I caved.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

Anxiety hit me quite hard this past week.  It was a culmination of many different challenges that were thrown my way recently.  The result I needed help to cope.  Unfortunately, I am back on anxiety medicine.

I have an internal stereotype when it comes to medications.  It is for me not others.  I do not drink, don’t take illegal drugs, and hate pain medicine even Tylenol/Ibuprofen.  This is a conscious choice and not a reflection or condemnation of others who chose to do these things.  When I consulted with my doctor, a friend (who is a doctor), and even my wife, and they all concluded I go back on anxiety medicine.  I guess it was an obvious need based on my recent interactions, especially with my wife. I felt a sense of failure and conceded to do so.  It was a failure (in my mind) that I cannot control myself enough to handle what many would seem like normal life challenges.  I saw them as too overwhelming for me to handle.

Recently a friend had a son who also suffers greatly from anxiety.  So much in fact that he misses a lot of school days.  His father was contacted by the school Superintendent who questioned the diagnosis and stated: “We all have anxiety”.  Let’s just say glad I was not within earshot of that conversation or it didn’t involve my son.  This 6’2″ 260lb bull might have been locked up.  Yes, I am a Taurus.  He is true we all have anxiety but not all of us handle the situations the same.  A callus comment from a so call educator!

Let me try and put into words some of the feelings I have when anxiety overtakes me.  Though the waves can hit at any time, the worst seems to come at night.  For the 8-9 hours I am in bed I must wake up six or more times.  Not for long each time (though sometimes it can take 30+ minutes to fall back asleep), but enough to break my sleep into restless chunks. With every disturbance, there is a new nightmare.  I lost my job.  I have a big bill that I won’t be able to pay.  My wife/son is in a car wreck.  I lose my sight and can’t take pictures anymore.  I need to do the laundry.  My wife/son die on their upcoming cruise.  My friend moves away.  My mind replays these crash-stories in a constant loop.  Next thing I know it is morning and I need to get up and start my day.  For countless hours my mind is racing faster than a three-year-old can speak, and I feel like I am stuck in fast-forward.  I just want to wash my brain with cold water in an attempt to cool it off like a blacksmith does with super-hot metal, but I can’t.

My mind when in this vortex of anxiety has no rhyme or reason for my thoughts.  It is like I am getting hit from every side and angle with thoughts or challenges and I cannot defend the attack.  There is also no logic, like above on how the thoughts pop in, strike and leave in a flash.  In milliseconds I will be struck, (as an example) with what is for lunch, I need to go to the bank this week, I need to contact our new mortgage company, wonder if my friend used the new camera he bought, is my wife still happy with me, how will I feel when my dog dies, where do I want to go shoot next (pictures), I need to work on my website, what is another topic for my blog, I have a presentation I need to work on this week at work, what will Gavin do when he is older, what car do I want to buy next and how will I pay for it, wonder how my friend in Louisiana, Mike is doing, and on and on.  These are screams that I cannot control or fend off.  This all happens in a few short minutes.

Another aspect of my anxiety is that I feel I have to solve all the problems that come with me.  So when getting hit from all sides, in my mind, with things I ‘need’ to do or have to do, I am also searching for solutions at the same time.  I am a natural planner as many of you who know me know.  When I plan things out and anticipate various outcomes in advance I mentally become prepared to handle things.  I do my best to research, plan and prepare for things for today, tomorrow, next week, next month, etc.  I am not naïve enough to say that everything can or will be prepared for, but in my mind, if I cover all of the bases in my mind then I can have a small sense of relief.  This is one part of me that drives people in my life nuts, but it is not something I can just shut off, so for this, I apologize.

A friend recently commented to me that I seem “to have it all in control” at least from her interaction with me.  The truth is there are more times than not that I don’t.  I guess it is the difference in the persona I try to outwardly convey.  As a father, husband, and friend I try so desperately hard to be the rock that others need, but so often I am on the edge of a cliff, struggling to maintain my balance.  I must be good at hiding a lot of this.

This week was the closest I have come to a breakdown.  I was close, thus I asked about the medicine.  My methods of coping even had trouble breaking through.  I continue to listen to music, take photographs and even pour my feelings and thoughts out on this blog in an attempt to grasp a foothold on this crumbling cliff I have in my mind.  Most often these things help but I am now relying on a chemical to aid in this process.

I have had two people recently offer me their time by saying “I am here if you need to call me.”  My wife is also here for me, but I again feel like a bit of a failure if I need to unload my trivial problems on others, especially my wife.  I am supposed to be the rock (not Dwayne Johnson, I could never compare), but the solid foundation for her and my son.  I guess this blog is my safe way to unload.  These recent events are only temporary but at the moment it can be so debilitating and all-consuming that there never seems to be a potential end.

I am worthy of escaping this hurricane of thoughts, the positive and negative analysis of the actions my mind tries to continually solve.  I hope in time I will learn to master my anxiety.

Until next time,

Tim