.  She challenged me and asked if I will ever consider my work great.  I answered, no.  A counter to my response was will I ever consider my work “good enough”.  I hesitated but answered, yes.  I think artists in general (feel strange calling myself one), are never really satisfied with their work, nor they should be.  I am always striving to get better, at least with photography, and can always find flaws in my work as well as others.  As I looked around her office I tried to make my point, stating before I looked, that I could find flaws in any picture.  “For example, I said, this picture to my right …..”  I hesitated.  To my right was a picture framed by Ansel Adams.  The one at the top of this article in particular.  As I love landscape and black & white, Ansel is one of my heroes.  I finished my statement to her.  “Well not this one, but the one behind me….”  I have learned to have a critical eye when it comes to photography.  Not saying I am better or worse than anyone, I just see photos now with that critical eye.  I notice things most people don’t.  As a casual fan of a sport sees a game or match, much different than a coach of that sport would, or a home builder will notice flaws or imperfections in a house that even the homeowner might not see.

As our session ended (it was a quick hour), I booked the next one, said goodbye, walked back to my car and headed home.  Her question and my response of “good enough” weighted on me.  It was not a worry per se but a lack of understanding of why I struggle with the answer I provided and the uneasiness sometimes with compliments I receive.  I recalled a video I had once seen on YouTube by Zack Arias called Transform.    He mentions so poignantly at 7:23 what I cannot seem to profess to others.  Zack states “So I am still working on my photography.  Am I so arrogant to think that I will have it all figured out at age 36 years old?  I won’t have it figured out at 56.  But I’m on my way.”   So when asked is my stuff ever going to be “good enough”, I hesitate and answer a non-confident yes.  I may get there someday.  That is my goal, but for now, as mentioned in the video above, I don’t think “I suck” but don’t think I am great.  I never compare my work to others, well, until someone points out how ‘great’ my stuff is, then I quickly find pictures I feel are far more superior to my own to share with the one that complimented me.

She hinted within the session that there might be some analysis done as to why my preference for monochrome (black and white) pictures is more prevalent than those of color.  As that thought rattles in my head, I have done a bit of self-analysis on this topic on my own.  First, I started shooting in high-school with film for our newspaper/yearbook.  We developed our shots and due to the format, we needed we only used black and white film.  As I picked photography back up in 2015, I still feel the most joy from monochrome shots.  It might be the way I was first trained or the fact that the contrasting shadows and highlights sometimes hide the specific details of a shoot, but I think she may be pursuing the ‘world as black and white’ with no shades of grey aspect.  Whether this is a deep-seated issue or not, I do know I love and prefer black and white to color.  If I do shoot color, they tend to be muted colors.  I even describe the way I see things is in black and white (shooting, not life).  I mean I do and can see colors, I just frame shots with a black and white outcome in mind.  For me, it is my preference.

The picture at the beginning (yes it is in color), is one I took on my latest hike to Mount Saint Francis.  I guess if I am describing a story here I’d say it is a leaf of change.  Hanging on from last fall and soon to be replaced by new spring growth.  Like my new therapy, I hope this spring will bring forth new life to me.

I do accept the compliments I have been receiving, about trying to better myself, and striving to learn what drives me, and makes me tick.  She mentioned that “I am not alone” on what I am feeling and experiencing.  Apparently what I am dealing with is much more common than I realized.  I have had others reach out to me and tell me that they are experiencing similar feelings, but are ‘not brave enough to put it out there.”  If you are reading this, then consider yourself part of my trusted allies.  I do password protect some of the more touchy or intimate posts, and was told that was a “good idea” by my new therapist.

I look forward to this journey and even after one session I feel Dr. Erin is a good fit.  My neighbor Marty suggested to her, and I owe him a ton of thanks for doing so.  Thank you for reading this, and please feel free to add a comment.  They can be anonymous and it helps partially validate what I am doing and saying, though the intent of these posts is for my therapy.  Comments make me feel good if I know these are potentially helping others as well.

Until next time,

Tim