Is my luck changing?

This past week has seen a range of highs and lows for me both emotionally and with my anxiety.  For once there were more highs than lows.

This week I ordered a new camera.  This was a model that a few friends own and I was able to try out for a few days.  I fell in love with it.  Once it arrives this will be my everyday camera, using my current one on hikes and for specific shoots.  Why do I need another camera?  I don’t, but I can afford it due to selling a lens I rarely use.  It arrives on Monday and I am very excited to have another tool to help me capture photos and relieve my anxiety.

This week I was informed by my boss that I am getting a bonus and a raise at work.  I have been at Humana for 16 years and never received a bonus but have received raises.  It is a new thing Humana is trying and might I say I like it.  With the bonus we can move one step closer to financial freedom, with I realize now is my biggest source of stress.

Along the same lines, we had our 2018 taxes prepared and though we owe Federal some money we get a bit more back from Indiana so again a financial bonus.  However, I do want to thank our President for the tax cut he provided.  My son who is 15 and made less than $2000 last year has to pay taxes.  Really?

As with the highs, there were also some lows.  First, my two photography students are no longer interested in my teachings.  One has not contacted me after I provided suggestions to her, so I assume the interest is not there.  The other is taking “baby steps” in their learning progress.  In one case all of my suggestions and tips “are appreciated”, but tend to fall on deaf ears.  I guess I cannot understand why my passion does not carry over to others who show similar interest in the same thing, especially when asked.  For me, if I am truly interested in something and want to improve, I don’t find excuses to fail or give up, but that is just me.  As Bruce Lee once stated “I am learning to understand rather than immediately judge or to be judged. I cannot blindly follow the crowd and accept their approach. I will not allow myself to indulge in the usual manipulating game of role creation.”

This week I mailed out some letters to various people in the area, asking for permission to access their property for shooting.  When I drive around I see things I want to shoot and decided to take a chance and reach out.  I was surprised when both people contacted me back and welcomed me to their lots.  The first person owns a salvage yard and has over 200 hundred old cars, trucks, and tractors on his lot.  I went there not knowing what to expect but was greeted by a 60-year-old man resembling Jerry Garcia, who gave me the history of his property, what potential vehicles I would see and the strict warning to “be careful crossing the creek.  Those rocks are slick.”  I spent about 45 minutes walking around taking shots, seeing cars I have and never will see again (unless I go back), and taking some priceless shots.  My only fear other than the ‘slick rocks’ was the possibility of maybe getting tetanus from a cut.  I can report I got no cuts or scrapes.

The second property I plan to visit, ironically is owned by a lady that I already received permission from to shoot an old barn she owns in another part of the county.  I have already been to the barn, and plan to go back soon.  Her other property contains an old house that has a tree growing in the middle of it.  Upon inquiry, she told me that it is “abandoned other than some raccoons”.  I also found out she owns a huge lake that used to the town water source but was sold in the ’80s to her.  Her son converted the pumping station to his home, and her daughter converted a cabin “on our 70 acres” to her home.  I now have permission to go shoot all of this.  All this from a simple letter asking to go on her property to shoot an old barn.

A bit of joy arrived this week in the mail as I received some prints I ordered by mail.  I recently purchased a small wooden box to store photos that I plan to fill with some memories.  There is something about holding a photo, that is much more tactile that seeing it on a screen.  The first entries into my box were three shots by my friend Mark and one of my own.  I also bought an artist pen to sign the back and make notes for later when my memory slips.  On a side note if you ever want to print pictures I highly recommend www.mpix.com over Shutterfly and especially over Walgreens, Walmart, CVS, etc.

Another low was the fact that my anxiety medicine is causing physical side effects so I needed to stop.  I was given another medicine but have not started it yet.  Ironically, I have a lot of anxiety about taking this medicine and will wrestle with it for a few days before I cave in and take it.

As my week wound down I was invited by Mark to go do some night shooting in New Albany.  We met at Chic-Fil-a for dinner around 5:30, discussed our upcoming trip, what the plans were for the evening and then we headed off.  We began on a hill overlooking the city of Louisville, then as the sunset, we headed downtown.  I started a new challenge for myself to only shoot one lens and one film simulation (film look) for five days.  I began this challenge tonight with a monochrome (black and white) look.

We started on the flood wall shooting pathway lit by lights as far as we could see.  The background was a colorful sky (not in my case) and an iron bridge.  Mark and I practice various settings and I eventually captured some keepers.  The cool breeze coming off the swollen river provided a chill that ran down my neck and my spine.  As cold as I was, I didn’t care.  I was capturing memories, and hanging out with a good friend.  As we moved around captured leafless trees, reflections on the water and pivoting around to shoot some buildings, we eventually made our way back to Main Street.  In the next 30 minutes we practiced light trails, and I even captured a ghostly image of someone walking across the street.  This was much needed by me.  Again I realized that my anxiety was gone while I was out there shooting with Mark.

I know my emotions will continue to be a roller-coaster, especially in dealing with anxiety and the self-imposed pressure I put upon myself, but I am trying to find ways to manage it.  Little by little I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Until next time,

Tim