It's okay to not be okay.

Photo by: Tim Bindner Photography

With the holidays in full swing, my anxiety has been and will be tested.  I will survive but this year I hope to control my stress and anxiety.

Mental health is now at the forefront of the news these days and I feel it is great.  People are less scared to mention they have struggles and more importantly seek help.  It is okay to not be okay.

As a person who deeply respects the military and enjoys watching military movies and documentaries, I feel I can best describe my person bought with anxiety using military terms.  First, there is PEACETIME.  During this time things are going well, anxiety is extremely rare or non-existent.  Next is SKIRMISH.  This for me is when anxiety lasts minutes, moments or as long as a day or so.  The next level for me is a CIVIL WAR.  This is when anxiety can last days, weeks and even a few months.  Finally, it is a WORLD WAR.  This is when anxiety is constant.  Wake up with it, go to bed with it.  There is a constant fight within my mind during this stage.  Feels like I am fighting a separate person in my mind.  The other difficulty during world war I am I have to put up a front in front of others, and even simple daily tasks and decisions become daunting because my energy is spent battling my internal anxiety.  My wife as the example states “you can’t make a decision”, but she does not know that my internal fight is zapping my energy and that by fighting inside I am questioning routing things that might lead to even more anxiety (making the wrong choice at the time).

For me, the holidays cause me anxiety for many reasons.  My levels fall between skirmish to world war.  The reasons are many.  First, my father died on December 17^th so the memories of Christmas (his favorite holiday) have been tarnished since 2007.  Two years later my cousin died in 2009.  He was like a big brother to me.  Next is the gathering of family members (on both sides) that I only see during the holidays.  There is a drama within both sides of the family, conflict and the pressure to attend gatherings with people, honestly, I would not spend any time with, if they were not family.  There is the constant rushing from here and there, the pressure to buy gifts for people who will not tell you want they want/need, and dealing with the expectations others have to make this a perfect time of year, and then the let down when it is all over.

I have a strained relationship with my mother.   I grew up under constant scrutiny from her and also a constant pressure and comparison to classmates from high school that still happens today.  Statements like “did you know so and so, has been so successful and has kids going to this private school, or so and so is a top executive of this company and doing so well”.  Every conversation with her ultimately leads to bringing up one or all of four of the same classmates and how wonderful and successful they are.  I know she means well and does not see it as a comparison she is presenting to me.  Next, there is her way to convince me and others to follow her advice or suggestions.  If she suggests something and I disagree she will go on and on to convince me and try and change my mind that her idea is better.  I have even heard when telling her about an idea or even better a feeling only to have the response “well that is stupid”.  Feelings are stupid?  I love my mom, but struggle with the mental abuse I have perceived from her.  More anxiety during visits during these holidays.  I am hoping this year will be better.

Finally, I want to mention that mental health is as if not more important than physical health, but people are not willing to talk about it.  I have started having a regular meeting with a friend to discuss what is going on, as well as having constant conversations with my wife.  This has helped me tremendously.  I think the image of mental health issues has less astigmatism than it once did, but there is a long way to go.  My journey continues, and I am making progress.  If you need to talk, I am here to listen and help.  Don’t be afraid.  Keeping this stuff in (as I well know) is not healthy.  If you struggle to find people to talk to.  Look in your contact list and look at those you consider your close friends.  If you tell yourself that I don’t feel comfortable talking to this person about this, then you need to reassess their level of friendship.  You need to find those close people you feel okay talking too.

Until next time,

Tim