The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly:

In the past two weeks, I have experienced some highs, lows, and doses of reality.  Some were of my accord others were a result of the universe’s plan for me.  It is a microcosm of my life.

I’ll start with the Ugly.  The Ugly was a truth I already knew about myself but was reminded of recently.  I am a negative person.  My wife reminds me of this and recently a friend brought it to light.  I have lived on this earth 50.5 years and experienced good and bad in my life.  Likely no more or less than anyone else.  I was raised to put others’ needs before my own and am constantly reminded by others that I need to take time for myself.  Easier said than done.  It is in my makeup.  Think of it like telling someone afraid of spiders, snakes, heights or public speaking to just shut those fears off and move on.  This natural desire for me goes even deeper.  It is nothing I can just turn off.

Anyway, the recent observation from my friend resulted from notification on Facebook about a cruise Marcie and Gavin are going on in the fall.  I am not going.  This trip is different than Disney.  Disney is not something I enjoy anymore as I have attended it many times.  I’d rather go to other places.  Cruises are something I fear.  Again I will probably get comments like “get over it” “they are fun”, or my favorite “you should go”.  My fears may seem mundane or even stupid to some, but they are my fears.  I can easily hold a snake.  Can you?

I only have a few fears about cruises but they are debilitating, and again I suspect someone will try and explain why my fears are not justified, but they won’t be able to convince me. First is the fear of being on the open ocean.  I have a fear of heights and as odd as it sounds when I get close to a cliff edge or railing on a high building (ship in this case), I want to jump.  Not as a suicide thing it is just a magnetic draw deep within me.  I also get the nauseous feeling in my gut that ultimately makes me sick.  Again I can’t explain it, but it happens.  Next and most importantly I am afraid and love sharks.  Many people do not know that all food that is leftover or wasted on a cruise ship is ground up and released behind the ship in International waters.  Guess what follows ships for the free buffet?  So if I were to fall overboard or the ship was to sink, I would become part of that buffet.  Finally, I have been on the open ocean for a dive trip and got seasick.  Not sure if it would happen on a cruise ship, but the other fears are enough to keep me off, so I will never know if I would get seasick.

Part of the negative observation came from the fact that Marcie and I were scheduled to go to Gatlinburg for our anniversary very close to the time of the cruise and I decided to cancel that trip.  This was my decision, and I wanted to concentrate on being prepared for the cruise, both financially, time off, and the stability of being home.  I was told, “I need to make time for myself, and do what makes me happy.”  People do not understand that travel is not a joy for me.  At least travel to “popular places”.  My idea of a vacation was covered in a previous blog.

The Bad started with an overinflated mechanical bill.  We bought my son a 1995 Ford pickup a few weeks back and took it to our mechanic to have all the safety items checked.  Over a few weeks, the different items that needed to be fixed kept growing.  Now a skeptic would say the mechanic is “finding” things to fix, but I know him outside of his job and I trust him.  Ultimately all the work totals $4000+, which is more than the truck is worth.  Yes the negative part of me expected this to happen, as things often do when life slaps me in the face.

Another part of the Bad is that my aunt recently died.  She fell, hit her face, ended up with some brain swelling that within a few days this ended her life.  I attended the visitation, but not the funeral.  As mentioned previously I am not close with my family, but went out of respect.  I didn’t even view the body as to when I arrived with my sister, her family and my mom were on the side of the room.  As expected my mom tried to bring various people (not family) over and introduce me saying “do you remember so and so”, which I never do remember.  My mom always loves knowing people, hearing their life stories and making those connections.  I do not.  I do feel bad for my cousins, but honestly (callous part of me), I have not seen them in a decade so it didn’t emotionally impact me.  I was honestly there more out of obligation than anything.

Finally the Good.  Notice what I started with?  First, we paid off my wife’s car today.  We got a 5-year loan and paid it off in less than half the time.  Due to that, we are moving to Baby Step 3 in the Dave Ramsey Financial plan.  This is where we are saving 6 months’ worth of expenses in a savings account in case there is a loss of job (again the cynical part of me).  By the way, Baby step two is no debt other than the home.  Next, I finally sold one of my pictures for money.  The person who bought it is an avid reader of this blog.  She contacted me on which one she wanted, what size and I sent it off to get printed.  It arrived yesterday.  I opened the package and was amazed at how the print turned out.  I hand-delivered it and followed up with her later, once she had time to go home and look at it.  Her comment was “I love, love, love it.”  That makes my heart happy.  I also received a great evaluation at work today, which I hope will result in a raise, and despite what was stated above booked a trip to North Carolina in July, for a swim event Marcie is doing.  It is a long weekend away, but we will be joined by my sister & brother-in-law and their two kids.  I plan to take my camera and get some alone time to explore.

I am filled with guilt as a result of responsibility.   As a father and husband, I put my son and wife’s needs first.  They enjoy taking trips to Disney and now going on a cruise.  They enjoy spending time with Marcie’s family and I go along with it.  I manage the bills and ensure trips get paid for, make sure the dog is cared for when any of us are gone, and sacrifice potential childhood memories by staying home instead of going somewhere I know I wouldn’t enjoy.  I am however happy that they will have those memories and experiences to share.  I do my own thing by taking pictures, hiking and writing this blog, but these things differ from the other 66% of our family unit desires.  I have found some solace in taking photo walks, hiking alone, sometimes with friends, and now teaching those willing to listen about photography.  I have some willing and unwilling students.  I share the knowledge I have and they choose to do with it what they like.

I will always feel guilty.  I struggle to spend money on things (vacations) when we could pay bills off.  I have one friend that disagrees.  He says it is important to pay bills but you also need to splurge as you can’t take it with you.  I am wired differently.  I want the bills all paid for and any excess (with rarely happens), goes to splurging.  People don’t understand this philosophy, but it is my own.

A recent Enneathough summed it up perfectly for my type.  “You are least developed in the real qualities of the Thinking center (quiet mind, inner silence, and spacious clarity).  Instead, I operate in my ‘duty’ mode- driven by some combination of the Feeling and Instinctive centers.”  Not sure if I will be able to ever “let go” and enjoy the time, but I come close when I am hiking and taking pictures.

Until next time,

Tim