Compliments

As a photographer (or just a picture taker) I receive many compliments on my work but it is not something I enjoy.  I cringe inside.  For as long as I remember I have never been one to want, expect or even need compliments.  The effect on me has the opposite impact as intended.

Compliments for my writing, photographs, previous swimming ability, my height, and even my perceived ability as a good husband and father all accompany an uneasy feeling within me.  According to the internet these might derive from a sense of self-worth or lack of it.  I am not sure if that is correct or not.  I think it is more a result of not wanting attention focused on me for something.

My blog is a form of therapy.  I have never been a great writer, not even a good writer.  I just regurgitate my thoughts on digital paper.  If it helps me work through feelings or even better help others then I am glad but never intended it or expected compliments from it.  It may even provide others with a bit of insight into my ‘crazy’ mind, or at least allow those close to me to understand why I come off as a jerk sometimes.

My photography has gotten better, but I classify myself as average at best.  I hear “I could never take pictures as good as you, or mine never turns out like yours.”  Truth is that anyone can take good pictures, it just requires a bit of knowledge and practice, something I have tried to teach others with little success.  As I have mentioned previously, I find flaws in every shot I take, whether it is composition, lighting, or just the basic ‘feel’ of the shot.  Along those same lines, I constantly follow others’ work on sites like 500px, Instagram and up until recently Flickr.  When I see many of the shots out there it knocks me back to reality.  If you want to see what I am talking about check this out.  I am sure someone out there will tell me “your stuff is as good as these”, but if I could ever capture this emotion, I would feel satisfied with my work.

As far as my swimming ability, I am 50+ years old now and swimming was one thing in my life I was decent at, but no longer have those abilities.  The times I have gotten into the pool in recent years has been super frustrating.  My mind is in the same place it was when I was 18 but my body is not.  Logically I understand that, but physically I cannot deal with it.  I compare it to a former great athlete (though I was never one), who was the best in their field and years later cannot even perform with the minimal skills needed to do what they once were great at.  I know my swimming friends will have some great wisdom about this, but regardless swimming has become a source of frustration and anxiety thus the reason for my retirement from the pool.  My recent increase in foot and leg pain, however, may drive me back to the pool, unfortunately.

As a husband, I do not provide the love or attention my wife deserves.  It is not about caring or loving her, it is this constant battle that has increased over the years with anxiety and just trying to survive daily life.  Ironically, as a result of this struggle, my anxiety increases because I do not devote myself to her like I know I need to.  My energies are pulled away from fighting these storms in my head, and it barely allows me the ability to do much else.  My recent Enneagram email stated it best “as a Six surprisingly, you are least developed in the real qualities of the Thinking Center (quiet mind, inner silence, and spacious clarity).  Instead, you operate in your ‘duty’ mode – driven by combinations of Feeling and Instinct”.  So true.

I have a wonderful son who I love so much, but I know I am not a great father, as others will argue with me about.  I have mentioned in previous blogs, that I get little to no respect from him.  My father-in-law and brother-in-law are who he looks up to and listens to.  In many ways, I feel I am an embarrassment to him.   This goes way beyond a teenager-father relationship.  I respected my father but during my early teenage years thought he didn’t know what he was talking about, but I always respected him.  Later I learned he was right.  My son, on the other hand, hates everything I enjoy, argues with everything I say, and tries to prove every point I make as incorrect.  All those things a father is supposed to teach or show his son has been done by my father/brother-in-law.  My role to my son is the transportation and the ATM.  Even vacation memories for him looking back will not have me there.

So maybe my self-worth is low, but my anxiety and thoughts keep me from accepting compliments when I know I have the ability to do so much better in the fields listed above.  I do appreciate them, but they make me feel uncomfortable and uneasy.  I know it is human nature to tell others how good they are doing, so I will never get away from it, but I will simply say Thank You for going forward without trying to discredit others’ compliments toward me.  Just know that those praises make me feel uncomfortable and I am not worthy, regardless of what you think.  “Friends and liars, don’t wait for me.  I’ll get on, all by myself.” – Chris Cornell

Until next time,

Tim