I frustrate my wife.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

 

I frustrate my wife.  I do not do this on purpose, but I do it.  It all stems from my past and it is an innate trait woven into my being.  I try to change but it is not my nature.

A recent Enneagram stated about my personality trait (Six) ‘Average Sixes need reassurance due to a lack of trust in their decision-making ability.  Instead of making decisions themselves, they look for answers in authoritative sources.’   This statement is so true of me.  For me, this all goes back to my childhood and how at an early age I developed low self-esteem that stays with me today.

In grade school, I was a bit odd (and still am).  Kids always point out the different ones.  I was different and thus got picked on a lot as a child.  This is not in any way a cry for pity or reassurance, as I have learned to defend such behavior throughout my life.  As many of you know I was a swimmer at an early age.  As I got better and better at swimming I went from a local swim club to a more prestigious swim club here in Louisville.  Within a few days of starting I was asked where I lived, and when responding was immediately shunned by the other kids, since I lived “on the other side of tracks”.  Here I was a 9 or a 10-year-old kid getting scoffed at swim practice and swim meets, and also constant derision from my classmates at school.  This affected my psyche.  The specifics of why I was teased or what I was called does not matter, it was the fact that I was shunned at school then again at an activity that is supposed to be fun for kids.  There were many nights I cried myself to sleep processing why I was picked on, why I was a target and why I was different.

Eventually, I graduated from grade school and moved to a different high school than many of my ‘friends’ in elementary school.  I also moved from the swim club I was on to the YMCA club in my area of town.  In both instances I was accepted, made friends, and had a small sense of belonging but, the damage was done, and I have never fully recovered.  As mentioned in a previous blog I also received a fair amount of criticism at home growing up.  My mom was one, who in her way, would try and guide me toward thoughts, feeling and activities she felt good or respectable.  If I did as she ‘guided’ me to do things were fine, if not I again felt attacked.  Though there was never any physical abuse, I did often feel a sense of disparagement when my thoughts, feelings or actions were questioned.  Even to this day when I talk to my mom and tell her what I doing, how I am feeling, etc, I have been told: “well that is stupid”.  I have learned to be distant with her, and for the most part with people in general when it comes to my feelings.  I keep a lot hidden, but this blog provides me a safe outlet to get my thoughts/feelings out there.  This is also why so many of my posts are password protected.  I do not want these words to fall into the wrong hands.

So how do I frustrate my wife?  Well, there are many ways, but I think the main one is that I cannot make a decision.  It is not based on knowledge, feeling or even the ability to do so, it all boils down to the upbringing I had.  Now this sounds like a simple excuse and many will say grow up or grow something else, but it is not that simple.  My wife has never given any cause to fear her, nor ridiculed any decision I have made, but all my fears, timidness and in ways some anxiety all derive from my past.  My fear of being wrong outweighed and joy or satisfaction I can perceive of making the right decision.  Even a simple one.

As I have grown older, my job, life and even in relationships, I make decisions.  Some are big, some are small, but each one. Even the simplest come with a bit of stress or fear.  That fear of not only being wrong or challenged, but the fear of being mocked, ridiculed or even reminded of these bad choices now and later down the line.  Stirring up feels of my childhood that I no longer want to re-live.  Thus I am indecisive at best.

As a Six I delve into the thinking realm, which causes me to think, rethink and overthink even the smallest decisions.  Even after a decision is made, I question if it was the right one.  This process along with tackling my anxiety is something I am trying to work on.  Some days are good others not so much, but it is a marathon, not a sprint.  I am also a conflict within myself as a planner.   I plan for things, often way too far in advance, but then question over and over if I did everything right.  Often talking myself out of decisions well in advance of them needing to be made.

One thing I have begun to do as I get older is caring less and less about others feeling, especially when it is aimed at me.  I know I make many people angry when I offer my thoughts on a subject, but whether I am becoming more callus or just learning that regardless of what I say or do, people will do their own thing anyway.   My opinion means little, to nothing, to most people and it took me over 50 years to learn that small nugget of wisdom.  That is a significant piece of my daily anxiety and learning to push that aside is helping me win this fight inside my mind.

I’ll leave you with a quote from Bruce Lee that I am trying to apply to my daily life.  “Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.”  I am rejecting.  Thoughts, people and situations that are useless to me.  I am trying to live for Tim.  Do what I like, with respect to my wife and son, and most importantly stop listening to those who have and continue to reign their critical thoughts and opinions on me.

Until next time,

Tim